some rubbish.

Blah Blah Blah

2011-05-02T19:17:00.002+01:00

To every guy out there who has ever tried chatting up a girl who's a bit different (but, probably still far far out of your league), attempting your smooth talking skills, and most likely taking the piss at the same time... PLEASE! Listen to the song 'Blah Blah Blah' by Ke$ha, absorb it's message, and then never ever pro-create.
Or talk to any girls who are a bit different every again.

If it were me, I'd just laugh at you and walk away.

2011-04-21T16:33:00.002+01:00

I haven't done the God thing in a while.
What a vague sentence.

Jesus Christ by Brand New pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about it though. Aren't I original? Using someone elses words to describe my emotions. I should be given a freakin' medal or something.

Let's talk about stress, baby.

2011-03-27T18:42:00.002+01:00

Hello world, recently I have experienced an incredibly high levels of stress and I can't help but wonder that my life is SO much more interesting than the the lives of most reality tv stars. Film my life, document my emotions. Show the world how they can relate to my pain, my joy, my tears, my laughter, my absolutely and utter despair over the biggest and smallest things. Because there lies the difference, people can relate to me because I AM people. Reality tv stars like those that appear on The Hills are NOT relatable. We sit down and watch their lives and wish ours were just a little bit similar; the money, not the "drama" filled day to day unrealistic success, as much as I'd love that I can imagine it would be somewhat unfulfilled.

I, Anna Hunt, hereby give someone the permission to ask me if they could film my life, which is very eventful, for national entertainment. Every nitty gritty detail. Go for it, ask me.

2010-11-15T00:22:00.002Z

Everything about the female species in every way is meant to be fragile. In appearance we're all soft, in speech we're all soft, in movement we're (mostly) all soft. Generally we're just all soft.
But I'm hardly a delicate flower.

2010-07-17T11:08:00.002+01:00

I feel like on the internet you can't express unhappiness, it gets shot down with, "get over it."

Well, you know what. I'm a little bit not okay. That's all. I just needed to get that out somewhere. And with the knowledge that not many people read this, it felt safe.

love? pfft.

2010-05-18T19:31:00.003+01:00

It's no lie to say that when I like someone, I like them a LOT.
Experience has taught me to not let my guard down, ever, and so usually I don't. I'm pretty sure this one is the first one to hit me hard since GC. Because I just haven't cared since then, not really, not enough.

Whenever I let my guard down for even a second, I always get burnt. Whenever I stop putting up a defence between my emotions and my actions it always seems to go completely tits up for me.

So what's better, lovers? Is it worse to have had that love and held on to it, even if you lost it in the end? Or is it worse to have never even experieneced it?

Young though I may be, and stupid as I know it sounds - because, trust me, I do - I have never experienced love(romantic love). And it's made me a complete cynic.

party hard.

2010-01-31T19:57:00.004Z

I have a million and one things to say but I'm sure I should never divluge what I've been up to of late.

I'll give you hints, though.
I went to a party, more of an adult party than the teenage hissy fit puke competition parties I've attended in the past (not all the time but, come on, we all know that's most of them). No, no, this was more... interesting than any of those ones have ever proved. It was out in the sticks, a village just outside of a city in Kent not too far from my lovely new home.
I went with Jess and Y. I was probably the only single girl there, and definitely the youngest, by far.

I can now never stand for anyone accusing me of being inexpereienced.
But if the entire night has taught me anything, it's that I like the old me better than this new me. I've changed, and I know I have. I think I'll go back to the way I was, I was happier then.

Enter, D..

2010-01-19T12:51:00.002Z

No internet still after a week and a half. For flip sake, the university is supposed to provide so I feel I should be provided with such things.

Right, so! Jess had planned a trip to a rave in Broadstairs; another outer campus that specialises in mostly music and music related subjects. She invites me along, for which I was very excited and the plan was to trek down with Paliev and good times to be had by all. Please enter, D.
D is a boho hippie child in his own right - makes a lot of good music, smokes a lot of weed and raves like a mad man. Good laugh. Charming on first meet, and second meet for a matter of fact. Eyes that could kill, and I swear they did, a little bit. He looked at me as though I was the most beautiful thing in the entire place; intense.
Unfortunately, as the way of the world is with me usually, he had a girlfriend. Perfect. Flirt flirt flirt all night and then the next day I got the old, "it's complicated". I get that, I've done that, most things in life are seen as complicated - even if they're usually not. Which, they're usually not.
Perhaps I'm just bitter.
So, I was totally fine with this, I've met guys who flirt with me way more than he has done and they've been engaged and other similar committed situations.
We were invited to a house party for the next evening and attended willingly, if still slightly recovering from the previous messy rave night. D was going to be there and I, honestly, could not wait to see him again. Just normal conversation with him made me all happy and buzzed. We went, it was interesting/hectic/messy/drunken and filled with "terrible mistakes" (remember that one, that one comes back later on, as well).
I, like the fool that I am when intoxicated, fell into bed with a boy I barely know - Shep. Seriously, could I be any more stupid when I'm drunk? I am, by no means, blaming the alcohol, I just blame the way I am when I get drunk. So, I probably shouldn't drink that much any more. Ever. Silly, silly, SILLY girl = ME!
This, however, didn't seem to hinder D's attention to me, even though his girlfriend was there at the party. The rest of the night was a blur of conversations, me crying briefly (I'm not usually a drunk cryer, I just felt slightly foolish and embarrassed, I got over it quickly), smoking FAR too much and wondering where me and Jess were going to crash for the night; we were temporarily homeless.
Anyway, getting bored of this now...

We found somewhere to stay, D and two of his house mates came with to said place and hung out for a bit. D ended up asking for a place to fall asleep in, dragged me into some guys bed with him to JUST sleep - honest, nothing bad went on! We talked for about an hour and a half for nothing and everything and then he kissed me and we talked some more and then passed out.
The next day was a blow.
He texted me, "sorry, this has all been a terrible mistake".

He has stopped speaking to me and deleted me from facebook.
I mean how petty can one person be? I mean for goodness sake, grow a flippin' back bone, D. Oh, and his girlfriend broke up with him. Well done, you've got everything you wanted, D.
I really hope he reads this, and then gets a bit of a slap of reality. I'm still here to be friends with him, he ditched me.

Irritating

2010-01-08T13:46:00.002Z

I want to hit girls who are painfully attractive, and go out with painfully attractive boys, who were in the year above me at school and flirted with me once when they were drunk in a pub on a student night a couple of weeks ago.

Stupid drunk boys..

Only slightly awkward

2010-01-08T11:27:00.003Z

So!
I rang C and asked her if we were okay enough that I wouldn't make her, or my, evening awkward by being at the pub tonight - very mature of me, I think.
"Look, I just didn't want to lie to you or anything, you don't have to worry about things being awkward."
The entire minute's conversation was super awkward but then, considering our last incounter and the subject content, this was unsurprising.

I feel a lot better, though. If she still feels bitter then that's sad, and it's upsetting knowing things will never be quite as merry as they once were, but at least I know that I can spend my last evening untroubled. Mostly.

I'm a very troubled 19 year old girl.

A nicer feeling

2010-01-07T21:32:00.003Z

Mildly contradicting myself inwardly now.
Another of my friends has come forward and told me how horrible I am in certain situations - let's call her C, and the other one R.
R and C live together in a shared flat with two others (cue Paul and Person Who Hates Me). They only know each other because of me and Rosie, because we're fun people who like to bring others together, yay!
So, me and R have made up and everything's fine and dandy, but only to the extent that nothing will ever be the same because in the back of my head all I can think about is that he basically told me, he isn't angry at me anymore because I'm not worth getting angry over. So.. I don't really matter to him? Or something.
He has also informed me that C is super angry at me, to the extent that a simple apology will not suffice. Why she did not tell me this herself I cannot fathom, something to do with not wanting to ruin my holiday at home or - whatever, I hate it when people keep junk from me that's about me, it's as bad as lying. In my opinion, anyway.
SOOO! I go to C, after being informed she's very angry, and she tells me that I've, "lost touch with how to treat people" and I'm "a great friend when it's just her and maybe a few others", but basically I'm a shit friend every other time - so, any social occasion we go to? Because it seems like I, "get bored really quickly and find someone else more interesting".
Apparently, it's not only her and R who think this and get this treatment from me! No no, it's Rosie and Step, too, just to name a couple.

I don't mean to sound so mocking. Kind of. But I've been hurt, quite simply, and feel the need to express this hurt.
At first I felt... well, a lot of things. She said, and has said before, some horrible horrible things to me. I didn't think about it when she's said anything before but I honestly don't know how anything will ever be okay between us again. I've basically been told my faults, in a vicious manner, and she's expressed her not wanting me to change who I am. So, the only possible outcome is I alter myself slightly and/or she gets to a point where she can not be angry at me anymore. But even when that happens, I will forever have the knowledge of all the things she's said (by the way, I love that song! I'm totally gunna go listen to it now).

When I realised this, I suddenly was less unhappy. I cried a flippin' lot, but Teddy spoke to me (Teddy would be my favourite boy ever) and made me feel better and reminded me that I've still got him and other people and a place to escape to, even if I don't always like it there.
If she ever needs me I will always be there. But I doubt I'll go running to her any time soon; the girl who claimed she was my REAL friend, (as opposed to all those imaginary ones I've got running about) friends don't do what she did.
So, the contradiction (inwardly) is that even though I'm like :( I'm also like :) which is weird.
Do you like that even though this was all rather "woe is me", I still managed to make some jokes? Yeah, me too.

IMPORTANT: I would like to note that it's not like I've not ever messed up or whatever, I have. Totally. But I admit that. And apologised for those things. I'm tired of apologising.

Hello 2010

2010-01-03T19:42:00.002Z

I'm just going to say it. Everything I've wanted to for ages because I just can't do this anymore.
I have a friend - and this effects my other friend's opinions - who clearly thinks I'm an absolutely rubbish friend. I try. I really flippin' do; I'd like to think I'm quite a good friend, really, but nothing is ever enough for him.
It's like I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say, what I do, how I act because if I let me guard down for one second I've messed up again.
He hates going to clubs with me because I'm a bit of a social butterfly - but he knows I am. So, he tells me he hates it, tells me he doesn't want to go to clubs with me anymore and then when I go to a club and don't invite him he gets pissed at me. THAT DOESN'T WORK! Also, I'm sorry, but if I was going somewhere I usually ask who else is going and/or tell them to come along but this never happens the other way around with him. If he goes to the pub or anywhere I probably go to also I don't get an invitation - why? Surely, that's not fair.
I get sulked at because I haven't asked him to hang out with me yet, but when has he done it? Even once since I've been back in Portsmouth? Well, he hasn't! So, when I ask to hang out with him now it's replied in a begrudging way like I've pissed him off again but apparently, his words = "it's too much effort to be angry with you".
I'm sick of this. It's exhausting feeling like I've constantly messed up a friendship.

This is terribly written, I don't care. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what to do.

slag face

2009-12-30T14:34:00.003Z

My cousin called me slag in jest and then was slightly taken aback when my response was to agree with him.
I think the best come back to insults is usually to just agree with the person, they rarely know what to say afterwards. Although, funnily enough, I only agreed because it's true, or it used to be. I was big ol' slag face from about half way through 2007 until the very beginning of 2009; with a 8 month period in this time when I just stopped being a slag face and went out with GC.

So, quite frankly, I have no issue with admitting my past behavior. Especially since most people had absolutely no idea because I was awesomely sneaky and, unlike most slags, didn't advertise my activities. I will talk about it now, openly, but not with pride. And the people who do talk about those things with pride are idiots - they weren't notches on my bedpost, only an asshole keeps count.

Ugh.

2009-12-09T22:24:00.002Z

I'm sure in a permanent state of procrastination. Although, to be fair, today has been manic! So it's not really my fault.

I had a choir event; we went to Broadstairs which is about 40 minutes or so away from Folkestone and performed in this carol service in a church which isn't like the churches I'm used to and people kept asking me things which I didn't know the answer to because I don't go to a church with reverends! I go to a church with pastors. It's different - sad face. We got there at like 3 and the thing didn't start until half 5 so there was a lot of waiting around, and a lot of giggling at stupid things during silence moments.

- I would just like to briefly mention that my flatmate just yelled, "SUCK IT!!!", I think he's playing FIFA. I will never understand why you'd want to play a video game of football, but whatever!

Right and then when that was over we went to the Broadstairs campus for Canterbury Christ Church students - they have arty stuff like photography and commercial music, etc - and we did some of our songs over there and people were all smiely and it was fun. Thy want us to perform next year, too and I'm pretty sure they'll get us to do some other events too because we ROCK!.

Awesome, okay. Well, I didn't get home until late and then I asked Joe for his laptop and he took forever and now it's too late for me to do work and I just need to sleep in order to wake up super early and do LOADS of work then! YAY!!
Right... BYE.

RAWR!

2009-12-08T15:08:00.000Z

Ihavesomuchworktodoit'sinsaneandithinki'mslowlylosingmymindandwhyamionhereandnotactuallydoingitrightnowi'mCRAZY!

That is all.

Ramble.

2009-12-06T21:44:00.003Z

Today I went to City - which is always fun!
Sophia, a girl from uni, usually comes with me but today she said she had too much work to do. The weirdest part was she asked me if that was okay; I mean seriously, if it wasn't, what would she do - come anyway because I was pissed? No. Silly girl. She's an odd one, but absolutely lovely. She's a new Christian so for her everything is exciting and amazing and intense, it's really awesome to be around someone so into something so new in their life. I envy it because I've always known God, but I know I have something different with my relationship with him, not everyone is the same.
So, I went on my own and I acutally had a really good time. I met lots of people whose names I probably won't be able to remember when I go back in month but that's fine, we'll do it all again and I'll pick it back up in no time.
Afterwards me and Hani went with some other people to Nandos.

Some guy was like masachistically torturing himself by continuously eating fries with the super hot peri-peri sauce. He kept saying it hurt but carried on, I can't say I entirely understood the situation.

The bus back home was probably the worst part of my day. When I left Hani and walked to the bus, I thought I'd get a Shake Away on my way over, and consequently missed the bus which I found out only goes once an hour. I was literally, one minute late. So, I sat around in the freezing cold bus shelter for an hour with my hands slowly losing all feeling. I mean the actual bus journey wasn't that bad, I was just tired and wanted to get it over with.. and fell asleep at a few points until my head slumped forward so much that my headphones fell off and I hit head on the hand rail thing on the seat in from of me. Fun.

Home home home. I wish Joe hadn't come home so soon after I'd come arrived back, but what can you do.

Procrastinating again. I give up, I'm terrible at this whole ACTUALLY doing work thing. Plus reading is so much fun. Alex reccommended this book series to me by Scott Westerfeld and I honestly haven't been able to put it down. It's ridiculous. I love it! It's made me read loads of other things.

The beginning of the end... Of this year.

2009-12-05T20:33:00.000Z

So, it's been almost three months since I moved away to uni and I'm going back in a week for a month over Christmas. I can't explain how much I miss my home, going back will be amazing.
It's been.. interesting. To say the least.
From my last post, you know that my Grandfather died. It was about two weeks into my being here; that was difficult. Along with being homesick, not really getting on with my flatmate and having a small issue back home that I had to deal with whilst being here at the same time, the entire experience has been one I couldn't have predicted in any manner.
A few weeks in I was became somewhat of a recluse. Living here literally changed how I am with myself and other people; and if you've met me, although I don't think that's necessary, you know that I'm anything but reclusive. But I didn't want to be anywhere near my flatmate, I didn't feel close enough to anyone to get comfort about my Grandfather, no one ever came to see me and I didn't want to intrude on people's lives all the time so, I spent a lot of time on my own. I wanted to go home, give up and just live my life in my parent's house in Portsmouth where I knew I had friends I could count on. But I didn't want the disappointment I knew would come with that.

Only God knows how, and I thank him every day for helping me through this, but I managed to start going out and meeting people outside of uni which built my confidence back up to hang out with my uni friends again and everything there is alright now. I found an amazing church called City Church - it's in Canterbury but I don't mind traveling to go somewhere I love. I quit smoking! It's been three weeks - and although even that mention of smoking kind of makes me want a cigarette, I know I've done one of the best things ever for myself and I couldn't be prouder. As a consequence I've gained a bit of weight, but that's coupled with my brief few of weeks of being a recluse; I comfort eat. And I know it'll be easier to lose now because I'll, even if slowly, find exercise easier.
I'm going to re-string this guitar I have, borrowed from my Mummy, and I WILL learn to play it. And then do some covers and write some songs and get some gigs. And I want to get a decent camera and do some photography and put it up on flickr and look at the world.

Boys aren't on my agenda at all. I can't escape old memories enough to make new ones and although I've had fleeting moments, there's been nothing substantial. Nothing that can compare. Nothing for ages. My attitude, as one who just isn't that interested, is apparently all the more interesting to the male of the species, and I can't figure out whether that's fun or irritating. I think both, some times fun but after a while irritating. Or just plain creepy.

God has completely turned me upside down and then the right way up again. I'm baffled and serene at the same time. Serenely baffled. I'm seeing my life through someone else's eyes, and this person is just ever so slightly more grown up than when I first arrived at university.

Now, I best stop procrastinating and actually do some work if I want to actually pass this course.
I'll try and update more often from now on. My bad. What can I say? I'm a student.

A shock

2009-09-29T23:35:00.000+01:00

Today my Grandfather died.

I miss my family more than ever. I have never felt so far away, being at uni has suddenly become difficult. I wish I could just be with my parents and be there to cry with and comfort my Daddy.

He was a great man, and shall be missed greatly.

Slowly destroyed

2009-09-14T01:31:00.001+01:00

I have never cried so much in my life than I have in the last two weeks.

I'm upset to go, but staying is destroying me.

Either way, I have a reputation to uphold, and it's proving more difficult than I thought. When the world thinks that you perceive yourself to be better than others, even if you don't there is no convincing them. I believe myself to be no more perfect than anyone else just because I have faith, humanity is flawed, myself doubly so.

I wish I didn't care, but I do.

The inspiration

2009-09-03T00:53:00.000+01:00

I consider myself dramatic, in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's not something I always choose, you can only help who you are some of the time. Ambiguity is a good talent too, huh?
So, recently I'm all over the place. Happy, sad, happy, sad - I can't cut my emotions a break, my brain must be on a the edge of a mental breakdown with all the thoughts flying through it, constantly contradicting each other, bloody hell. So much is going on that I can't seem to pin down one feeling at a time.
But since I met a stranger, who moved me more than any of the people in my life ever have done, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, and everything is just.. cool. I don't think this person will ever know quite how much their influence has stuck with me; they weren't even trying. In one moment I suddenly saw what I needed to do, the drive that was required, to do what I want to do with my life. The musical aspect, anyway. But it all runs into everything else. I'm gunna take up guitar, finally and try my very hardest to quit smoking because now it's something that I really want to do, instead of something I know I should do.
All the time now music is running through my head, all mashed up into one big musical amazement, which makes no sense whatsoever and I am flippin' loving it. Everything is inspirational, everything is something I can write a song about, I have an entire discography forming in my head.

This all sounds crazy and honestly, if you could get inside my head, that query would definitely be confirmed. But I'd like to thank, and always will, the man who inspired me by doing nothing at all, bearing part of his soul on stage to a group of.. mostly underage teeny-bopper fangirls, and me. Thank you to the man who merely said, "hello", and gave me a gift.
I remain, no fangirl, but definitely a fan.

Greg Holden, thank you. Listening to you in a dingy London venue changed me.

2009-08-31T23:33:00.000+01:00

I have some very close friends who I've always prided honesty with, absolute honesty, nearly all the time. This sometimes results in hearing things that the other person may not want to hear but it's always been out of friendship and a caring nature. I'm now harbouring such negative feelings towards one of these "friends" and I can't even bring myself to confront them about how much of a rubbish person they're being, especially about me behind my back.

When did I suddenly become such hard work to be friends with that some one could actually complain about having to see me?

I can't tell you, not even via something you may or may not read can I tell you, because I don't want to tell you directly, I don't want to tell you in an email and be cryptic and I don't want you to get really pissed off at me when it's YOU who's upset me!

So, I'm stuck. I will carry on pretending things are fine, when they're not, because all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to how much of a crappy friend you really are. And it hurts so flippin' much.

Phone business

2009-08-19T20:53:00.000+01:00

A couple of months ago, my phone broke. It's purple and gorgeous and I'm attached to it and it broke. Some of the buttons just stopped working and after attempting the "turn it off and on again" trick, I then could not turn it on again because some of the numbers that were in my pin code were not working... Great!
So, I took my phone to 3 and they took it and fixed it and then gave it back to me a few days later, very quick, very good. THEN a week and a half later my phone breaks again, the same problem. I took my phone back to 3 - at this point slightly disgruntled - and asked if they could replace it. The response to this was that it was probably replaced when it was fixed because it was a more internal problem. I bloody doubt it. Right, so they took my phone again and "fixed" it AGAIN and everything was fine.
For about a month.
And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, my phone breaks AGAIN with the same problem. My word, at this point I wasn't just disgruntled, I wanted to hurt people! Especially the stupid flippin' girl at 3 when I went there and she says that they can't send my phone off for fixing unless I can provide proof that I purchased my phone from that store. I obviously don't have this because it's not something I carry with me all the time and because this is a new policy. My point was that she COULD HAVE just typed my name into her little stupid computer and found out that I bought my phone from here, but NO, apparently she wasn't allowed to do that because that makes perfect sense and therefore is far too easy.
This girl, who trust me, was definitely not taught the "the customer is always right" rule. I wasn't even getting angry at her and she was acting as though I was. Well, love, I could do considering you've taken my phone twice already and it's still not right.
She then TAKES my phone, after telling me she can't send it off to be fixed, and starting looking at it, struggles with taking the back off and then starts to take the battery out. THIS is a completely retarded thing to do because as she's doing this I'm telling her that it's the same problem, the buttons do not work and I can't turn it off because if I do I can't get back into it because I have a pin and THE BUTTONS DO NOT WORK!!!
She then takes my battery out and then puts it back in and then turns my phone back on, only to offer me my phone to type in my pin, to have me say that I've literally just explained that I couldn't do that. Being slightly more pissed off by her now, but not really showing it, I then mentioned how now I have no phone because I can't get into it (because she just turned it off, idiot girl).
She then looks at me and says something to the general idea that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know I had a pin, did she? I should have told her. I then quickly thanked her (WHYYY??!!) and walked out briskly, fists clenched, holding back the want to scream as much as I possibly could.
I walked into Carphone Warehouse, and walked up to a, conveniently, attractive guy called Alex.

"Hey... Alex! I would like to start by apologising for any misplaced anger towards you, it's not you, it's ALL because of 3. I now hate them. Can you help me?"

He was smiling by the time I was half way through this speech,

"A lot of people feel that way about 3. So I will try."

I clearly love him by this point. LOVE him. I could marry him. Settle down and have children with him. Anyway, I tell him what's up, I ask for my phone to be fixed and he says they have the same policy BUT he does it anyway - see! He loves me too!! He sends my poor broken phone off and after a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I was confused. I try ringing them and I don't get through to anyone, and then I get an automated phonecall message thingy saying that due to the nature of the problem, it's going to take an extra 10-14 days. But that's okay, that's fine, as long as it's fixed, EVENTUALLY.
Today I got another automated phonecall telling that my phone is back and ready to pick up. FINALLY!

What have I learned?
Boys will do anything for you in a shop if you looked disappointedly cute enough.
The girl in the 3 store is a gobby cow, who doesn't listen, with an attitude problem.
And people in the 3 store are generally retarded if they don't think that the first thing anyone does when something doesn't work is to TURN IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!

I feel way better now.
Awesome.

Tomorrow? Hello Alex >_<

It's been a while.

2009-08-18T16:52:00.000+01:00

Today I wished I kept a diary. I remembered how much I loved writing and how I've always thought it to be a very good creative outlet. I miss keeping my thoughts somewhere other than my brain, it feels better to say things and then feel the release of not having them all locked up. That sounds retarded, I know, but try not to think about it. So, I'm back.

I turned 19.
I went on tour.
I got very good grades. VERY good grades.
I got into a university that I'm still unsure about; Canterbury Christ Church, on the Folkstone campus, to do Performing Arts. I do like it there, I love it there. But I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen and being completely aware of who I'm living with and whether I'll enjoy this course, if it's the right thing to do.
I'm still smoking, unfortunately.
I'm still going to Church and I love it and I love God and everything's still difficult there, but when is life not a struggle?

My love life is completely non-existant and I, honestly, like it that way. Of course, I'm not going to deny that it is nice to have someone, but I like not having the hassle and confusion that boys bring, and the risks on my morals and beliefs. Hmm, plus it often gives you this false validation that fades after about ten minutes.

I really want to tell a story.
I think it's about time it was told.

Odd, that.

2009-05-13T13:41:00.000+01:00

It's a bit strange that if you look back on quite a few of my posts I'll mention that I'm at college. I don't know what it is about college but for some reason it gets me writing this thing when the rest of the time, when at home, I rarely do - which is appalling and I wish it were different but every time I say I'll change I never do so, meh.

Tomorrow we go on tour, me and my class, for college around the Isle of Wight which I'm very much looking forward to. I think four venues altogether, but I could be wrong. The last one will be the best, bringing over some people from the mainland which'll be fun, a proper gig feel to it, not that the others don't really have that.
Everyone keeps saying about getting trashed every single night, not only can I not fund that, I can also not manage that. I'd kill myself, my liver would have a panic attack and never speak to me again and I quite like the relationship we've got at the moment. Especially because I was rather abusive towards it recently, it wasn't very nice of me, so now I've got to really work at keeping it happy. However I am now certain that my gag reflex is in great working order, along with realising I've got some majorly unused stomach muscles that now I'm aware of due to great pain. So, my body's all in working order, why would I then want to abuse the hell out of it? There's having a good time and then there's destroying yourself, and I think I'm okay with not doing that for a while, thank you very much.
I will enjoy myself, by all means, and I will partake in a few drinks but I'm not going to go mental... Friday night shenanigans kinda killed my love for mental nights out for a bit.

My birthday soon. I'll be 19.
I'm quite excited, actually. People keep telling me that I'll feel no different, which, honestly, I think is a really stupid thing to say because of course I know I won't feel any different, every day I age and I'm not idiotic to think that one specific day is going to completely how I feel and look, it's not like everything jumps forward a year. What twats.
The really stupid part is when I kept saying that I KNOW I WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT, I'm just looking forward to being 19, they continued to say it will feel no different. OH MY GOD! WHAT RETARDS AM I DEALING WITH!?
I wasn't even talking to them... I swear, some people don't even deserve the right to speech, they don't use it wisely or well or correctly or coherently. Rtards.

RIGHT! After using many capitals, I'm going to depart, I have rehearsals in a bit and need to run off to that. I really hope this goes well, we have one more set of rehearsals tomorrow morning before we run off to the ferry port and get on with the tour. It's all happening very quickly and quite frankly I am just scared... but in a good way, I think.
Wish us luck!

Mild fail

2009-04-28T13:12:00.000+01:00

Bit like a lot of other parts of my life...
Hmm, these things happen though, you know?
The reason I was inspired to post today was because some one I know, vaguely, sent me a message telling me they spent their lunch break reading my blog. Which, if I'm being honest, I think is a crazy way to pass the time of your day but then, if you know what I think then that means that you're reading this and, in which case, I thank you; I never considered my life or my thoughts at all interesting except to me, and even then..

A few updates...
VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April) has been going quite well. I've missed two days so far, which, for me, is actually very good. Considering my lack of motivation and organisation. I really want some structure to my life. I'm taking the very scary steps of going to sleep at normal hours unless deliberately intentional. Last night I went to bed at 11. Now, I'm sure I didn't actually sleep until, at least, 12 but I felt so much better for it this morning, just resting is still better than keeping my mind actively doing things and thinking. Thinking is a terrible pass time, I should really stop.

I didn't get into a single drama school so it's back to being clueless about the rest of my life for me, until next year comes around and I can begin to panic and stress out over it all over again. Oh, joy! That's how i enjoy living my life, how about you? Currently my focus is hellbent on college and actually getting work done instead of telling my parents I'm "getting it done" so often that I start to believe it myself. It's difficult but I'm learning to sit down and just get on with it. Ew. Kinda hate it, though.

So, other than that nothing is happening with my life. Apart from my doing vague and inconspicuous things that I shouldn't, and told myself I wouldn't, do. I feel guilty about these things, but only because I don't feel guilty at all, and my lack of guilt is getting to me a bit. Weird.

Tonight is the charity gig my class and I had to organise, as a promotions company, and put on together. I hope it goes well, I hope ticket sales are better than I think they'll be. Minor panic there, but only in the back of my mind and only to the extent that it would suck if the night sucked. Basically, the word 'suck' is rotating on my mind about everything to do with tonight, apart from loads of my friends in one place, that part is amazing.

LIKE YOUR FACE.

Today was made of win

2009-03-30T19:47:00.000+01:00

I went to Thorpe Park with my class from college which was awesome and amazing and if i have time at a later date I shall explain in more detail as to why it was so much fun, but for now I must keep it brief because I am getting ready to go to Route and get my groove on with my friend Hani who I've known forever! She just turned 18! :D

Also, tomorrow, I plan on making a video. This may fail. But I plan on it.

Aaaannnnd... I'm done.

yo.

2009-03-27T17:51:00.000Z

I went to Manchester on Tuesday for a drama school audition and stayed with Jazza, which was lovely and reminded me that I haven't done a post in ages. So, I thought I'd try to get back into the swing of things.
I've decided that even if my posts aren't awesome or insightful or amazing, it doesn't matter as long as I keep up to date with them, because that was the point of it all in the first place. Also, my posts began to get a bit... down. Things were getting kinda on top of me so, when things were good I wasn't writing about it and when they were bad all I wanted to do was rant, but didn't because then I felt like all I was writing about was terrible things and that I just moaned about everything. Which I don't. I'm actually an annoyingly positive person but, things just went a bit bad for a while.

BUT, I'm going to start 'counselling' sessions with a woman who lives near me so I can get things out that way.

Just to update...
I'm not going to America this summer anymore due to stress and it all being too much and EVERYTHING. I don't think I will get into drama school this year, which is okay because I think I'd like to have a year of growing up and having to work full time, experience and what not. AND... I'm running out of things to say so BYE! =D

After thought

2009-02-13T12:33:00.000Z

I would like to state first, that this is obviously not fact - I don't think it is - but all my own opinion based on my own faith driven and moral beliefs and my life experience so far. My opinion is something which I am entitled to, and my opinion does not make me an idiot. Thanks.
Now, please continue.

After my last post I've been thinking a lot (and the comment left on it). Mostly about the fact that I'm thinking a lot, but not saying my thoughts. Not even here, because for a long while I felt like I couldn't because of my audience, not that I'm even really aware of who reads this anymore, if anyone.
And so, I say with all my heart, the world is kind of retarded when it comes to dating and relationships. Growing up we all feel the need to be in a relationship when most of us aren't ready for the type of commitment a relationship should really have. Most couples don't even have that level of commitment when they're are in their twenties, so why even try in your teens.
Fair enough, I've known and seen a few relationships that have started young and maintained themselves until marriage and are still going strong; my aunt and uncle just celebrated their 25th anniversary, and she was only 17 when they were married. But, for me, I just don't really understand the point of dating until I fully understand myself and feel ready for it. And when I say ready for it, I mean prepared for a relationship with someone that will lead to marriage.
Yes, marriage.
Now, that statement may sound a WEE BIT extreme for all you casual daters out there, but let me put it this way, why be in a relationship with someone when you can't see it going anywhere? In my mind, there is no point, you're just killing time, and you'll probably just end up hurting yourself and the other person if you can't see a future in it. Not to mention, most people kinda give pieces of themselves away when they get close to someone, and then if that doesn't work, you're left with less and less to give each time - when you finally get to the person you're meant to be with, will there be anything left?

My last relationship left me broken. And I can openly admit that, although I'm over what happened, I'm still not really over the person or the relationship in itself. When it ended, I ran around being chased by guys I wasn't interested in, only because I was lacking the person I really wanted, I just liked the attention. So, I did stupid things and broke myself down more to the point where I came back to my old view on life.
Before I was 16 I was convinced that no sex before marriage was the best thing for me, and for other people too, but each to their own. I went down a bad path, the wrong one, for me that is. I just ended up being an emotional mess, sex just complicated things so much more than I thought it would. Now, I didn't think anything I was doing was bad until about six months ago, but by that point I'd driven myself into a hole so deep, I had to reach up to touch rock bottom. I did something about it, or rather life had other plans for me, brought me back to my old way of thinking, and actually living that way as well.

I don't think I would restrict myself to dating until after university, but then I'm not going to give myself a deadline. I pray about guys - which is allowed - but I also pray that I can just focus on God and my family, friends and just being me for a while, 'cause I kinda lost who I was. And I'm awesome, so that sucks, heh.
I don't think I really want to meet my future husband yet, but when I do I know that I'll be entering into, not just a relationship but, a friendship too. It won't be about sex, it'll be about me, him, and God. Oh yeah, christians only please?

So, to everyone who knew a different me before, I'm not really different in myself, I'm still the amazingly self assured girl who's a bit too loud and probably makes you laugh even though she's not funny. I'm still pretty rude and a little crude, and the flirting thing? Well, I've tried to tone it down as much as I can but some things are just me. The only difference now is, I've got God back in my life, and I couldn't be happier.

Absolute rubbish

2009-02-10T10:56:00.000Z

I am sat down in the computer suite at my college and, I swear, the stupidest kid I have ever encountered is sitting about three computers away from me.
He just made the most bone headed ignorant comment I've heard from a, probably, 16/17 year old boy. And I quote,
"Looks are the be all and end all. I only get with women on the basis of looks."

My. Word.

I then looked around to see who this pig headed ass face was and he was marginally attractive, but I wouldn't look twice; looking once is a stretch. But that comment was actually enough to make me want to throttle him. And apparently blog worthy. Just a mild point, as well; 'women'? I'm sorry, boy? How many 'women' do you actually know? I'm a woman, at a push, but I'm still a lot more womanly than the slaggy girls you probably end up with. If any.
OMGOSH.

What kind of moron boys do I go to college with!?

A girl he was talking to just said she didn't like her boyfriend that much, but she'd stay with him anyway. WHAT!?
People only a year or two below me at college are bloody retards.

geek geek geek

2009-02-03T14:13:00.000Z

I freak'n LOVE Stargate.
Sat with my mum watching Stargate Continuum!

I'm such a geek it hurts, sometimes.

So, that party

2009-02-02T16:57:00.000Z

It was HILARIOUS!
The only uncool thing of it was Heidi (birthday girl) getting upset and walking off.. Scary when it's the middle of the night and snowing like there's no tomorrow, and she's only wearing three quarter lengths and a strap top. Scary as hell.

Otherwise the night was amazing, had a really good time and I believe I've made some new friends. So, yay :D
But this morning I had to walk back from college to mine, which I was totally okay with, my friend dropped me at college as he was going there anyway and hopped out and walked on home. However, I realised that I had left my keys in my house on the way home and suddenly had no idea what to do - it was ten in the morning. So, in the end, I had to walk to my dad's work, which took me 45 minutes and get keys off of him, and then walked home again, another 30 miniutes. It wasn't fun, the roads and pavements were covered with icey snow and slipped up every five minutes. I now have a very bruised bum.

I just found out that Brandon, a guy I've known on t'internet for over six years now, is joining the Navy. Now, this is awesome and I'm super happy for him BUT this summer we'd been talking about meeting for the first time. This has been discussed for over a year now and is approaching faster because now it's the new year and it's only a few months away until I actually jump on a plane and go out to the states to work. Him joining the Navy means now I don't think it will work anymore. I can't imagine being able to see him while I'm working, I finish for exploration around America in August, which is when he's going to be shipped off.
Now I'm super bummed, but had to kinda come to face with the fact that it may never happen and when this was mentioned to him, I don't think he took it well. It's not that I don't believe that he wants to see me, or has any intention to, I just don't want to think too optimistically and then feel this rubbish about it again. It kills me that I haven't already met the dude.

And LASTLY!!!
I totally just made a video. Don't expect good things, please. The last video was a total whim.

I have friends

2009-02-01T17:41:00.001Z

I never really had friends in college. And if I did, it was like... one. And rarely did I see them outside of college. So, I had 'in college' friends but that was it. Otherwise, I kinda ended up sticking to my mates outside of it, even they happened to go to my college too, they were still from outside of it. BUT now I have friends in college and the proof is from a bunch of us going out on thursday to this club called Waster. It was SO MUCH FUN.

Now, I'm getting ready to go to a party. With my friends from college :D

The decision

2009-02-01T01:23:00.000Z

It was like a hard slap in the face; my realisation that I had to step up and actually take responsibility for my life, now. At first it was terrifying... I mean, it still is, but I'm adjusting to it because I know that if I put hard work in now it will all pay off and I'm so excited for the outcome.

In the next few weeks/months I have to...
- call the U.S. embassy and ask about a Visa
- apply to bunac
- learn 3+ (the + is a likely outcome) audition monologues and read the play that each one is from. And know it.
- attend 8 auditions all over the country. And one in Wales.
- practice monologues every day.
- learn and perfect a 45 minute set of songs for Isle of Wight tour (which I will probably try and persuade people to come to)
- learn and perfect three songs for vocals class in and out of college.
- practice singing every day
- finishing details for events management (actual temporary promotions company putting on a gig)
- promote promote promote! (btw, tuesday 28th April, 7:30pm, top floor, Club 8, Guildhall Walk - prices, bands and djs tbc, probably around £3) Oh, yes!
- hand in two improved essays from last year... please, no one of concern read that bit.
- recording sessions
- lose 3stone - no arguing, I don't think I'm fat. I'm not deluded. I just want to be more comfortable with my weight and I have gained SO much in the past two years. Plus, getting all hair cut off would be more favourable with cheek bones and jaw line looking gorgeous and lovely. And visible.

Wow. I've got my work cut out for me.

I freak'n love it. I'm ready.

I couldn't think of a title

2009-01-27T23:30:00.000Z

I sat here, on my bed, wanting to eat a lot of junk food; comfort. No idea why it suddenly spurred, but it did. So, I went downstairs to see if I could try and solve my problem of want, I couldn't. Instead I decided it would be better to smoke.
I'm clearly an idiot.

Last week I stopped smoking for a week and a half, just because I didn't feel like it. I realised that quitting wouldn't be that difficult. That was, until, college on Thursday. Everything was fine, and then I arrived, and it was all downhill from there. I've been quite good though, only smoked last night because I was out, which is, admittedly, a terrible reason to smoke but otherwise I've been good. I just figure right now screaming, hitting things (or people), and over eating would cause a more negative outcome than if my goal is to quit, but I smoke when I have any of the aforementioned cravings.

I stood out in the cold, wearing a tee shirt and joggers, with a slight rain, and I just simply... stood there. Nevertheless, all that, and now typing it up, makes me feel slightly better.
Not so bitter.

So, what started out as an entry with a terrible mood, is ending as not that terrible after all.
Life is complicated, most of the time. But I can try and deal. And I will.

UGH

2009-01-14T02:49:00.000Z

I having real trouble sleeping of late.
This has meant that I've been catching up on youtube a bit and re-discovering the love I had for so many people I used to watch and have just forgotten about because I cut myself off from the whol thing for such a long time.

So, one of my new year's resolutions was to get better organised. Although, I had considered cutting out youtube altogether, 'cause that would help, instead I just want to prioritise better so that I can include youtube in the things I enjoy doing. Along with this blog, where I often start writing things and then never post them...
College, uni auditions, seeing people, the occassional drinking session, church and God - which is higher on the list, but this isn't in order - and last but definately not least, some time for myself. Where I can chill on my own without anyone or anything else. Maybe a book. Maybe a few songs. But that's it.

I miss the old days, things were easier. I was so much more care free. Now I think about things, too much, and it's become my ultimate downfall.

What I would say

2009-01-10T22:57:00.000Z

I have completely no desire to talk to a certain person ever again, whether they like it or not.
I don't want to talk about it and it's no one who reads this so I feel I can openly say with complete ambiguity how I, very vaguely, feel about/towards them at the current moment. And have done for the entire day. And probably will continue to for the rest of... well, a long time.

To the person of consequence,
I seriously hope for the rest of your life you never forget, for even a minute, what you did because then it would mean that for a brief moment you could've felt even a little glimmer of happiness, and you don't fucking deserve that.

And now that that's done and dusted, I can quite honestly say that the main reason I posted this entry was because
A - I've been thinking that all day. It's been a freak'n long day of absent stares and thinking far too much, and generally around the above's topic, of which the reader has no idea and
B - I don't care that none of you understand because, in all honesty, I just think that if I did get a chance to say that to said unmentioned person it would be the most epic of pwns in my history of pwns, definately in my top five, and they would not know how to respond.

Except knowing them, they'd probably just turn around and say something fucky because they're an asshole and are just like that. For fuck sake, I entered the New Year depressed, crying and angry and lacking a reason in my head to stop being or doing any one of those things. Since then nothing's gotten better and I'm mostly still feeling and thinking the exact same things.
It kind of gets worse but I'm sure it's just me.

Today my mother said one of the most understanding things she could ever say to me,
"I some times forget how hard it is to be your age"

Hmpf.

2008-12-18T03:29:00.000Z

Being jobless, out of college for Christmas and having nearly nothing to fill my days with means that I've started spending far too much time on this lovely thing on my lap that I adore. Wow.

Anyway, as a result my sleeping habits are quite thoroughly askew and I shall, no doubt, be posting more entries than usual. And by 'usual', I mean since I had a job and a life that I could happily fund that caused my complete lack of contact with my banters online.

I can never figure out whether it's a good thing or not, in the same way that I can never figure out whether I should do it. I'd be somewhat lost without, though. So, it stays.

The other day I did a very VERY stupid thing.

This blog has become so vague now, it hurts. I don't feel like I can write about any truth because of who may read it, that's not what I wanted it to be at all. I'm all for sparing feelings but when I hold mine back constantly, that's ridiculous.

My House

2008-12-15T16:53:00.000Z

My house looks like the inside of a Christmas decorations store.

It's VERY strange. And fills me with a horrible sense of Christmas cheer.

Scary as hell.

Stupid mistakes

2008-12-04T09:34:00.000Z

When I was 14 I was arrested for the destruction of public property.
This 'distruction' was me being a complete idiot and writing on the wall of the Guildhall.
The Police could have told me off, called my parents, told me to clean it off - which I would've gladly done - or any number of things that wasn't arresting me. But no, they arrested me.
It could be one of THE stupidest things I have ever done in my entire life and I don't like admitting to it, for the most part I avoid the topic altogether.

I want to go to work at Camp America over the summer.
I have now been told that this might not be possible because I might not be given a visa due to the fact that I have been arrested and, apparently, no matter how small the conviction or caution (it was only caution though!!! A CAUTION! A slap on the freak'n wrist) it is extremely unlikely I will be granted a visa.

If I could kick myself in the face, I totally would.

By the way

2008-12-03T00:53:00.000Z

Can I just have a quick show of hands, and then a comment confirming that hand showing, if you know full well that I'm a complete pervert, joking or not? Most of the time joking, but you guys know this, right?

According to Jacob Dyer, I hide it well. Okay, so I know he hasn't met me but has he ever seen my videos? I even perve on girls. Sophie knows, I don't think we've ever had a non-perverted conversation.

Gotta love that girl, or at least, I do ;]

Hey baby, insulation?

2008-12-03T00:45:00.000Z

A conversation about my house...

it got insulated the other day
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
Was it a painfull experience for you?
Anna Louise says:
well no, because it was the house not me
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
I thought you said "I got..."
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
Whoops.
Anna Louise says:
hahaha
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
I was like
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
-_-
Anna Louise says:
I thought that was the mistake
Anna Louise says:
haha
Anna Louise says:
that's how i talk dirty
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
...*Splutter*
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
WHAT?!
Anna Louise says:
oh yeah baby

Luke Francis

2008-11-25T12:02:00.000Z

On Monday morning I got dropped off home early in the morning by my friend. I was content, and happy and didn't have a care in the world. My parents opened the door to me and I sat down to have breakfast with my Mummy before she dashed off to work. She had the news on and she was reading... I don't understand quite how she expects to take either in, but whatever. I heard brief outlines of the accident that had happened Sunday morning, a boy had fallen off his bike and died due to the head injuries. They mentioned his name, "Luke Francis", I stopped what I was doing, "What!?"
My Mum didn't really know what to do, I was screaming at the tv. Especially when they showed the picture of him, "NO!"
Over and over again, all I could say was 'no'.

I calmed slightly, phoned up Rosie, she had been asleep. Had she heard? No. I told her. She was in as much shock as I was. My parents left for work, I cleaned up my breakfast stuff and went back to bed. When I woke up there were a few moments of clarity when I forgot what had happened, what I had found out. And then it sunk back in and seemed to hit me even harder than before.
The day was just a long procession of things to keep me distracted and to prevent me from sitting around looking and feeling miserable. When I was standing at the train station to Chichester I felt the burning eyes of people looking at me, clearly looking a little distressed, every now and then seeming as though I might burst into tears. I wanted to tell everyone I passed what had happened, maybe then they'd understand. What I wanted them to understand, I don't know, but it was killing me that people were going about their ordinary lives without a care. And why shouldn't they? But it was driving me insane.
Since I found out I've been over thinking again, like before, it can dangerous to linger in it for too long though. My Mum's worried about me already, I can tell.
I went round to my friend's house, Dom, in the evening and we just sat around watching crap and talking about all the memories we had of him and everything about back then. Reminiscing was nice. But then, the only memories I have of Luke are good ones, clearly my memory's being kind. But to be honest, Luke was amazing. He was funny and energetic and insane and everyone thought he would live forever; all the stupid things he'd done before, we thought he was invincible.

Sunday 23rd November 2008 - RIP Luke Francis.

jobsjobsjobs

2008-11-21T09:18:00.000Z

Interview today, trial shift tomorrow.
Two different places - I'm very excited.
I really should get ready, I'm going to run out of time otherwise.... Hm.

Last night was a bust, moved on to Sunday night instead.
It's just hard keeping lots of secrets.

Ambiguity much?
What a pointless post.

Shocked

2008-11-19T23:28:00.001Z

Today I was in the car with my Dad listening to the amazing musical composition that is Teardrop, by Massive Attack. Now, I could handle my father not knowing the song. Not knowing the band was... surprising, but still, okay. BUT THEN!

Dad "Where did you get this song?"
"I downloaded it"
"From where?"
"Limewire, why?"
"It sounds really badly recorded."
"What? How does it?"
"That crackling noise."
*codfish moment*
"...Dad, that's an old record sound effect."
"Oh. What's the point?"
"What's the point of a guitar?"
"To make a sound."
"Right."

Wow.

My advice

2008-11-12T00:23:00.000Z

Think about the decisions you make in your life before you make them. Although impulse is a good thing to live by, it can often take you down paths that you don't like when you get to the end.

I don't want anyone else to feel the way I have done about the various choices I've made in my life. People don't say it enough, you really need to think first.

Optimism

2008-11-10T21:21:00.000Z

When I got my headache last week that didn't go away, my good mood spree disappeared because I felt like I had shrugged anything bad that had happened in long time and just decided to be okay about it. Now, you guys don't know this because I haven't posted in a while, but I was actually in a really good place with myself. Nothing really got me down, and even if it did, I was okay pretty quickly.
But everything got on top of me and I felt like I couldn't cope anymore, so I just got upset a lot. Which is understandable around the time of my being fired and then the headache. The never ending headache! Which, luckily, is pretty much gone.
I hope it's not just that the painkillers are in my system still so that's why I'm okay, but yeh - morphene level painkillers for the win!

BUT I'm finally in a good place again, so... good stuff.
I'm looking forward to every day this week. I'm really looking forward to the weekend too, soo... WOO.

idiotswhoworkontrains

2008-11-09T19:54:00.000Z

I really hate it when I enquire about something, probably quite important, for example:
"Do I get an 'any time day ticket' to come back tomorrow?"
"Yes."
Now, at the time I thought this was very helpful - thank you, oh annonymous train gaurd at one of my local stations!
NO!!!
It doesn't last for the next day, I was told incorrectly and as a result had to buy another single ticket. I DON'T HAVE A JOB, YOU UNHELPFUL PRICK.

But, I'm alright really, because I just came back from Ian's. So, despite the slight hiccough, yay for seeing people I love <33

This one took a while

2008-11-05T23:16:00.000Z

I never get into the swing of things. My energy usually gets thrown into whatever new activity I'm doing and some things, as a result, suffer and often disappear from my attention, which is a shame.
A great shame.
College... It's okay. The class I've been moved into this year is incredibly different and a huge improvement from the one I was in last year. I still have the problem of the mere year age gap being oddly prominent, but for the most part I ignore it, there's no point in torturing myself. I'm slowly pushing my way into this group that's more like a family, I will create a place for myself, I need to. Jazz and Blues is the focus of this term and I'm loving it; I'm in college for three days a week but I love every single one of those days because each one gives me the chance to sing and that's all I want, all I've ever wanted in a college course to be honest. Who can complain...
Boys are a topic that I've just decided to drop. It's difficult, but what with my previous attachments not seeming to want to leave me, it's difficult to gain any new ones with sincerity. And boys just create a nuisance unless they're just friends, and I love my friends so just having friends for now is perfectly lovely. Another instinctive to do this is my faith, I need to bring my focus back to God, genuinely - I slipped too much and now I really and truly am trying so hard to stay on track.

So, I told you I got a job. That was amazing. I loved everything about it; place, location, people, everything. Saturday I was asked to leave.
Based on my performance when ill, which I didn't act up because I didn't want to seem like I was acting up, they decided I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of the job when it became busier which it apparently would. So, they asked me to leave, no notice. Which... sucked. It still sucks. I am now jobless. Again. And going to something YouTube related, again. Which I can only just afford because I am unemployed, again.
History has a funny way of repeating itself, even more recent events in history.

Ian's on Saturday...
A smile stole across my face as I typed that sentence, I can't help it, and I can't stop it. The last time I saw anyone, apart from Jazza in Manc and Becky last weekend, was at NSG's 888 shindig.
Before that, my birthday in Glasgow. That feels so long ago now, so much has happened since then. I've watched some of the gathering videos from Unchliche, even watching something that I missed, I still get the same feeling as I do when I'm there for real. I can't really explain it. If you go, then you know and understand all too well the overwhelming feeling you get when you see all these people that you value so much, all in one place, doing things we'd do in our own time but with each other instead. I miss it, I miss the rush. Agh. I'm getting annoyingly soppy. For this kind of emotion, please see crying video. [ghey ghey ghey]

On Saturday, when I arrived home from seeing Becky in Portsmouth with some of her friends, I started having a really intensely painful headache. When I woke up the next day it was still there. Even now, still there. Monday evening I went to an emergency appointment at the doctors about it and they gave me antibiotics and Cocodamol. Should you ever experience ridiculously unrelenting intense pain, Cocodamol is your answer, unless of course you're dying or missing a limb or something equally unlikely. Cocodamol is like the superman of all painkillers, a mixture of Codine and Paracetamol. And the side effects are lovely too! So, the good news is that my intense headache is now a mild twinge in the background for the most part, the bad news is that to replace my headache I get lovely doses of nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, shaking and hot and cold flushes. They're not all the time, thank God, but every now and then when I'm feeling dandy and least expect it, there they are!
Scenario: Anna is getting ready for college, Anna is just about to leave the house, BOOM! Anna feels like she is going to throw up. Later...
Anna is in college between rehearsing and listening to the pleasant music being played by her fellow students, WAM! Anna almost falls over and passes out because suddenly she's dizzy. WHILST SITTING.

Damn side effects.

Manchester

2008-10-10T12:33:00.000+01:00

I'm going to Manchester today for a university open day tomorrow.
Hopefully I'll get to see Jazza, that'd be awesome cos I haven't seen him since Alex's gathering...

There are some down sides to work... Hmm. Anyway, got to shoot off to Manc! I'll let you know what I think, I've already had a look at the Cardiff Atrium =D

Shutthefuckupannayoudepressinglittlegirl

2008-10-07T17:49:00.000+01:00

I always, at least, TRY to talk to you online.
I text you about something if I really think you'll actually respond, you don't.
I call you, you don't pick up. You stopped calling me a long time ago.

I've said it before, I sort out one aspect of my life and another aspect will just go to hell. It's more the fact that some people have stopped trying.

That part freak'n kills me.
I just feel like it's only me now, in everything. Why the fuck did you leave? You don't even know what the hell is going on with me anymore, I wonder if you would notice if I just disappeared all together...
Hm.

My new job.

2008-10-04T17:34:00.000+01:00

Working again is nice, it's nice to know that next saturday I will get roughly £75 or there abouts for the three shifts I've done this week, one of them being tonight.
I worked on monday, which was terrifying but I like to think that I picked things up quite quickly. I then worked yesterday for a another day shift which was more like a first shift than my first shift. I got lots of mistakes and accidents out of the way and sunk my self assurance WAY into the ground so that I started freaking out at the thought of dropping every single plate I picked up, not to mention my imagination running wild when holding a glass. Fun.
Tonight, before I take a nice three hour nap, I will go back to being terrified again because, not only, am I not doing a day shift, I'm also working upstairs. The previously mentioned 90s night club. I start at ten which means I'm being thrown right into the deep end when people will already be there, I'm not that fast at my job yet, drunken strangers scare me when I'm sober, I don't know how to make any of the cocktails AND I don't finish until 3. Which I'm told is actually more like 4/half 4. Hmm. I'll try to make these particular shifts as few as possible.
I then will go back to my friend's, Lauren, house and pass out in her house somewhere, wake up at some god foresaken hour and spend my entire day veggin' in her house until I have work tomorrow night again; the pub this time, still scary but not as late and my mum's picking me up to take me home to my own bed. Yum. Then I have a day shift on monday. Does it never end!?
The horrible part of this four day work scheduel is that it's actually my fault. I have a uni open day in Manchester on saturday and we're going up on friday so I can't work either, and I was down for both so they had to change me to the only available days left. Which just happens to make it four days in a row.
Ah well, more money for me, yum yum yum. How I can actually spend this money, I have no idea, because if this kind of work rota continues I will have no social aspect to my life other than the people i see at work and college. Here's how this week has, and will, be...

Thursday (gone):
-College 9-5
-See Tom in the evening
Friday (gone):
-Work 11-5
-Reg for an hour, hang out with Seb and Tom, say hello to Matt and other lovely Reg workers
-Go home
-Eat
-Go to sleep
Saturday (today!):
-Church membership day 9:30-4:30
-Come home
-Write in blog ^_^
-Sleep
-Go to work 10-3/4/4:30
-Get taxi to Lauren's
-Sleep
Sunday:
-Sleep
-Sleep
-Chill with Lauren and her little girl, Rosie, until work.
-Work 7(I think?)-12:30
-Go home
-Sleep
Monday:
-Go to work 11-4 (with Lauren, so that's nice)
-Go home
-Maybe see Tom
-Learn song I was supposed to for the next day in horrid panic
-Eat, chill, sleep
Tuesday:
-Go to college 9-1
-Go home and chill
-Do something, I don't know yet 'cause it has yet to happen. Jeezzz...
-Watch ANTM with Mummy
-Eat, sleep
Wednesday:
-Go to college 9-5 (pointless three hour break)
-Go home
-Chill, eat, chill, sleep
Thursday:
-Go to college 9-5
-Go home
-Eat quickly
-Go to work 7(I think?)-12:30
-Go home
-Sleep.

Which means I have roughly three days where I can have a social life, however!!! college is always an outside of the building requirement and I need to do assignments and learn songs for rehearsals and vocal technique. I'm going to kill myself!

But, otherwise, I really like work.
Night!

Memory

2008-10-02T11:16:00.000+01:00

And my apparent lack of it.
Remembering to update my blog, which I so faithfully kept for a good few months, failed miserably when I started back at college. My last post was two days before I had my first day back into education and I haven't updated anything since. I discovered Twitter, which I've been keeping to but for some reason every time I came online and did my rounds, my blog went completely out of sight and mind; which is a shame because I love my blog.

I got a job since I last wrote anything, I've only had one shift so far and I've got my second tomorrow. I now work in a pub and club that are owned and staffed by the same people. The pub is very student orientated - The Fleet - and is where I spent many cold winter days in my youth sitting in to avoid hypothermia. Babylon, the club upstairs, however, is a 90s club. Need I say more? I'm told that I will eventually have to learn a dance to do in the beginning of the nights in that lovely place and my first shift in the waste land of bad music and even worse attendants is on saturday. A gorgeous five hour shift that starts at 10pm and ends at 3am; at which point I'm sure I'll be dragging myself into someone's house and passing out on a unfamiliar bed of a friend's. This will probably be Lauren. A girl I only knew of, and only by face, who goes to my college doing the university course of what I'm doing now, so we have lots in common. Not to mention, now we work together.

Want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting next to a pedantic grammar whore twat who is obsessed with correcting ever little tiny fucking thing! I understand, honestly, I really do. When people use excessively and obviously incorrect grammar it is somewhat annoying, also makes me wonder if they were actually educated or not BUT, the way he goes about his obsessive little nit-picks is just down right rude and FREAK'N ANNOYING.

But enough about me getting annoyed at people constantly.
Life is good right now, I'm going to be getting money again soon which means I can live, and also come visit my lovely online friends who I feel expentially disconnected from right now. YAY.

I read Chris' blog today. His writing always makes me smile.
I miss people.

Impulse as a start

2008-09-10T19:04:00.000+01:00

I, as a rule, stand by not regreting anything. And at the end of most situations, I could say that I don't. But there are fleeting moments, and they usually occur when I do something by impulse. I'm all for living in the moment and doing things for yourself but, anyone who knows me has probably noticed, I overreact to things with such a dramatic force that I end up doing/saying/feeling things by impulse that I immediately wish I had not done.
For this, I just wanted to let people know that I'm sorry. A lot of the things I say are only my raw emotion talking, I'm an impulsive person, I say and do silly things and I apologise.

Since Chris, I haven't really been interested in guys. Well, no, I have, but at a very limited level. I like the attention and then I get scared any time they pay me a little too much, which is rather backwards and could be called 'leading people on'. In fact, yes, that's exactly what it is. I've known many people like this, which is probably why I do it so much. My best friend is equally like this with boys. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, and a scary one at that. We scheme like women but have the thought processes of men. We're overt, yet artful. Basically, we see, we want, and bloody well get. Buuut, recently, for me, it's been see, want, and then chicken out last minute because I'm really not that bothered and slightly creeped out by the entire scenario.
One thing I do like is that in having this mind-set, people keep asking me out on dates :D
The better part is turning them down. That's so deliciously satisfying in a way I have never encountered before; you should try it some time. I do not know why I was not doing this AGES ago. Also, and this has happened twice, both times I have turned people down, they've asked me out again - IT MAKES NO SENSE! But I bloody love it.
However, I still don't care. Things are still far too complicated.
Our weekly rendevouz to Route this monday resulted in Rosie and I spotting a group of five guys, every single one being attractive - I didn't even realise that possible. Usually a group of guys has at least one that isn't quite up to par.
I'm now judging guys.

Shoot me.

However, the group meeting was made ultimately lovely and entertaining by Luke, who is, possibly, the most hyperactive person I have ever had the pleasure to encounter in my entire life. The soul reason we started talking to all of them is because we were standing, completely overwhelmed and smirking by his convulsive moving, dancing by another name, but not in this particular situation. Not with him. Rosie stalked over and struck up conversation, excellent conversational skills that we both have, this was followed shortly with Luke offering me a scarily enthusiastic high five, missing my hand altogether, and slamming - with the full weight of his person - his hugely powerful hand into my arm. It still hurts.

Route never bores me.

2008-09-09T17:42:00.000+01:00

I was doing bloody well! I was okay for once, I been a bit down every now and then but I tell myself to snap out of it and I'm right back up again. I hadn't cried in weeks.

I'm spiralling over something pathetic and miniscule because you still affect me and I hate it.

Rage continuity

2008-09-09T17:30:00.001+01:00

I'd like to be able to contradict people when they tell me my blog is very down cast and often consisting of me being angry or just plain negative. However, I'm about to be very negative, so I figure at least I'm keeping with some sort of continuity, at the end of the day.

For the first time ever, I had the smallest thought and wished for a second that I had never gotten involved with anyone on youtube. There is no privacy.
Not only do I feel, once again, completely isolated from my friends, due to my not being able to go to youstage, I now want to find MyShowbizName and scream at him until my throat hurts.
I tried to take it in good humor and, to a certain extent, I did. And can. But joking or not, not only is that down right rude, it's insensitive and fucking harsh.

And then it's even more harsh for Chris to fucking put that fucking quote on his fucking profile.
Put that one up? Take mine fucking down.
I know he only meant it playfull, but he knows me, and he should know better.

I'll write something more positive later, because until now, I was actually doing okay recently.

Two.

2008-09-07T22:46:00.000+01:00

Two very strange things have occurred today, perhaps they were only a singularly strange thing for me, I'm not sure how another person would have dealt with such things.

One was a mere realisation, an epiphany if you will. I have a best guy mate. The feeling is not mutual. Our relationship is an odd one, in which I used to think I was in love with him and he knew. The feelings, unfortunately, not reciprocated. Recent events caused us to not speak for a few months, said events were, in fact, him and one of my very close female friends seeing each other behind my back. There is a lot of back story, lying and bitching involved that I do not care to detail but the overall result was, the girl and I are still friends but there's a hidden mistrust we don't speak about and my best guy mate and I are now smitten, having patched things up about two weeks ago.
I haven't seen him since before we had the argument that stopped us talking to each other, until today. We flirt, that's how we are. We look like a couple, we've always been this way, it's just how we work as friends. Before this entire thing happened, we had a weekend in which our friendship got slightly more friendly, quite a while ago. Tonight, we kissed, and there was nothing. I feel very little for him anymore, and as soon as this happened I switched off. I was normal, like how normal friends hang out, not draped over each other, we just sat. I think he thought I was kidding, however I realise now that I should have done this a long time ago, when I still felt something. His reaction was nothing other than chasing me, I gave him little attention and he was craving it.
I feel nothing for my guitar boy. Sure, I care for him but, something's missing now.
He's just a boy, again.

The other odd thing is, regretfully, facebook related.
LH was my first, and I was a girl obsessed when it came to him. I liked him anyway, throw in something like my virginity and you've got quite an attached girl on your hands. He liked me too, I know he did. He occasionally said things that gave it away, once he even half admitted it, following such tales of almost affection with, "but, you're too young."
Then there was, "I like you better when you're here with me, with everyone else you're different."
That was a killer. However, I was such a fool infatuated that I played along like it wasn't that important. He got what he wanted and I got his attention and affection in one way or another, I was somewhat satisfied. Until the day he told me about a girl he liked; an ex of his friend. I mean, I was there to listen and talk, and we had told each other secrets I wouldn't even dream of sharing with some people but that was too much. I also knew right from the beginning that he was moving away; to Leeds, he said, back with his family. I didn't see him for a week or so and that was it, he was gone. I found out not much later that he had, in fact, moved to Bristol. With his girlfriend. A new addition, just after me.
A little under a year ago a girl, who was involved with a friend of mine, told me in a toilet while she was drunk that he had been shagging one, maybe even two, other girls whilst he was seeing me. My first, tainted. Completely.
I didn't cry, I wasn't even that upset. I just took the information in and continued with my evening. And let it slowly eat away at me, I used to feel like it would never stop. I don't know if it has yet.
Today, I found him on facebook and added him. There was no emotion there when I did it, I know him, he knows me, therefore we fit the bill for 'facebook friends'. Something in me wanted to know what he was doing now, if he was with anyone, where he lived, remind myself of what he looks like.
I came home this evening to a perfectly reasonable comment on facebook, from him, listing the usual pleasantries one receives in a comment. I then looked at my received messages in my Honesty Box - I get very few - only to read one that said, "Haha, I popped your cherry! =P"
That insensitive bastard.
If only he knew.

After both of these contrasting comments, I'm not quite sure what the emotion I'm feeling right now is. I've never had it before. Part of me feels it's appropriate to cry, but my eyes are dry. Part of me doesn't really even care. I spent exactly 13 minutes staring at my laptop screen, not sure now whether my mind was blank or buzzing. I called Rosie and told her, she said what a friend should, whatever that is, but she understood that I just needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Her current 'we're just seeing each other' guy lives with Ben. I met Ben last week. He looks like LH, and I kissed him.
Something is slightly ashamed as well.

My brother is an addict.

2008-09-02T16:38:00.000+01:00

It doesn't help that he has a particularly addictive personality, which must be a family trait because we all seem to have our moments in this house. But, my brother smokes weed every day. I know it sounds like a mild thing but it's slowly rotting away at his mind, he's better than he used to be with the amount he actually smokes now but still, it's never gone.
He even argues that it's good. I mean, I understand the initial appeal, but after a while I can't see the point anymore. There is nothing about his life that is so bad that he needs something to take him away from a real view of reality. I think it used to be that he was just bored and his friends were doing it, then it was just habit, now and then I tend to think it might be to hide from the fact that he's failing uni every time he tries, but the weed is the reason for that anyway so it just ends up being a viscious circle.
I am in no way someone speaking from only an outsider's experience, I'm not just an observer of his ways, I used to be a participant. I did it, because he did it. For an entire year I was out of my face, practically, 24/7. This was a bad stage for me. Luckily, I stopped before it had any real effect on me, hopefully. But I don't think Dave even really remembers much about life before he started smoking weed. This thought always gets to me. Also, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he fails at education, work, his own ambitions because of his lack of motivation which is all spurred by that one thing. I just pray that one day he'll wake up and realise.

Otherwise, he'll end up with nothing but debt, dealers, and no future.

He has gotten a lot better, though.

Realisation

2008-08-27T23:24:00.000+01:00

Literally minutes after posting my last entry, I read this in gc's.

"A lot of people would much rather psycho-analyse others, at a very amateur and rudimentary psychiatric level, as a way of distracting themselves from how fucked up they are themselves. If I wanted someone’s opinion on how my mind works and what I really need from life, I’d ask them. If not, then I’d suggest they iron out the problems of their own inner workings before jumping at the opportunity to criticise mine. Let’s see how bloody much they like it."

Yeah, you're right dude, I don't like it so much.

Nothing to do

2008-08-27T22:46:00.000+01:00

I have no job.
No money.
No activity to par take in during the day.
I can't afford to go out at night.
I spend my days alone and my nights with my family, but mostly alone.

I'm slowly getting used to this being alone business. Which terrifies me.

There are three things keeping me entertained right now,
-An entire episode and season run-through of The Hills on MTV.
-Watching streamed films on my laptop that I search for based on jumping from actors, directors and writers. (This had become addictive)
-And lastly, Mahjong Titans. It used to be spider solitaire, but I got bored with the thing cos I never lost but the next difficulty level was impossible. I was stuck in a limbo, it was unpleasant.

The Hills is mind numbing but, I like it. I always have done, really, but currently, I'm addicted. But if that isn't on, I'm left to the many wonders, archives and stupid search engines of the Internet. Expanding my knowledge on film new, old, well known and rare. I now know that Melissa Joan Hart created a fifteen minute short film about a young girl sabotaging her sister's wedding because she had had an affair with the groom.
Searching for said short film led me to find a young gentleman by the name of Del, and his blog.
Another thing that's keeping me sane. Two minutes into reading said material, I suddenly realised it was in fact two hours later. I'm not even sure if or how that sentence made any sense but the point I'm trying to make is, how time flies.

I wish someone would read this and share it with the world. Unfortunately, I think I have about five readers and so, they are the only world I'll be reaching with this. A world, however, I'd be very lonely and unhappy without.

It's funny how people want others to read their blogs and yet the concept of them is technically one of privacy. You want your private thoughts to be known to complete strangers, and that's alright? Chris once told me that his blog was for no more than general witty banter, which I have to say is very well written general banter, but all the same he's right, he doesn't want to share with anyone he doesn't know. I get that, because he barely shares with me. Then you have people like Alex who go into detail with how they're feeling, what they're thinking, the works, he writes down, not to sound cliche but, his soul. He pours out almost his everything. Now, if gc had the same amount of viewers I'm sure he'd have equal amounts of readers.
Reading gc's blog makes me smile and laugh to myself, it reminds me of how talented he is, lazy but talented. To an outsider, I would imagine it would make you want to know him more. Reading Alex's blog makes you feel like you already know him, it makes me feel closer to him after having not spoken in a while, it makes me feel as though I'm a part of his life when maybe we're both a bit distant. But either way, it makes me feel.
Intellectually stimulated? Or feeling? And those are the differences.

And then you have Mhazz who's just an insane little girl that I (and everyone else) adore. Her blog is somewhere in between. Emotion with little detail. Things she's thinking but only parts.
Mhairi and the way she writes is like a painting you have to look at for a while. Something to stare at to realise that a lot of energy and time and passion was put into it, but it explains nothing. You have to make up your own side.

I just psycho-analysed my friends by the way they type. Shoot me.

By the way, if you find the reason you're reading this is because you have nothing to do, much like myself and the subject of the blog you're currently reading, go on the website tv-links and search for a film called Wristcutters. Don't let the name fool you, this film is one of the most amazing pieces of creative output I have ever seen. Which may say something about my taste in movies, but whatever, you've got nothing to do.

A change

2008-08-17T15:42:00.000+01:00

For the better.
These unexpected two weeks have been the most influencial weeks of my life so far, or so I think. I feel refreshed, although ill, happy for the most part and even though I'm still having ups and downs, the downs are less frequent.
I've finally seen the things in my life that I need to change and this time, I actually want to.
God is good.
Some of you are going to really dislike this part of me but if it's something in my life that's keeping me up and happy and alright, then I don't see why or how it could be seen as a bad thing.

On a more horrid note, NO ONE has actually seemed to care that I've been gone, geez guys don't call or text at all, that's fine. Like, that really bugs me about some of my mates, they will just stop caring about some one unless they're around all the time or unless they're the ones making the effort, otherwise they just don't really give a crap. Not everyone, just some people. But, I am here on my own, so I am saying now that I'd really appreciate it if someone gave me a ring at some point, it's a bit lonely at times. Never past 12, though, I am not at all nocturnal here, I have to be making breakfast at 6:45. Yummy...
Also, youstage moving WHAT!? Some one please ring and explain.

Love love love love love LOOOVVVEEEE

Soul Survivor

2008-08-10T11:29:00.000+01:00

I leave in a few minutes, so this is pretty dashed, my rents are just making coffee for the journey there.

I have so much stuff. Odd that if you're camping on your own you seem to take as much with you as if there were four of you. I've been bought food by my parents and I'll be few while I'm there anyway for free, so that's nice. I'll come back a few stone heavier.

Right, anyway, I'll blog when I'm there I guess, at some point anyway.

Gotta go, right now! See ya, text me if you know it =]]]]
I'll appreciate it on my own tonight :)

BYE!

IDEA!!!

2008-08-08T10:48:00.001+01:00

I know who I'm going to give my voucher card thingy to.
I know he'll appreciate it and I already owe him more than I should. He's an awesome guy and completely legend.

I'll give it to him today, oh gosh! I can't repay enough for what he's done and currently I can't repay him at all. But I will! And this is just my way of promising that I will, I'm no thief.

I wonder if he reads this or not, hmm.. Well I suppose I'll just find out =]]
Ooo, excited!

a few things.

2008-08-07T22:00:00.000+01:00

I applied for the partner programme today.
I used to be very anti it because of the availablity people had to it. They're 'screening process' is bollocks and mostly non-existant. I liked the days when you were only made partner when you truely deserved it, and those few tubers that were partners were BIG. They had worked their way up and earned it. Unless, of course, we're talking about Smosh who simply got their big break for being two hot geeks. Hm, the things girls and creepy men will do for hot geeks.
Anyway, when they introduced the partner programme I swore to myself that I wouldn't sign up until I thought I'd earned it. So, I've gotten to a point where I was in a slight stand still with my videos and I don't like that - signing up to be a partner is part of my 'be more determined' plan. I want to be more determined to make videos, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. And I want to prove that I deserve it, so, for me, it's like a self reward AND and insinctive.

I'm going to the Vlog in the Park tomorrow. About which, I am very excited. I know that this gathering, in which not many people are going to, will be completely different from the others because it's based in a completely different place, with different intentions. So, although some of the aspects will be the same, I hope lots to start a new trend of individuality for gatherings. They're becoming a bit tedious.
Am I the only one who thinks we have too many these days? I mean, I'm all for meeting up, go for it, I'd love to see everyone all the time if I could! But arranging these big events that end up lasting longer and longer is just exhausting, and I hate realising that I can't go. They're always so expensive.

Also, I get to see Alex tomorrow. MEGA YAY.
I miss that boy so much. I'm going up with Drew, check this boy out --> www.youtube.com/DREWSCRUFF

PRIZES!

2008-08-07T18:40:00.000+01:00

And let's face it, everyone loves those.
I want to do some sort of competition style thing in which I give a prize to someone. This said prize has been lying around my house since Christmas because neither me, nor my brother knew what to do with it. Well, that's a bit of a lie, we knew what to do but we just didn't.

iTunes cards with £15 credit. As I only just got an ipod and David didn't have one at all, we weren't exactly hugely up on the idea of taking up more space on our computers by downloading iTunes for absolutely no purpose. However, now I have a laptop with iTunes and an ipod, so yay! I'm going to use one of the cards.
But one of the cards I'm going to give away. Because I'm a giving sort of person. I was just going to give it to Alex because he's all loving of music and I know he'd appreciate a gift from me, but no. Competition sounded more fun, sorry Alex! Now, I just need to think of one.

Hmm... This could take a while...

When.

2008-08-06T13:21:00.000+01:00

Where is the line between someone you've met, friends, more than friends, and a relationship? And when does it become something that you're openly aware of? Most of the time, even if you're aware of a shift in status, the other person may not be. Then there's the lovely knowledge that you're both not going to discuss it.
What about having more feelings for someone than they do for you, or vice versa? Knowing you need to get out but you just can't shake them because either you're far too attached or you love the company and attention. Now, are you hurting yourself and the other person by staying close to them? Yes, probably. The worst part is you know it, so how do you equal the balance? Or, how do you let go without feeling like you've lost something?
Then, there's the lovely question of when can you become friends again after something's happened? I don't know. I never have done, because I want to think that I can be friends with everyone. So, with the other person there is little time of remorse and I simply move right back into friend status. As if nothing ever happened.
This, I've decided, is not a healthy route to go down. But, it's the only one I know. Being awkward and horrible isn't fun so keeping up appearances with smiles and nice gestures seems to be the only way I know how to handle such a situation.

I try to make other people happy. Especially when I know that I'm about to make them unhappy. Salvaging a situation, friendship and someone else's feelings, however, is a very hard thing to accomplish.

that sounds bad

2008-07-31T17:50:00.000+01:00

I read the last post back and realised that I haven't painted the best picture of what Soul Survivor is. For now it does just sound like a Christian dating festival, however that's simply a side effect of shoving that many hormones into one place. And, believe it or not, a very polite, well mannered, mild side effect that would like a relationship afterwards if we don't live too far away, please.

Soul Survivor, in it's awesome totality, is, as I said before, a Christian festival that is filled with ten thousand young people from all over the country. It lasts two weeks, in two parts. Week A and week B, however this variates on what other events are going on around the time. It was set up and founded by the Soul Survivor church in Watford, where most of the people that run and organise the festival go as their place of worship. Many of the leaders are amazing musicians and making their living that way. Travelling musicians, talkers, comedians, etc - so many people - come and help to support this event, and participate in it's running. There are two main meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Seminars are run throughout the day and a few at night. you're not required to do, or go to anything though, it is all up to you. And the amount of non-Chrisitans I have met there is unbelievable, many of them find God through just being there and being part of it all but lots don't, they simply leave knowing more about God and Christianity and often, themselves.
Various cafes, a skate park and a market place are open all day as well, and well into the evening. The cafes are all different, and all offer their own atmospheres and enviroments. The skate park is literally that, with it's own cafe/chill out area. Some of the best skaters, boarders and riders I have seen, I've seen there. The market place is simply that, offering huge amounts of music, books, clothing, posters, LOADS of stuff. There are stalls set up telling people about what charities are going on and what things you can get involved in throughout the world and within England, including out of year and student programs.
Being on team means that you're working at the event, you get free entry and fed every meal all week. You're either working in the cafes, skate park, setting up, packing down, being a steward and controlling the meetings, enabling team, and so much more visible and behind the scenes. Not only is being on team really rewarding and available to those who, like me, are financially unstable at the moment, it also gives you a different bage for the week. Now, I didn't think this would make any difference to how my week would go last year BUT I found that people found it a lot easier to chat to me without wondering if it was odd to talk to someone they didn't know. People are doing this everywhere anyway but if you're wearing a bage and usually a teeshirt that incdicates you're on team, people tend to feel that it's easier to talk. This is amazing, I can't even explain it without repeating myself several times but it is an awesome thing to find people easily interacting with you.

On the whole, Soul Survivor is life changing, whether you're a Christian or not it is a real experience. Something unexplainable and like nothing else I have ever been through.

okay, alright

2008-07-31T15:54:00.001+01:00

I'm not gone.
That didn't take too long. But I thought I'd bring to light my issues, not that I want to talk about them, just as a simple explanation for moods I may swing into. I have good and bad days, and within those days, I have good and bad moods. It doesn't take much but right now, I'm fine. Whatever, ignore it. I can't help but wanting to write when I'm not doing anything at home, read and write.

I had a realisation when exploring who I may see at Soul Survivor this year, most of my friends there are a culmination of boys scattered from different areas. This is no intentional thing, I like girls, I get on with girls, but I find myself needing to know them quite well or being initially wowed by their personality and this results in my not having very many female friends. Including the friends I make at Soul. But the friends I do make at Soul, regardless of gender tend to be ones that I stick with, get to know quite well and are always glad to see. And I get to see them every year at roughly the same time and observe how different they are to the last time we were at Soul. Some I occassionally meet up with throughout the year, which is nice because it really gives me someone outside of the church to be close with who's a Christian. Always a plus.
Ben Taylor I am particularly excited to see because this boy constantly is happy to see me, and treats me like there is no other girl in the world he'd like to give his attention to other than me. Which is lovely, plus we really connect on a level that I don't with a lot of people. Sure, we mess around and joke about but when we talk, we really do talk, mega deep conversations.

Soul Survivor is, inadvertedly, a Christian dating festival. A place to meet young Christians from all over the country - and further - and spend a week with them. This, unfortunately, is not excluding the opposite sex. Genders will mix, this is just natural. However, you stick roughly ten thousand 14-24 year olds in a giant field for a week and you're bound to get a drama or two, this generally takes the form of people pairing up.
Now, I see some of same people every year. You've got your preppy boys - a group of about six, they were a year, maybe two, older than me when I first encountered them and although it was clear they were strong Christians, girls were also an obvious hobby they couldn't ignore while at this faith enriching festival. The first year I was intrigued because they stood behind me during the first meeting of the week and did the most beautiful harmonies I had ever heard any male do. The year after that I saw them again and they vaguely remembered who I was from a brief encounter. Last year, they remembered me again, learnt my name and occassionally spoke to me. But I'm obviously not their type and so their attention was limited and girls who were size 8 and wearing topshop were much more intersting than trying to converse on even a mildly intelectual level with a girl on team who looked as though she'd just popped out of a skate clothing designed magazine. Apparently, that was me. Now, this would upset me somewhat if it weren't for having seen them flirting outrageously with every girl similar to the size 8 topshop wearing girls since I'd first met them.
Then, you have the outcasts. Now, I say this not because I consider them to be outcasts, but merely because that's what they are. Sadly, for people who don't fit in with the generic 'normal' persons that populate the earth, this does not change even in a place where you're supposed to accept all. And so, this group of eccentric, interesting, incredibly friendly and bright young adults get avoided like nobodies business. Consequently, if you show any interest amongst the boys of this group (and in some cases the girls) you get A LOT of attention back. They're people I get along with well, along with everyone else. Being on team last year meant I could discourage others from being impolite to these individuals, and conversation was made between people who would never even consider it.
The more recent group of people I've discovered are the ones that come back each year dressed in a new kind of fad. But bless them, they were the young ones when I no longer was, and society seems to affect their sense of fashion and everything 'cool' about them. They mix with themselves, each year bringing new people into their group that fit their criteria, but they're a nice bunch of boys and girls that liked me for some unexplainable reason. One little one, adored by all - including me - has a new summer romance each year, leaving her permenantly attached to whoever is overcome by her immense cuteness. She's the heart throb of their little pack.
Many more different stereotypes come into this but I'm sure you can imagine it all. Everyone's very accepting of everyone else, with some few exceptions. But, otherwise, Soul Survivor has it's own The OC-esque drama going on, as if it were a school or an episode of The Hills.

None the less, I can not wait to see the people I miss. Get back into God, as I said last year as well. Enjoy the general awesomeness that everyone should experience of such an amazing place, it is something truely fantastic. I leave on the 10th.

And then Sinead is coming to see me on the 18th, so that's nice too.

Side note

2008-07-29T02:33:00.000+01:00

I never sleep well anymore.

I either wake up constantly, can't sleep at all or have really strange dreams that leave me feeling exhausted. I researched some stuff on recent behavior including these dreams, I didn't like what I found.

Done.

It's not goodbye.

2008-07-29T02:02:00.001+01:00

This may not actually happen, but I think I'm going to take a break for a while, from everything and everyone. For a long time I've been feeling... Well, I can't really describe what I'm feeling. But I feel as though suddenly my hard drive of a world is crashing and I can't really handle all of it.
The only way I can possibly explain it is by saying that I'm action packed with issues. These said issues have been brought to the surface more recently and it's really affecting how I am with myself, other people and in social settings. My mind is full of thoughts all the time, most of them pessimistic and I can't see how I'm ever going to find answers to any of the questions constantly battling in my head, mostly because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them.
I know there are so many people who would sit and listen and be patient with me, not even to give advice or judge but just to listen but for once in my life, I'm struggling to find the words. So, I've decided to look into therapy, counselling, some one to talk to who might be able to figure out what I feel and why.

I went out tonight to the Reg and Route. Had an argument with one of my best friend's, Neil, on the phone, wanted to leave then but didn't. Got to Route, wanted to leave then because it was boring but didn't. Two people that I did not want to see in the same situation were both there, which was painfully awkward and after having one give me serious words I had a panic attack followed by me coming home. He'll probably read this now, and want something of an explanation as to who the other person was, but it's complicated.
The weird thing is that when I was in Route, I stood on my own, I wanted to break down and I couldn't figure out why. There, in that place that I love, were loads of my mates, some of the greatest people I know, packed full of people to meet, with awesome music and I stood on my own and watched it all. I felt this huge urge to talk to some one I love, some one who just kinda gets me even thought they don't know what to say to some of the things I have to say, and out of a few people who I adore that were there, the only person I wanted was some crazy ginger Scottish twat. I didn't even want to talk to you, I just wanted you to be there, or just with you anywhere. I can't explain it, I won't even try to.

Anyway, my phone's dying a slow and painful death. So, I'm going to be a bit cut off for a bit. I'll lurk on the side lines but for now, I'm gone.

Viewers

2008-07-28T01:19:00.000+01:00

I realised a while ago that I really don't know who reads my blog; I, at first, was under the impression that no one did. I find myself fascinating because I'm an arrogant self-absorbed bitch, but I didn't anyone else shared this sentiment. That actually just translates into, I needed somewhere to write some crap when I got bored and I didn't think anyone else thought anything I had to say was in the slightest bit interesting. Even in person, it's a boarder.
However, this thought came up again when I was thinking about which encounter from my inserts to write about first. I've thought of many I could put in for the first time read, some who may read this, some who may not. I have a friend who made subtle hints for about three hours that he read my blog, something that he clearly found hilarious - the welsh are odd. I could write about him, but I can't see that as fair, I want the stories to have some amount of animosity.
I still don't have one to put up, yet, though. Nothing feels worthy enough to share.
I'll get there, the inner workings of my mind will be revealed a little more. But, hopefully, not loads. I can't have people finding out what a sexual pervert I am, that and I'm actually a complete and utter idiot. Ah, most of you probably knew that anyway.

OH! And I quit my job. I lost a few things this week, it's been... eventful.

I just don't get asked

2008-07-24T11:19:00.000+01:00

Ever felt like you can get left out of your circles of friends?
And then you see pictures, hear stories and then they wack out the hilarious videos that you don't care about because they left you out of all of it.
You're immediate reaction is - what wanks.
But it shouldn't be, not really.

I don't know how I got to this point but I cannot seem to find a nice medium between my offline friends and my online friends. As soon as my offline life starts going well, that's when things fuck up elsewhere and I don't know what to do.
I mis everyone so much. I'm like the missing queen of youtube, but this time I'm not crying, I'm not upset in the same way; I'm resentful. Why wasn't I invited to things? Why don't I know all these people really well? Why don't people come visit me?

How selfish can I be? I know... But I can't help it. I feel like I'm being completely outcasted from the group that I only just became a part of.

bollocksbollocksbollocks.

The youtube lot are like 'true friend' stylie, so why do I feel so left out? I really hate looking at pictures or blogs about when a group of them met up or something because not only am I not in those ones, but I'm not even in the pictures of the meet ups that I do go to. I don't get it.
I don't like me right now (PLEASE, COULD I POSSIBLY SOUND ANYMORE PATHETIC!?) and I hate the way things are happening around me. I need to sort it out.

Oh, and I'm quitting my job.
In the next couple of days.

my apologies

2008-07-23T22:10:00.000+01:00

I'm not actually that angry.
And so I apologise for alerting people to my anger/upsetness. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Of course, in a world when fine is in fact not fine at all and I'm killing myself trying to come across as okay. The phrases "I'm fine" and "I'll be alright" have been used in copious amounts in the past five days. Anyway, don't ask, I don't want to talk about it. I'm fine, I'll be alright and the only people I really want to discuss anything on any matters of me not being fine is gc and sin.

I'm going to start doing inserts of a new theme. On a subject I discussed with Alex; throughout this series of short stories, if you will, some may be true, some may not. Either way, comments can be freely made, but I will not be made to feel ashamed of anything I write, whether it's the truth or not there will be some truth in it and my mistakes that I include have been made and made me who I am today. I am stronger because of what I've done, good or bad.

The Secret Confessions of a.... We'll decide at a later date shall we?

right, well

2008-07-21T13:46:00.000+01:00

I hate everyone, pretty much.
There's really specific things that can piss me off really quickly, otherwise I'd say I'm quite a cheery person and not easily annoyed but in this situation I'm just fucked off and want to kick some one in the eye!

What a fucking dicky wank stain fuck shit face douche bag.

I hope you fall on your face.
Generally, I don't, but right now I really really do.

FUCK.

Rule of thumb

2008-07-20T08:53:00.000+01:00

I know that there's supposed rule that whoever your manager is, you will probably feel some amount of hate for them due to the fact that they're your manager and that means they get to be as dicky to you as they like and you have to put up with it.
Thing is, my manager, on the whole is alright. Well, no, certain aspects of him are alright. He's funny, entertaining, easy going but strict - but fair. SOMETIMES.
With me, he's like that part of the time and then, occassionally, decides to turn into crazy ass really stupidly bad manager - I could sue you, you bastard -crazy abusive person.
I'm all for discipline, go for it. And in his mind this means he'll yell for a little bit and then get over it. BUT when you start yelling and lecturing and telling me that, "At 18 you know nothing, and in the grand scheme of life and everything YOU ARE nothing" that's when it crosses the line over into abusive, harsh, and just a bit too much. Especially when he's going to go around saying things like that to me in front of other people at work, including customers.

All this because it was my last half hour of work, a couple came in, the front of the restuarant was empty and I, on autopilot by this time and not really thinking about it, sat them there. While doing so I suddenly thought about the fact that I had a completely empty section and that it was really stupid of me to put them there. Oh, but it was too late! I turned round to support manager, who's section it was, and my lovely boss man looking at me as though I was a complete idiot. This was then followed with questioning of why I did such a stupid thing, how could I possibly be so lazy, and then followed up with several different variations on the basic comment of "you're a liar" after I told him I didn't do it intentionally thinking that I would end up not having to take the table. I even said I would take them now and that it was a genuine mistake, but, no, it was too late. I was now in a web of "I hate blaggers" and "you're pathetic and lazy", along with a lovely helping of "I'm going to get rid of you".

Love, please do so! You're a dick and I've been wanting to leave for a LONG time. The only reason I stay is because it's convinient and would give me an easy job to take up to uni with me.

So, upon leaving - which was a God send - Support Manager comes on out into the car park, stomps over to the car that I'm in and says in a very chavy *you startin'!?* kinda way, "Have you got something to say to me Anna!? Right, if you're going to call me a bitch you might want to make sure I'm not in the next room!" And then stomped promptly away and back into the restuarant again. Oh dear. And this, people, is all down to stupid people that I work with. Another girl who's employed there having the exact same name as said support manager, I mentioned this particular girl in conversation before leaving and merely said that I thought she was a bitch to me, didn't like me and was generally horrible to me. Which she is.

I HATE EVERYONE.

let the crazy out

2008-07-18T00:29:00.000+01:00

Once I bit my mate and he got really angry and started yelling at me and telling me I was a freak and really weird and I was just laughing at him being angry and then I just started crying half way through the laughing.

There were about four other people there, embarrassing. But, mainly just

CRAZY....

oh, right

2008-07-17T17:00:00.000+01:00

Well, I just found a mind expandingly awesome way to get over my "I am actually a girl with hormones, sometimes I act like it, so I'm going to freak out about something because that's how I FEEL" moment.

No, I do not mean mind expanding drugs, but instead a unhealthy dollop of pretentious twat barking literary wank. Which should be written more regularly, it has more truth than the author realises, and generally excells in the realm of decent material to read on the internet. Which, as a generalised rule, is non-existant. The internet? Seriously, porn and whiney annoying slags.
Now, you don't have to understand what that means, but if you do then you'd either find it hilarious because it's somewhat true and I'm bitch OR you're merely one person in particular and so you're probably offended but mostly likely slightly impressed at my nonsensical ramblings, also. Not to mention, you always like a bit of a attention(especially in my blog).

Not only did that make very little sense, it also just goes to show that girls are fun. Within the same day we can write a blog consisting of sliding opposite moods.

Eventually

2008-07-17T16:43:00.000+01:00

As soon as I got back I was thrusted into going out every night and seeing people constantly.
I'm very tired.

But, in result, there will be no long winded story of my egypt travels. Unless I type out what I wrote down.

I've realised something; I'm terrified of change. Not with things around me, mostly, but with my own thoughts and feelings about things. I keep telling myself things in my head and then tell myself to stop thinking because if I was confident I wouldn't think about it at all, not in this way anyway.
I'm scared that things will be different, I'm scared of holding on but I'm scared of the loss if I let go. I need reassurance, I'm losing touch. I'm trying so hard to be positive and I'm totally excited but, still, I'm scared. I don't want it to be different than before, I like it the way things are now.

I'm just so fucking scared.

I'm not used to this, this normal thing that everyone's done or is doing and I never have. I feel like a little girl.

Back from Egypt

2008-07-11T05:39:00.000+01:00

I learnt a while back that a lot can happen in a couple of days when I went away for a weekend and was shocked at all the drama that took place while I was gone.

Ten days I piss off for...

Everything's fucking fallen apart, huh?
Some one needs to bloody well explain to me what the fuck went wrong. This is why you don't get too close in groups of people like this, things mess up. And they get easier to mess up, the closer you get. But I guess that's life.

Seriously though, ten fucking days.

odd song lyrics

2008-06-28T23:51:00.000+01:00

"'Cause big girls don't cry..."

Yes, they do. We really fucking do.

rediscovered

2008-06-26T15:30:00.000+01:00

Amy Studt.

She's a bit awesome.

Epiphany.

2008-06-25T23:43:00.000+01:00

It is in my friend Housie's opinion that "hot girls...fact.... are ALWAYS taken"

My response to this was "It's the hot girls that you think are nice as well that are always taken, the one's you think are funny and clever and interesting."
But ever thought that maybe it's not the case at all, that actually the one's you just think are hot are actually interesting and funny and clever and perfect for you BUT you'll never know, because there's a completely different frame of mind for both of you if you're both single.

This got us onto the discussion of why you're more attracted to those people who always turn out to be taken, because it's not a physcological thing of, only liking them more after you've realised, you really like them - concious decision - and then the blow of them being in a relationship pops up. BUT they're always so nice that you want to be around them anyway.

This really got me thinking about why. I came to this conclusion.
When you're single, there is more pressure to impress. You subconciously, or conciously, hide certain features of your life, personality, etc in a way that you think improves yourself on a first impression basis. With a first encounter with an attractive male, I used to not mention right off the back that I am a huge youtube geek and enjoy posting videos on the internet, chatting to people I've met on the internet and arranging to meet up with said people, that I met on the internet. It doesn't exactly ooze cool, or that I - to the ignorant attractive person i'm likely to meet out one night - consider my safety in a huge way.
However, and this is where you think about how unintentionally fake everyone is, since I've been with Chris I've had no inclination to hide anything about who I am. In conversation with new guys I've suddenly realised how much more open and comfortable I am and I've had a lot more attention too. Whether these two are connected, I'm not entirely sure BUT if my theory on how much you give away about yourself depending on your relationship status is correct, I imagine it probably is.

This, people, is why the taken characters we meet are so much more desireable. If you're in a happy, committed relationship you have nothing to lose, if I chat to some one and they decide that they don't like me then fuck 'em, that's fine - I've not lost or gained anything from them thinking that I'm not someone they'd like to get to know because I've got my friends, sure I'd love to make more, but the one's I've got are perfectly dandy, and I've got Chris and I am by no means looking or wanting for anyone else but him.

Me and Housie have never had such an in-depth conversation.

That's all, really.

stare.

2008-06-25T23:20:00.000+01:00

Now, I live near this city called Chichester. It's got two very well known theatres in it, one more than the other. This evening my mother, father and myself went to the more prestigeous theatre to see The Music Man.
Right, let me explain that one of the main reasons this theatre is so well known is because so many famous people have performed there and, in this theatre and city, many famous people have been spotted to be there. So, my mum, first thing, goes "Ooo, look! It's *insert name here*!" I was only vaguely aware of who the person was; famous actress, ice skater, etc. I'm just a little ignorant, apparently. Anyway, you'd have thought that this woman would have attracted lots of attention. Oh, no! Not really.
I, on the other hand, being somewhat of an amazon woman AND wearing heels - they're only small but they make me look very slim and... nice - managed to attract the attention of every man who walked past me, of every age - most of them being pensioners, GET IN!
And generally was oggled at with most curious people, I can imagine their thought process now...

"FUCK, SHE'S TALL. BLOODY HELL, SHE'S TALLER THAN ME, AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE WITH HER!! EVEN THE MAN! ARE THOSE HER PARENTS?? CHRIST."

Now, if you imagine that voice being said very loudly in a rather cockney accent, that's how I expect all posh pretencious toffs sound like in their inner monologue. Ah, being a snob is fun.

So, yes. I attract more attention in large crowds than famous people you will never see again, due to my extreme height. Laugh it up.

Anticipation

2008-06-24T16:12:00.000+01:00

I go on holiday to Egypt in about five days. The prospect is terrifying...
I don't even know why, it's holiday; so why am I sort of dreading it? I hate the thought that this, what would normally be, enjoyable situation makes me feel horrible and like it's just a way of killing time before I get to do other stuff this summer. GHEY.

Went to Reg and Route last night with some mates. Was a really good night, Rosie had to leave though, so that sucked. But in Reg before Route I felt weird; going out is now something that is totally normal now. Something that I considered normal but only did occassionally, I now do all the time and it really does give me a very strange feeling; especially when I noticed that I didn't have butterflies of excitement anymore. It's still nice to go out, and I'm sure specific occassions I will get that feeling but still...
But I totally wouldn't mind doing Route regularly because it's full of my friends, cheap alocohol, I've met amazing people and I LOVE DANCING. With Rosie I'll dance to anything but by myself (yeah, shut up) or mainly with the guys I turn into another person; dancing to really heavy stuff that I love. I become one of the guys, which I am anyway, but more so. They get a little conflicted... -one of the guys... but girl dancing!? Confused!!!- Bless them.

I FUCKING MISS PEOPLE. And it's driving me insane.
And they always come up in conversations I have with people. For example, last night, talking about how to define attractive boys and who we knew who was 'classically good looking' and Rosie brought up our mate Charlie who was merely eye candy for a year until I decided I was going to actually talk to him; really nice guy, little arrogant (understatement), and looks a tad like David Tennent. NO! I'm sorry, but I HAD to insist that Liam is overwhelmingly better looking and looks more like David Tennent than Charlie. AND HE'S SCOTTISH! [obsession is slightly worrying] Also, Charlie is WAY to skinny.

EWWW!

Ah, I love you all who I don't get to see these days. You all appreciate me so much more than most of the people I get to see every day.

Anna

Touched

2008-06-23T14:04:00.000+01:00

I just finished watching Kidulthood.
My face is still wet.

Through two days in their lives when every action became crucial to the next step that was taken. This film is defined by 'every action has a reaction'. And people upset are rarely forgiving.

The last two minutes were epic, it was like I was actually there. You know how some films just seem to not really work, you don't really believe them, 'cause they completely fail to emotionally grab you and you haven't connected with the characters? Even the minor ones, I still felt for them.
I really can't explain everything about it, I just feel as though I've been dropped in the situation briefly and then pulled right back out again.

Anna

The List

2008-06-22T20:16:00.000+01:00

Things to do during the summer:
- buy at least five new cds
- get another tattoo
- fill up my ipod with songs (just bought - get it in a couple of days)
- go somewhere on my own
- have an amazing time in egypt with jem
- go to liquid for the first time
- see Chris and Sinead and EVERYONE at least twice
- go to the upstaged supermegaawesomereally HUGE youtube gathering
- try and find an acting job
- have/go to a beach party
- go to Sin City with Rosie
- make ammends with Brandon and regain our friendship
- come back to God
- apply for SG and then look into it further if accepted
- stare at the stars with someone
- try and go to soul survivor so as to not break my tradition
- try and decide vaguely on a uni without just the want of being closer to Scotland

I may add more, but that's the list so far.
I want to get some things done this summer and these are them.

Anna

word vomit.

2008-06-22T04:44:00.000+01:00

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and in every way possible exhausted.
And yet, it's quarter to five in the morning as I write this and I can't find the determination to sleep. I literally feel as though if I tried to sleep, despite my exhaustion, I wouldn't be able to.

I read Alex's blog. It made me think about a lot of things.
ONE, I have a very big mouth and, for some reason, enjoy the thrill of embarrassing others by sharing something they said to only me in front of other people.
Or, perhaps this is just Alex. He told me my best guy friend was hot. Like really hot, and he meant it. But we both agreed that a lot of the people we know, internet and not, are some of the most beautiful people because they're normal. Not conventional, as such, just the kind of person you'd meet down your road, a friend you've had forever and never noticed, someone you met in the park some random summer evening. Beautiful.

Neil is like this. Neil is the epitimy of this, he is my boy next door - living literally round the corner from me. We argue, he's inconsiderate, I'm rather rude to him, we're there for each other always, he hates that despite his - perhaps - higher inteligence I can still out smart him with mere wit. Everything I hate about him, I love, and vice versa. The worst thing of all? I know that whether I showed up on his door step in ten minutes or ten years, he'd still hug me, he'd still look at me the way he always does, and he would still want to kiss me. Yeah, there was a two year period where our friendship was not this complicated.

I think he see's me as even more desireable now, compared to before. Because now, whatever my past and previous 'chosen lifestyle' - as he so delicately put it - I've got Chris. I'm completely committed to someone who's 600 odd miles away from me and he the only guy who fills my thoughts, I have no urge for anyone else.
Speaking of my lovely past, today at work we somehow got into a conversation about how many people we'd slept with. Now, this used to be something I'd boast about, when the number was lower. I am not, in any way, proud of how I used to be. I was a bit of a slut in my own right, but did it with such subtlety after a while that no one noticed, that started off as something I did because I realised they were private things. Then, it was out of shame. I became so ashamed of the way I lived that I stopped telling my best friends when I had sex. Now, I don't know if you've ever been a teenage girl before but, this is something you tell in detail to your close friends and giggle and compare and... I stopped doing it.
Thing is, on being told that I had, not proudly, slept with more people than the girl who engaged the conversation, she turned around and said, "How could YOU have slept with more people than ME?"
Wow.
I think she kind of gave herself the answer through her question.

But this got me thinking, I didn't used to be a very nice girl. And then something happened. I'm not even sure what, it wasn't a defining moment, it wasn't a particular experience, I just suddenly sat there listening to Rosie talk about her sex life and the many boys she juggles - bless her - and I suddenly burst out, "Rosie, I don't remember who with or when the last time I had sex was!" I realise this sounds like a terrible statement, but it meant I had stopped thinking about it, I wasn't interested, I wasn't keeping count anymore - only a bastard keeps count. Anyway, soon after that it became kind of horrible to sit there and listen to people talk about sex. Not only did I have no interest, in even the topic, I had no desire to hear about it, talk about it, or even think about it. The mere idea made me cringe. Then... then it became a few months and now it's been 6. And I still have very little desire to have sex. Well... weird topic right now.

My friend Jem has serious issues with people, letting them in, trusting them, etc. Her current view on relationships is secretly, and only to me, very bleak. Which is apalling because she has a boyfriend who loves her very much and she loves him too.
On friday she told me the news that a couple we knew from her local had split up. Two years, living together and engaged, and it just ended, just like that. I was genuinely shocked, neither of us saw that one coming. Jem's view on this was that you never knew when something's going to end, when some one's going to one day stop loving you or when things might change.
I was absolutely, I think disgusted is the right emotion, at actually maintaining those thoughts about relationships. It's like going into one and thinking that it's not going to last - what the fuck is the point??
It made me a little scared that it is just easy for people to stop feeling the same way, emotions can change. But, relationships are also about trust and commitment, especially one with the amount of distance me and Chris have. I wouldn't have kept this up with him for this long if I didn't want it to last, or if I wasn't serious about it and I know he wouldn't either. I just can't imagine how somone could have those pessimistic views on life, love and people and be happy; you wouldn't be. And that's sad.

MARATHON BLOG! Major thought, my bad.
This took me half an hour to write. Crumbs.

Anna

Untitled

2008-06-20T02:03:00.000+01:00

Alex pointed out to me that four hours after I posted my 'Sell Out?' entry, claiming that for the next three posts I would put up a photo as well, I did not follow through with my plans. Even more annyoing thing was that when he began pointing this out to me, he expected me to catch on to what he was getting at. Nope. No clue, never say you're going to do stuff basically - ya don't. If you're me that is. Or a youtuber - either way, you're going to lose. At what? Well, I'm not sure. And now I'm just rambling, but I do rather enjoy a good ramble.
It was Ben's birthday today. Well, I got a lovely phone call during my napping - absolutely exhausted - from Mhairi's phone. Girl on the other end who sounded not much like Mhairi and sniggering in the background. Not only do I not find stuff like that REALLY imature, I also do not see the point or comedic value in it. So when I answered rather dead pan - just got woken up - and then Laura goes, no it's not really Mhairi! They all burst out laughing like it was the most hilarious thing ever, I bet it was Tom's idea. I was like, 'Oh, really?? Couldn't have guessed!'
Seriously, piss off, grow up, stop being such fucking children. Oh, and thanks for reminding me further that I'm not up there where I'd love to be. Yeah, that was a nice little reminder. I hated the fact already that Chris said he was going out with everyone and I felt a weird senstation of *why wasn't I going as well?* This is, obvsiously, a very stupid question but I can't really explain it any more.
THEN they asked for Ben's number. Now, this is all good and well if I knew they were friend's with him, but I don't. As far as I know, he's an aqquaintence that they know off the internet, and it's just a little weird asking for someone's number when I still find it somewhat strange that even I have it. Plus, Ben - for the most part - keeps himself to himself. So, when I objected, saying I didn't want to just randomly give out his number they didn't seem too impressed. Once again, piss off, especially if that's the only reason you're ringing me - not at all cause you'd like to talk to me. Nice.
I did actually text him earlier asking if Mhazz could have it, but only just remembered that I forgot to send it on to her, oh well - she'll survive.

SOOOO unprepared for exam, absolutely shitting myself. Sinead rang, which was lovely. And then Chris rang, and I was all tears and throat closing up, woe is me. But seriously, I will probably fail. Which is lovely.
He did calm me down though, nice little pep talk. I miss him so much... Sinead said should I fail, I can just come live up there, which made me smile a bit.
Anyway, I need to sleep and before that I need to read a play.

Anna

Sorry, what?

2008-06-18T11:51:00.000+01:00

Now, I'll be honest. I couldn't give two shits about Amy Winehouse. And normally if somewhere brings her up in conversation I'd be like, oh yeah she's pretty good, bit of a mess but whatever. Because...? I don't care.

BUT when you take a perfectly amazing song by the legendary Michael Jackson (kiddy-fiddler or not, he was amazing), Beat It, and sound like you're gargling something horrible along to a song that you don't know the words to, sounding and looking as if you're on some sort of drug induced fit or surreal experience that noone else can see, you should be shot.

Every word and note sung by that woman in that LIVE performance was painful to my precious, and apparently snob-like, ear drums. She officially destroyed it. And Charlotte Church didn't do much for it either; the girl can see but she's wooden. All in all, I really do think some one should cut out her vocal chords, because after that disgusting display of them I don't think she should be allowed to TALK ever again, let alone sing.

EDIT: You know that episode of South Park when Britney Spears shoots her face off? But manages to stay alive. Yeah, it's like that!

Take a look for yourself:

lulz

2008-06-18T00:35:00.001+01:00

There was this kid I went to school with called Dave and he's black; he was my mate back in the day but not so much anymore. I'm not so sure what he's like now but, back then, he was very reactive to anything that could've been in the slightest bit racist, but most of the time not in a serious way - he'd deliberately pick up on EVERYTHING and anything you said to catch you off gaurd and make you feel a little uncomfortable. People who didn't know him, that was always hilarious!

So, one day I'm with him and couple more mates and I turn to him with my packet of sweets and say, "Minstrel?"
He went to take one and then just looked up. Needless to say, that moment was so good I could've had sex with it.

Jimmy, Alex and Nick are the influences of this blog. Bit of a theme tonight.

Anna

Procrastination

2008-06-17T23:47:00.000+01:00

I think I'm going to be up for a long time because I've still got to finish three assignments, THREE!
I'm well procrastinating, by listening to VLR and leaving voice comments to be in it.
In one of the episodes he talks about people who asked to be on it, and I asked to be on it, so I wonder if I'm one of them or he just discounted me cos I'm not that interesting =[
That's bollocks, conversations with me are amazing. Well, conversations between me and Alex are pretty funny anyway =DD

He's coming to see me tomorrow, which is wicked, I'm well excited. I've got to pick him up at like 3:30 from my train station so, that should be interesting.
And my gig is tomorrow too, I really need to learn my songs. Oh gosh WHY IS THE INTERNET SO ADDICTIVE!?

Anna

Sell Out?

2008-06-17T20:28:00.000+01:00

I didn't think so, but I was told I was.

This is simply going up because it was the first photo I took on my laptop after actually finding out how to use the webcam - because I'm a wee bit slow. AND because I decided my blog was a bit bare of photos. So, for the next three, I'm going to put photos in them.

FUCKING YEAH!

VLR = SEX

2008-06-17T19:23:00.000+01:00

I'm currently listening to the first episode in the second series of Vaguely Live Radio.
Starring one of my amazing friends Alex, and possibly the sexiest man ever - Jimmy. Which is nerimon and jimmy0010, but you should know that already.

They mentioned the new law about drinking on the subway, which Alex spoke about with complete confusion and apparent ignorance to it, which I thought was very silly because the law came into practice the day after the gathering, both gatherings in fact because some one who was at the one in London was telling us about the crazy antics going on in the underground while there. And this disscussion only came up because we were talking about how pathetically rubbish the London gathering was going to be in comparison to the Glasgow one on that same day, as Alex was there at the time, I found it a little strange that he doesn't remember this disscussion. It made me want to interrupt their conversation mid-flow and remind him of this conversation which took place in Mhairi's bedroom. I did actually start talking and then realised that not only could he NOT hear me but I was talking to my laptop in an empty room.

Anna

FUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!

2008-06-14T23:40:00.000+01:00

"You chose to be in a long distance relationship, so if you're going to be in one, then be in one."

That may possibly be the most stupid thing that has ever parted from my mother's lips. I'm finally happy, and she's cynical and rude and harsh and doesn't want me seeing the thing that is making me this happy.

Fuck. Off.

OH!

2008-06-13T14:07:00.000+01:00

My mother just presented me with three new prospectus' for universities to look about at. All of them speficially related to an acting type big thing.... Yeah, I'm terrible at explaining this.
Basically, they're all connected through the same kind of program. The three of them were Glasgow, Cardiff and London - East 15.

So, it's really giving me a lot of options. I told my most favourite boy ever - hmm - Neil that I was thinking about and looking at Cardiff and he was like, "Oh, don't come here because I go here!"
PFFT!!? If I was going to go anywhere because of anyone right now it would be Glasgow for Sinead and Chris, self-centered prick. Thinks my world revolves around him, I don't think he honestly realises that apart from last week, I haven't even bothered for AGES with him because I know it's pointless. Git. Really pisses me off some times.

I'm gunna eat some fish food ice cream, yummmm!
Also, if anyone has any advice for uni's it's very welcome =]

Anna

free laptop?

2008-06-13T14:00:00.000+01:00

I forgot to mention, yesterday me and two of my friends went into town to get some food in our break. We were walking down the high street and suddenly had a guy, standing outside some phone shop, asking us about getting a new contract, we carried on walking and he yells after us, 'Free laptop!?', and we were like, yeah right mate! Then had some one walk up and give us all a free loaf of bread. Our response to this free item was more along the lines of 'WTF!? Free bread?? That's awesome!'
Yes, we did realise how wrong the situation was.
It was weird though, huge lorry full of loaves of Hovis, about 20 people standing around in Hovis teeshirts, chucking bread at people - no, not literally - and two guys in big suits... bread suits. Need I say more?

Weird...

small amount

2008-06-12T13:02:00.000+01:00

I decided I don't have enough videos.
Which really distressed me. So, tonight I'm going to super explore how to work the camera on my new laptop, because currently I'm completely lost.
I also decided, when in the car with my mates and listening to Muse, that either on sunday - or as soon as I can - I'm going to get on the train and go to either Southampton or Bournemouth, somewhere where I don't really know my way around. I'm then going to take my birthday money and buy myself a new mp3 player, a big pair of head phones - because I'm cool - and a cd that I wouldn't normally buy from a band that I don't know or not know that well after being advised by someone in the store that they're good. Customer or worker. I want someone completely rnaomd to influence my music taste and have an impact on what I'm listening to right now. Bit like how Karl did.
Me and him are hanging out next friday, I'll need to remind him so he doesn't bail on me. It'll be good, finish my last exam and then hang out with a guy who totally gets me without even trying - he rekindled my love for John Mayer.

I ALSO realised how much I missed Sinead the other day when Rosie said that she wasn't going to be able to come out for the whole night on monday. I bribed her in the end but, still, she's my Mhairi. And it made me miss Sinead so much. And everyone up there. And everyone everywhere. Permenant reminder on my wrist that they're around.

We have Zelda on wii. Good Lord I AM EXCITED!

And it's my brother's birthday today. I do love him lots. I've missed him when he's at uni, glad he's back.

Anna

nothing comes from nothing

2008-06-11T10:34:00.000+01:00

One of the first lines from King Lear, spoken by him when he asks what his third daughter Cordelia has to say or give to show her love for him and she simply tells him, 'nothing'.
Not because she doesn't love him, just because she doesn't feel she needs to show it through big words and materialistic shallowness, and her other two sisters do merely because they wish to inherit. The King should have looked at which he loved the most and it would have definitelycould've avoided going insane, almost losing the throne, having his friend's eyes cut out, having all his daughters die. Fun times in Shakespeare. But what a poet he was - for a dead white guy.
Why all the Shakespeare tragedy talk?
I have an exam next week, this stuff is kinda on the brain 24/7. Along with every aspect of how I would do a production of The Beggars Opera. Seriously, ask me anything about how I would put it on and I could probably tell you.

I've got to leave for college in about ten minutes. I'm still in bed. It's fine, I'll finish this off and then get ready super mega wicked awesome quick. OH! So, I finished Hex, bloody disappointment. For such a good series you'd think they'd give it a better 'are we ending this are we not?' Well, yes, you are ya dickheads but you could've left it a little more resolved. Maybe a two hour episode for the last one. After all, it is the last one you ever did. Wankers.
Then yesterday I watched all the episodes of Secret Diary of a Call girl. Very good, Billie Piper, she turned out alright, Doctor Who did wonders for her standing; now everyone loves her. So, I finished that, now I want something else, something that really grabs me. Preferably something that's a little sci-fi, or just weird. Hmm.

OH OH OH! HAVEN'T LOST MY JOB!! This is amazing news. Cassie phoned up this morning and told me that I can be rotared afterwards and all shall be fine. I suspect that this is because they're training up three new girls and still need me if they can hang on to me. Then I mentioned that I had wanted to have off the week before my holiday as well (Chris drunkenly telling me to come see him, we decided then would be good, ugh. Probably won't even happen) "But if that's not okay then don't worry about it."
"I'll see what I can do and if I can avoid giving you hours then I will."

YAY! Right, college. Fun.

Anna

"I'm never drinking that much again..."

2008-06-10T16:02:00.000+01:00

Nah, I didn't say that. And, no, I probably wouldn't do that. And, lastly, no, I didn't drink THAT much. A lot; enough to make me post a stupid, stupid post that makes me sound like a moron. Ugh, I am not that cutesy, not publicly, not with Chris - we're adorable in private and some times unintentionally around others. But most of the time just abusive, it's a caring and understanding relationship. Heh.

My apologies for that though, I'm actually disgusted with myself because despite having drunk far too much because a drink was being constantly shoved in my hand, I was actually shockingly reserved for me. Drunk me actually isn't very different to sober me, except I'm a lot more openly loving. And a lot more blunt. And a lot more likely to kiss Rosie. Goodness, it's only just come back to me....

Right, so pretty much everyone who said they would come along to my birthday outing did not. Two who asked last minute came along, which was lovely because they're awesome. My uncle, cousin, Rosie, Tom who I only asked a couple of days ago, Jemma who left at 9 cos she felt ill and... Rosie's work mate and his mate. So, weird little mixture, and not what I expected as loads of people said they'd come along, had a good night none the less. When we got to Route though it was dead, so we went straight out for a cigarette and who did I see maning the outside smoking area but Jesse! My ex is so lovely. For the first time I ever he said some very rude things to me and around other people, the cheek of him! But he seems to be doing well and I'm glad I saw him again, I've missed the dude. He told me he had wanted to do my first tattoo but I told him he could do my next one and he said I've always got a place to stay should I be in London. Gotta love that man.

I finished watching Hex. WTF!!!!?????

Also, side note, stopped smoking unless drinking. I'm doing well because unless I'm drinking, I have absolutely no desire to smoke whatsoever. It's a very nice feeling.

Anna

Route 66

2008-06-10T03:35:00.000+01:00

A very nice club down my way.

Awesome night =]] yay yay yay.

I'm very drunk, and very much in like of Chris. I need him!!!

bzzzzzz

2008-06-09T03:21:00.001+01:00

There's lots of flies in my room.

I'm not liking it that much, I'll be honest.
I'm three episodes away from finishing watching the entire two seasons of Hex. Good lord, every episode is an hour long - I'm dying!
And now I'm not tso where were you on monday huhired, so I'm talking to Chris. And this guy called Mike from Canada who I've spoken to for six or more years, we're discussing pangea and the option of reformation =]

Gotta love that.

Anna