Blah Blah Blah

To every guy out there who has ever tried chatting up a girl who's a bit different (but, probably still far far out of your league), attempting your smooth talking skills, and most likely taking the piss at the same time... PLEASE! Listen to the song 'Blah Blah Blah' by Ke$ha, absorb it's message, and then never ever pro-create.
Or talk to any girls who are a bit different every again.

If it were me, I'd just laugh at you and walk away.

I haven't done the God thing in a while.
What a vague sentence.

Jesus Christ by Brand New pretty much sums up exactly how I feel about it though. Aren't I original? Using someone elses words to describe my emotions. I should be given a freakin' medal or something.

Let's talk about stress, baby.

Hello world, recently I have experienced an incredibly high levels of stress and I can't help but wonder that my life is SO much more interesting than the the lives of most reality tv stars. Film my life, document my emotions. Show the world how they can relate to my pain, my joy, my tears, my laughter, my absolutely and utter despair over the biggest and smallest things. Because there lies the difference, people can relate to me because I AM people. Reality tv stars like those that appear on The Hills are NOT relatable. We sit down and watch their lives and wish ours were just a little bit similar; the money, not the "drama" filled day to day unrealistic success, as much as I'd love that I can imagine it would be somewhat unfulfilled.

I, Anna Hunt, hereby give someone the permission to ask me if they could film my life, which is very eventful, for national entertainment. Every nitty gritty detail. Go for it, ask me.

Everything about the female species in every way is meant to be fragile. In appearance we're all soft, in speech we're all soft, in movement we're (mostly) all soft. Generally we're just all soft.
But I'm hardly a delicate flower.

I feel like on the internet you can't express unhappiness, it gets shot down with, "get over it."

Well, you know what. I'm a little bit not okay. That's all. I just needed to get that out somewhere. And with the knowledge that not many people read this, it felt safe.

love? pfft.

It's no lie to say that when I like someone, I like them a LOT.
Experience has taught me to not let my guard down, ever, and so usually I don't. I'm pretty sure this one is the first one to hit me hard since GC. Because I just haven't cared since then, not really, not enough.

Whenever I let my guard down for even a second, I always get burnt. Whenever I stop putting up a defence between my emotions and my actions it always seems to go completely tits up for me.

So what's better, lovers? Is it worse to have had that love and held on to it, even if you lost it in the end? Or is it worse to have never even experieneced it?

Young though I may be, and stupid as I know it sounds - because, trust me, I do - I have never experienced love(romantic love). And it's made me a complete cynic.

party hard.

I have a million and one things to say but I'm sure I should never divluge what I've been up to of late.

I'll give you hints, though.
I went to a party, more of an adult party than the teenage hissy fit puke competition parties I've attended in the past (not all the time but, come on, we all know that's most of them). No, no, this was more... interesting than any of those ones have ever proved. It was out in the sticks, a village just outside of a city in Kent not too far from my lovely new home.
I went with Jess and Y. I was probably the only single girl there, and definitely the youngest, by far.

I can now never stand for anyone accusing me of being inexpereienced.
But if the entire night has taught me anything, it's that I like the old me better than this new me. I've changed, and I know I have. I think I'll go back to the way I was, I was happier then.

Enter, D..

No internet still after a week and a half. For flip sake, the university is supposed to provide so I feel I should be provided with such things.

Right, so! Jess had planned a trip to a rave in Broadstairs; another outer campus that specialises in mostly music and music related subjects. She invites me along, for which I was very excited and the plan was to trek down with Paliev and good times to be had by all. Please enter, D.
D is a boho hippie child in his own right - makes a lot of good music, smokes a lot of weed and raves like a mad man. Good laugh. Charming on first meet, and second meet for a matter of fact. Eyes that could kill, and I swear they did, a little bit. He looked at me as though I was the most beautiful thing in the entire place; intense.
Unfortunately, as the way of the world is with me usually, he had a girlfriend. Perfect. Flirt flirt flirt all night and then the next day I got the old, "it's complicated". I get that, I've done that, most things in life are seen as complicated - even if they're usually not. Which, they're usually not.
Perhaps I'm just bitter.
So, I was totally fine with this, I've met guys who flirt with me way more than he has done and they've been engaged and other similar committed situations.
We were invited to a house party for the next evening and attended willingly, if still slightly recovering from the previous messy rave night. D was going to be there and I, honestly, could not wait to see him again. Just normal conversation with him made me all happy and buzzed. We went, it was interesting/hectic/messy/drunken and filled with "terrible mistakes" (remember that one, that one comes back later on, as well).
I, like the fool that I am when intoxicated, fell into bed with a boy I barely know - Shep. Seriously, could I be any more stupid when I'm drunk? I am, by no means, blaming the alcohol, I just blame the way I am when I get drunk. So, I probably shouldn't drink that much any more. Ever. Silly, silly, SILLY girl = ME!
This, however, didn't seem to hinder D's attention to me, even though his girlfriend was there at the party. The rest of the night was a blur of conversations, me crying briefly (I'm not usually a drunk cryer, I just felt slightly foolish and embarrassed, I got over it quickly), smoking FAR too much and wondering where me and Jess were going to crash for the night; we were temporarily homeless.
Anyway, getting bored of this now...

We found somewhere to stay, D and two of his house mates came with to said place and hung out for a bit. D ended up asking for a place to fall asleep in, dragged me into some guys bed with him to JUST sleep - honest, nothing bad went on! We talked for about an hour and a half for nothing and everything and then he kissed me and we talked some more and then passed out.
The next day was a blow.
He texted me, "sorry, this has all been a terrible mistake".

He has stopped speaking to me and deleted me from facebook.
I mean how petty can one person be? I mean for goodness sake, grow a flippin' back bone, D. Oh, and his girlfriend broke up with him. Well done, you've got everything you wanted, D.
I really hope he reads this, and then gets a bit of a slap of reality. I'm still here to be friends with him, he ditched me.

Irritating

I want to hit girls who are painfully attractive, and go out with painfully attractive boys, who were in the year above me at school and flirted with me once when they were drunk in a pub on a student night a couple of weeks ago.


Stupid drunk boys..

Only slightly awkward

So!
I rang C and asked her if we were okay enough that I wouldn't make her, or my, evening awkward by being at the pub tonight - very mature of me, I think.
"Look, I just didn't want to lie to you or anything, you don't have to worry about things being awkward."
The entire minute's conversation was super awkward but then, considering our last incounter and the subject content, this was unsurprising.

I feel a lot better, though. If she still feels bitter then that's sad, and it's upsetting knowing things will never be quite as merry as they once were, but at least I know that I can spend my last evening untroubled. Mostly.

I'm a very troubled 19 year old girl.

A nicer feeling

Mildly contradicting myself inwardly now.
Another of my friends has come forward and told me how horrible I am in certain situations - let's call her C, and the other one R.
R and C live together in a shared flat with two others (cue Paul and Person Who Hates Me). They only know each other because of me and Rosie, because we're fun people who like to bring others together, yay!
So, me and R have made up and everything's fine and dandy, but only to the extent that nothing will ever be the same because in the back of my head all I can think about is that he basically told me, he isn't angry at me anymore because I'm not worth getting angry over. So.. I don't really matter to him? Or something.
He has also informed me that C is super angry at me, to the extent that a simple apology will not suffice. Why she did not tell me this herself I cannot fathom, something to do with not wanting to ruin my holiday at home or - whatever, I hate it when people keep junk from me that's about me, it's as bad as lying. In my opinion, anyway.
SOOO! I go to C, after being informed she's very angry, and she tells me that I've, "lost touch with how to treat people" and I'm "a great friend when it's just her and maybe a few others", but basically I'm a shit friend every other time - so, any social occasion we go to? Because it seems like I, "get bored really quickly and find someone else more interesting".
Apparently, it's not only her and R who think this and get this treatment from me! No no, it's Rosie and Step, too, just to name a couple.

I don't mean to sound so mocking. Kind of. But I've been hurt, quite simply, and feel the need to express this hurt.
At first I felt... well, a lot of things. She said, and has said before, some horrible horrible things to me. I didn't think about it when she's said anything before but I honestly don't know how anything will ever be okay between us again. I've basically been told my faults, in a vicious manner, and she's expressed her not wanting me to change who I am. So, the only possible outcome is I alter myself slightly and/or she gets to a point where she can not be angry at me anymore. But even when that happens, I will forever have the knowledge of all the things she's said (by the way, I love that song! I'm totally gunna go listen to it now).

When I realised this, I suddenly was less unhappy. I cried a flippin' lot, but Teddy spoke to me (Teddy would be my favourite boy ever) and made me feel better and reminded me that I've still got him and other people and a place to escape to, even if I don't always like it there.
If she ever needs me I will always be there. But I doubt I'll go running to her any time soon; the girl who claimed she was my REAL friend, (as opposed to all those imaginary ones I've got running about) friends don't do what she did.
So, the contradiction (inwardly) is that even though I'm like :( I'm also like :) which is weird.
Do you like that even though this was all rather "woe is me", I still managed to make some jokes? Yeah, me too.

IMPORTANT: I would like to note that it's not like I've not ever messed up or whatever, I have. Totally. But I admit that. And apologised for those things. I'm tired of apologising.

Hello 2010

I'm just going to say it. Everything I've wanted to for ages because I just can't do this anymore.
I have a friend - and this effects my other friend's opinions - who clearly thinks I'm an absolutely rubbish friend. I try. I really flippin' do; I'd like to think I'm quite a good friend, really, but nothing is ever enough for him.
It's like I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say, what I do, how I act because if I let me guard down for one second I've messed up again.
He hates going to clubs with me because I'm a bit of a social butterfly - but he knows I am. So, he tells me he hates it, tells me he doesn't want to go to clubs with me anymore and then when I go to a club and don't invite him he gets pissed at me. THAT DOESN'T WORK! Also, I'm sorry, but if I was going somewhere I usually ask who else is going and/or tell them to come along but this never happens the other way around with him. If he goes to the pub or anywhere I probably go to also I don't get an invitation - why? Surely, that's not fair.
I get sulked at because I haven't asked him to hang out with me yet, but when has he done it? Even once since I've been back in Portsmouth? Well, he hasn't! So, when I ask to hang out with him now it's replied in a begrudging way like I've pissed him off again but apparently, his words = "it's too much effort to be angry with you".
I'm sick of this. It's exhausting feeling like I've constantly messed up a friendship.

This is terribly written, I don't care. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what to do.

slag face

My cousin called me slag in jest and then was slightly taken aback when my response was to agree with him.
I think the best come back to insults is usually to just agree with the person, they rarely know what to say afterwards. Although, funnily enough, I only agreed because it's true, or it used to be. I was big ol' slag face from about half way through 2007 until the very beginning of 2009; with a 8 month period in this time when I just stopped being a slag face and went out with GC.

So, quite frankly, I have no issue with admitting my past behavior. Especially since most people had absolutely no idea because I was awesomely sneaky and, unlike most slags, didn't advertise my activities. I will talk about it now, openly, but not with pride. And the people who do talk about those things with pride are idiots - they weren't notches on my bedpost, only an asshole keeps count.

Ugh.

I'm sure in a permanent state of procrastination. Although, to be fair, today has been manic! So it's not really my fault.

I had a choir event; we went to Broadstairs which is about 40 minutes or so away from Folkestone and performed in this carol service in a church which isn't like the churches I'm used to and people kept asking me things which I didn't know the answer to because I don't go to a church with reverends! I go to a church with pastors. It's different - sad face. We got there at like 3 and the thing didn't start until half 5 so there was a lot of waiting around, and a lot of giggling at stupid things during silence moments.

- I would just like to briefly mention that my flatmate just yelled, "SUCK IT!!!", I think he's playing FIFA. I will never understand why you'd want to play a video game of football, but whatever!

Right and then when that was over we went to the Broadstairs campus for Canterbury Christ Church students - they have arty stuff like photography and commercial music, etc - and we did some of our songs over there and people were all smiely and it was fun. Thy want us to perform next year, too and I'm pretty sure they'll get us to do some other events too because we ROCK!.

Awesome, okay. Well, I didn't get home until late and then I asked Joe for his laptop and he took forever and now it's too late for me to do work and I just need to sleep in order to wake up super early and do LOADS of work then! YAY!!
Right... BYE.

RAWR!

Ihavesomuchworktodoit'sinsaneandithinki'mslowlylosingmymindandwhyamionhereandnotactuallydoingitrightnowi'mCRAZY!

That is all.

Ramble.

Today I went to City - which is always fun!
Sophia, a girl from uni, usually comes with me but today she said she had too much work to do. The weirdest part was she asked me if that was okay; I mean seriously, if it wasn't, what would she do - come anyway because I was pissed? No. Silly girl. She's an odd one, but absolutely lovely. She's a new Christian so for her everything is exciting and amazing and intense, it's really awesome to be around someone so into something so new in their life. I envy it because I've always known God, but I know I have something different with my relationship with him, not everyone is the same.
So, I went on my own and I acutally had a really good time. I met lots of people whose names I probably won't be able to remember when I go back in month but that's fine, we'll do it all again and I'll pick it back up in no time.
Afterwards me and Hani went with some other people to Nandos.

Some guy was like masachistically torturing himself by continuously eating fries with the super hot peri-peri sauce. He kept saying it hurt but carried on, I can't say I entirely understood the situation.

The bus back home was probably the worst part of my day. When I left Hani and walked to the bus, I thought I'd get a Shake Away on my way over, and consequently missed the bus which I found out only goes once an hour. I was literally, one minute late. So, I sat around in the freezing cold bus shelter for an hour with my hands slowly losing all feeling. I mean the actual bus journey wasn't that bad, I was just tired and wanted to get it over with.. and fell asleep at a few points until my head slumped forward so much that my headphones fell off and I hit head on the hand rail thing on the seat in from of me. Fun.

Home home home. I wish Joe hadn't come home so soon after I'd come arrived back, but what can you do.

Procrastinating again. I give up, I'm terrible at this whole ACTUALLY doing work thing. Plus reading is so much fun. Alex reccommended this book series to me by Scott Westerfeld and I honestly haven't been able to put it down. It's ridiculous. I love it! It's made me read loads of other things.

The beginning of the end... Of this year.

So, it's been almost three months since I moved away to uni and I'm going back in a week for a month over Christmas. I can't explain how much I miss my home, going back will be amazing.
It's been.. interesting. To say the least.
From my last post, you know that my Grandfather died. It was about two weeks into my being here; that was difficult. Along with being homesick, not really getting on with my flatmate and having a small issue back home that I had to deal with whilst being here at the same time, the entire experience has been one I couldn't have predicted in any manner.
A few weeks in I was became somewhat of a recluse. Living here literally changed how I am with myself and other people; and if you've met me, although I don't think that's necessary, you know that I'm anything but reclusive. But I didn't want to be anywhere near my flatmate, I didn't feel close enough to anyone to get comfort about my Grandfather, no one ever came to see me and I didn't want to intrude on people's lives all the time so, I spent a lot of time on my own. I wanted to go home, give up and just live my life in my parent's house in Portsmouth where I knew I had friends I could count on. But I didn't want the disappointment I knew would come with that.

Only God knows how, and I thank him every day for helping me through this, but I managed to start going out and meeting people outside of uni which built my confidence back up to hang out with my uni friends again and everything there is alright now. I found an amazing church called City Church - it's in Canterbury but I don't mind traveling to go somewhere I love. I quit smoking! It's been three weeks - and although even that mention of smoking kind of makes me want a cigarette, I know I've done one of the best things ever for myself and I couldn't be prouder. As a consequence I've gained a bit of weight, but that's coupled with my brief few of weeks of being a recluse; I comfort eat. And I know it'll be easier to lose now because I'll, even if slowly, find exercise easier.
I'm going to re-string this guitar I have, borrowed from my Mummy, and I WILL learn to play it. And then do some covers and write some songs and get some gigs. And I want to get a decent camera and do some photography and put it up on flickr and look at the world.

Boys aren't on my agenda at all. I can't escape old memories enough to make new ones and although I've had fleeting moments, there's been nothing substantial. Nothing that can compare. Nothing for ages. My attitude, as one who just isn't that interested, is apparently all the more interesting to the male of the species, and I can't figure out whether that's fun or irritating. I think both, some times fun but after a while irritating. Or just plain creepy.

God has completely turned me upside down and then the right way up again. I'm baffled and serene at the same time. Serenely baffled. I'm seeing my life through someone else's eyes, and this person is just ever so slightly more grown up than when I first arrived at university.

Now, I best stop procrastinating and actually do some work if I want to actually pass this course.
I'll try and update more often from now on. My bad. What can I say? I'm a student.

A shock

Today my Grandfather died.

I miss my family more than ever. I have never felt so far away, being at uni has suddenly become difficult. I wish I could just be with my parents and be there to cry with and comfort my Daddy.

He was a great man, and shall be missed greatly.

Slowly destroyed

I have never cried so much in my life than I have in the last two weeks.

I'm upset to go, but staying is destroying me.

Either way, I have a reputation to uphold, and it's proving more difficult than I thought. When the world thinks that you perceive yourself to be better than others, even if you don't there is no convincing them. I believe myself to be no more perfect than anyone else just because I have faith, humanity is flawed, myself doubly so.

I wish I didn't care, but I do.

The inspiration

I consider myself dramatic, in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's not something I always choose, you can only help who you are some of the time. Ambiguity is a good talent too, huh?
So, recently I'm all over the place. Happy, sad, happy, sad - I can't cut my emotions a break, my brain must be on a the edge of a mental breakdown with all the thoughts flying through it, constantly contradicting each other, bloody hell. So much is going on that I can't seem to pin down one feeling at a time.
But since I met a stranger, who moved me more than any of the people in my life ever have done, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, and everything is just.. cool. I don't think this person will ever know quite how much their influence has stuck with me; they weren't even trying. In one moment I suddenly saw what I needed to do, the drive that was required, to do what I want to do with my life. The musical aspect, anyway. But it all runs into everything else. I'm gunna take up guitar, finally and try my very hardest to quit smoking because now it's something that I really want to do, instead of something I know I should do.
All the time now music is running through my head, all mashed up into one big musical amazement, which makes no sense whatsoever and I am flippin' loving it. Everything is inspirational, everything is something I can write a song about, I have an entire discography forming in my head.

This all sounds crazy and honestly, if you could get inside my head, that query would definitely be confirmed. But I'd like to thank, and always will, the man who inspired me by doing nothing at all, bearing part of his soul on stage to a group of.. mostly underage teeny-bopper fangirls, and me. Thank you to the man who merely said, "hello", and gave me a gift.
I remain, no fangirl, but definitely a fan.

Greg Holden, thank you. Listening to you in a dingy London venue changed me.