I have some very close friends who I've always prided honesty with, absolute honesty, nearly all the time. This sometimes results in hearing things that the other person may not want to hear but it's always been out of friendship and a caring nature. I'm now harbouring such negative feelings towards one of these "friends" and I can't even bring myself to confront them about how much of a rubbish person they're being, especially about me behind my back.

When did I suddenly become such hard work to be friends with that some one could actually complain about having to see me?

I can't tell you, not even via something you may or may not read can I tell you, because I don't want to tell you directly, I don't want to tell you in an email and be cryptic and I don't want you to get really pissed off at me when it's YOU who's upset me!

So, I'm stuck. I will carry on pretending things are fine, when they're not, because all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to how much of a crappy friend you really are. And it hurts so flippin' much.

Phone business

A couple of months ago, my phone broke. It's purple and gorgeous and I'm attached to it and it broke. Some of the buttons just stopped working and after attempting the "turn it off and on again" trick, I then could not turn it on again because some of the numbers that were in my pin code were not working... Great!
So, I took my phone to 3 and they took it and fixed it and then gave it back to me a few days later, very quick, very good. THEN a week and a half later my phone breaks again, the same problem. I took my phone back to 3 - at this point slightly disgruntled - and asked if they could replace it. The response to this was that it was probably replaced when it was fixed because it was a more internal problem. I bloody doubt it. Right, so they took my phone again and "fixed" it AGAIN and everything was fine.
For about a month.
And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, my phone breaks AGAIN with the same problem. My word, at this point I wasn't just disgruntled, I wanted to hurt people! Especially the stupid flippin' girl at 3 when I went there and she says that they can't send my phone off for fixing unless I can provide proof that I purchased my phone from that store. I obviously don't have this because it's not something I carry with me all the time and because this is a new policy. My point was that she COULD HAVE just typed my name into her little stupid computer and found out that I bought my phone from here, but NO, apparently she wasn't allowed to do that because that makes perfect sense and therefore is far too easy.
This girl, who trust me, was definitely not taught the "the customer is always right" rule. I wasn't even getting angry at her and she was acting as though I was. Well, love, I could do considering you've taken my phone twice already and it's still not right.
She then TAKES my phone, after telling me she can't send it off to be fixed, and starting looking at it, struggles with taking the back off and then starts to take the battery out. THIS is a completely retarded thing to do because as she's doing this I'm telling her that it's the same problem, the buttons do not work and I can't turn it off because if I do I can't get back into it because I have a pin and THE BUTTONS DO NOT WORK!!!
She then takes my battery out and then puts it back in and then turns my phone back on, only to offer me my phone to type in my pin, to have me say that I've literally just explained that I couldn't do that. Being slightly more pissed off by her now, but not really showing it, I then mentioned how now I have no phone because I can't get into it (because she just turned it off, idiot girl).
She then looks at me and says something to the general idea that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know I had a pin, did she? I should have told her. I then quickly thanked her (WHYYY??!!) and walked out briskly, fists clenched, holding back the want to scream as much as I possibly could.
I walked into Carphone Warehouse, and walked up to a, conveniently, attractive guy called Alex.

"Hey... Alex! I would like to start by apologising for any misplaced anger towards you, it's not you, it's ALL because of 3. I now hate them. Can you help me?"

He was smiling by the time I was half way through this speech,

"A lot of people feel that way about 3. So I will try."

I clearly love him by this point. LOVE him. I could marry him. Settle down and have children with him. Anyway, I tell him what's up, I ask for my phone to be fixed and he says they have the same policy BUT he does it anyway - see! He loves me too!! He sends my poor broken phone off and after a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I was confused. I try ringing them and I don't get through to anyone, and then I get an automated phonecall message thingy saying that due to the nature of the problem, it's going to take an extra 10-14 days. But that's okay, that's fine, as long as it's fixed, EVENTUALLY.
Today I got another automated phonecall telling that my phone is back and ready to pick up. FINALLY!

What have I learned?
Boys will do anything for you in a shop if you looked disappointedly cute enough.
The girl in the 3 store is a gobby cow, who doesn't listen, with an attitude problem.
And people in the 3 store are generally retarded if they don't think that the first thing anyone does when something doesn't work is to TURN IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!

I feel way better now.
Awesome.

Tomorrow? Hello Alex >_<

It's been a while.

Today I wished I kept a diary. I remembered how much I loved writing and how I've always thought it to be a very good creative outlet. I miss keeping my thoughts somewhere other than my brain, it feels better to say things and then feel the release of not having them all locked up. That sounds retarded, I know, but try not to think about it. So, I'm back.

I turned 19.
I went on tour.
I got very good grades. VERY good grades.
I got into a university that I'm still unsure about; Canterbury Christ Church, on the Folkstone campus, to do Performing Arts. I do like it there, I love it there. But I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen and being completely aware of who I'm living with and whether I'll enjoy this course, if it's the right thing to do.
I'm still smoking, unfortunately.
I'm still going to Church and I love it and I love God and everything's still difficult there, but when is life not a struggle?

My love life is completely non-existant and I, honestly, like it that way. Of course, I'm not going to deny that it is nice to have someone, but I like not having the hassle and confusion that boys bring, and the risks on my morals and beliefs. Hmm, plus it often gives you this false validation that fades after about ten minutes.

I really want to tell a story.
I think it's about time it was told.

Odd, that.

It's a bit strange that if you look back on quite a few of my posts I'll mention that I'm at college. I don't know what it is about college but for some reason it gets me writing this thing when the rest of the time, when at home, I rarely do - which is appalling and I wish it were different but every time I say I'll change I never do so, meh.

Tomorrow we go on tour, me and my class, for college around the Isle of Wight which I'm very much looking forward to. I think four venues altogether, but I could be wrong. The last one will be the best, bringing over some people from the mainland which'll be fun, a proper gig feel to it, not that the others don't really have that.
Everyone keeps saying about getting trashed every single night, not only can I not fund that, I can also not manage that. I'd kill myself, my liver would have a panic attack and never speak to me again and I quite like the relationship we've got at the moment. Especially because I was rather abusive towards it recently, it wasn't very nice of me, so now I've got to really work at keeping it happy. However I am now certain that my gag reflex is in great working order, along with realising I've got some majorly unused stomach muscles that now I'm aware of due to great pain. So, my body's all in working order, why would I then want to abuse the hell out of it? There's having a good time and then there's destroying yourself, and I think I'm okay with not doing that for a while, thank you very much.
I will enjoy myself, by all means, and I will partake in a few drinks but I'm not going to go mental... Friday night shenanigans kinda killed my love for mental nights out for a bit.

My birthday soon. I'll be 19.
I'm quite excited, actually. People keep telling me that I'll feel no different, which, honestly, I think is a really stupid thing to say because of course I know I won't feel any different, every day I age and I'm not idiotic to think that one specific day is going to completely how I feel and look, it's not like everything jumps forward a year. What twats.
The really stupid part is when I kept saying that I KNOW I WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT, I'm just looking forward to being 19, they continued to say it will feel no different. OH MY GOD! WHAT RETARDS AM I DEALING WITH!?
I wasn't even talking to them... I swear, some people don't even deserve the right to speech, they don't use it wisely or well or correctly or coherently. Rtards.

RIGHT! After using many capitals, I'm going to depart, I have rehearsals in a bit and need to run off to that. I really hope this goes well, we have one more set of rehearsals tomorrow morning before we run off to the ferry port and get on with the tour. It's all happening very quickly and quite frankly I am just scared... but in a good way, I think.
Wish us luck!

Mild fail

Bit like a lot of other parts of my life...
Hmm, these things happen though, you know?
The reason I was inspired to post today was because some one I know, vaguely, sent me a message telling me they spent their lunch break reading my blog. Which, if I'm being honest, I think is a crazy way to pass the time of your day but then, if you know what I think then that means that you're reading this and, in which case, I thank you; I never considered my life or my thoughts at all interesting except to me, and even then..

A few updates...
VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April) has been going quite well. I've missed two days so far, which, for me, is actually very good. Considering my lack of motivation and organisation. I really want some structure to my life. I'm taking the very scary steps of going to sleep at normal hours unless deliberately intentional. Last night I went to bed at 11. Now, I'm sure I didn't actually sleep until, at least, 12 but I felt so much better for it this morning, just resting is still better than keeping my mind actively doing things and thinking. Thinking is a terrible pass time, I should really stop.

I didn't get into a single drama school so it's back to being clueless about the rest of my life for me, until next year comes around and I can begin to panic and stress out over it all over again. Oh, joy! That's how i enjoy living my life, how about you? Currently my focus is hellbent on college and actually getting work done instead of telling my parents I'm "getting it done" so often that I start to believe it myself. It's difficult but I'm learning to sit down and just get on with it. Ew. Kinda hate it, though.

So, other than that nothing is happening with my life. Apart from my doing vague and inconspicuous things that I shouldn't, and told myself I wouldn't, do. I feel guilty about these things, but only because I don't feel guilty at all, and my lack of guilt is getting to me a bit. Weird.

Tonight is the charity gig my class and I had to organise, as a promotions company, and put on together. I hope it goes well, I hope ticket sales are better than I think they'll be. Minor panic there, but only in the back of my mind and only to the extent that it would suck if the night sucked. Basically, the word 'suck' is rotating on my mind about everything to do with tonight, apart from loads of my friends in one place, that part is amazing.

LIKE YOUR FACE.

Today was made of win

I went to Thorpe Park with my class from college which was awesome and amazing and if i have time at a later date I shall explain in more detail as to why it was so much fun, but for now I must keep it brief because I am getting ready to go to Route and get my groove on with my friend Hani who I've known forever! She just turned 18! :D

Also, tomorrow, I plan on making a video. This may fail. But I plan on it.

Aaaannnnd... I'm done.

yo.

I went to Manchester on Tuesday for a drama school audition and stayed with Jazza, which was lovely and reminded me that I haven't done a post in ages. So, I thought I'd try to get back into the swing of things.
I've decided that even if my posts aren't awesome or insightful or amazing, it doesn't matter as long as I keep up to date with them, because that was the point of it all in the first place. Also, my posts began to get a bit... down. Things were getting kinda on top of me so, when things were good I wasn't writing about it and when they were bad all I wanted to do was rant, but didn't because then I felt like all I was writing about was terrible things and that I just moaned about everything. Which I don't. I'm actually an annoyingly positive person but, things just went a bit bad for a while.

BUT, I'm going to start 'counselling' sessions with a woman who lives near me so I can get things out that way.

Just to update...
I'm not going to America this summer anymore due to stress and it all being too much and EVERYTHING. I don't think I will get into drama school this year, which is okay because I think I'd like to have a year of growing up and having to work full time, experience and what not. AND... I'm running out of things to say so BYE! =D