I couldn't think of a title

I sat here, on my bed, wanting to eat a lot of junk food; comfort. No idea why it suddenly spurred, but it did. So, I went downstairs to see if I could try and solve my problem of want, I couldn't. Instead I decided it would be better to smoke.
I'm clearly an idiot.

Last week I stopped smoking for a week and a half, just because I didn't feel like it. I realised that quitting wouldn't be that difficult. That was, until, college on Thursday. Everything was fine, and then I arrived, and it was all downhill from there. I've been quite good though, only smoked last night because I was out, which is, admittedly, a terrible reason to smoke but otherwise I've been good. I just figure right now screaming, hitting things (or people), and over eating would cause a more negative outcome than if my goal is to quit, but I smoke when I have any of the aforementioned cravings.

I stood out in the cold, wearing a tee shirt and joggers, with a slight rain, and I just simply... stood there. Nevertheless, all that, and now typing it up, makes me feel slightly better.
Not so bitter.

So, what started out as an entry with a terrible mood, is ending as not that terrible after all.
Life is complicated, most of the time. But I can try and deal. And I will.

UGH

I having real trouble sleeping of late.
This has meant that I've been catching up on youtube a bit and re-discovering the love I had for so many people I used to watch and have just forgotten about because I cut myself off from the whol thing for such a long time.


So, one of my new year's resolutions was to get better organised. Although, I had considered cutting out youtube altogether, 'cause that would help, instead I just want to prioritise better so that I can include youtube in the things I enjoy doing. Along with this blog, where I often start writing things and then never post them...
College, uni auditions, seeing people, the occassional drinking session, church and God - which is higher on the list, but this isn't in order - and last but definately not least, some time for myself. Where I can chill on my own without anyone or anything else. Maybe a book. Maybe a few songs. But that's it.

I miss the old days, things were easier. I was so much more care free. Now I think about things, too much, and it's become my ultimate downfall.

What I would say

I have completely no desire to talk to a certain person ever again, whether they like it or not.
I don't want to talk about it and it's no one who reads this so I feel I can openly say with complete ambiguity how I, very vaguely, feel about/towards them at the current moment. And have done for the entire day. And probably will continue to for the rest of... well, a long time.

To the person of consequence,
I seriously hope for the rest of your life you never forget, for even a minute, what you did because then it would mean that for a brief moment you could've felt even a little glimmer of happiness, and you don't fucking deserve that.

And now that that's done and dusted, I can quite honestly say that the main reason I posted this entry was because
A - I've been thinking that all day. It's been a freak'n long day of absent stares and thinking far too much, and generally around the above's topic, of which the reader has no idea and
B - I don't care that none of you understand because, in all honesty, I just think that if I did get a chance to say that to said unmentioned person it would be the most epic of pwns in my history of pwns, definately in my top five, and they would not know how to respond.

Except knowing them, they'd probably just turn around and say something fucky because they're an asshole and are just like that. For fuck sake, I entered the New Year depressed, crying and angry and lacking a reason in my head to stop being or doing any one of those things. Since then nothing's gotten better and I'm mostly still feeling and thinking the exact same things.
It kind of gets worse but I'm sure it's just me.

Today my mother said one of the most understanding things she could ever say to me,
"I some times forget how hard it is to be your age"