I, as a rule, stand by not regreting anything. And at the end of most situations, I could say that I don't. But there are fleeting moments, and they usually occur when I do something by impulse. I'm all for living in the moment and doing things for yourself but, anyone who knows me has probably noticed, I overreact to things with such a dramatic force that I end up doing/saying/feeling things by impulse that I immediately wish I had not done.
For this, I just wanted to let people know that I'm sorry. A lot of the things I say are only my raw emotion talking, I'm an impulsive person, I say and do silly things and I apologise.
Since Chris, I haven't really been interested in guys. Well, no, I have, but at a very limited level. I like the attention and then I get scared any time they pay me a little too much, which is rather backwards and could be called 'leading people on'. In fact, yes, that's exactly what it is. I've known many people like this, which is probably why I do it so much. My best friend is equally like this with boys. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, and a scary one at that. We scheme like women but have the thought processes of men. We're overt, yet artful. Basically, we see, we want, and bloody well get. Buuut, recently, for me, it's been see, want, and then chicken out last minute because I'm really not that bothered and slightly creeped out by the entire scenario.
One thing I do like is that in having this mind-set, people keep asking me out on dates :D
The better part is turning them down. That's so deliciously satisfying in a way I have never encountered before; you should try it some time. I do not know why I was not doing this AGES ago. Also, and this has happened twice, both times I have turned people down, they've asked me out again - IT MAKES NO SENSE! But I bloody love it.
However, I still don't care. Things are still far too complicated.
Our weekly rendevouz to Route this monday resulted in Rosie and I spotting a group of five guys, every single one being attractive - I didn't even realise that possible. Usually a group of guys has at least one that isn't quite up to par.
I'm now judging guys.
Shoot me.
However, the group meeting was made ultimately lovely and entertaining by Luke, who is, possibly, the most hyperactive person I have ever had the pleasure to encounter in my entire life. The soul reason we started talking to all of them is because we were standing, completely overwhelmed and smirking by his convulsive moving, dancing by another name, but not in this particular situation. Not with him. Rosie stalked over and struck up conversation, excellent conversational skills that we both have, this was followed shortly with Luke offering me a scarily enthusiastic high five, missing my hand altogether, and slamming - with the full weight of his person - his hugely powerful hand into my arm. It still hurts.
Route never bores me.
Wednesday 10 September 2008
Tuesday 9 September 2008
Rage continuity
I'd like to be able to contradict people when they tell me my blog is very down cast and often consisting of me being angry or just plain negative. However, I'm about to be very negative, so I figure at least I'm keeping with some sort of continuity, at the end of the day.
For the first time ever, I had the smallest thought and wished for a second that I had never gotten involved with anyone on youtube. There is no privacy.
Not only do I feel, once again, completely isolated from my friends, due to my not being able to go to youstage, I now want to find MyShowbizName and scream at him until my throat hurts.
I tried to take it in good humor and, to a certain extent, I did. And can. But joking or not, not only is that down right rude, it's insensitive and fucking harsh.
And then it's even more harsh for Chris to fucking put that fucking quote on his fucking profile.
Put that one up? Take mine fucking down.
I know he only meant it playfull, but he knows me, and he should know better.
I'll write something more positive later, because until now, I was actually doing okay recently.
For the first time ever, I had the smallest thought and wished for a second that I had never gotten involved with anyone on youtube. There is no privacy.
Not only do I feel, once again, completely isolated from my friends, due to my not being able to go to youstage, I now want to find MyShowbizName and scream at him until my throat hurts.
I tried to take it in good humor and, to a certain extent, I did. And can. But joking or not, not only is that down right rude, it's insensitive and fucking harsh.
And then it's even more harsh for Chris to fucking put that fucking quote on his fucking profile.
Put that one up? Take mine fucking down.
I know he only meant it playfull, but he knows me, and he should know better.
I'll write something more positive later, because until now, I was actually doing okay recently.
Sunday 7 September 2008
Two.
Two very strange things have occurred today, perhaps they were only a singularly strange thing for me, I'm not sure how another person would have dealt with such things.
One was a mere realisation, an epiphany if you will. I have a best guy mate. The feeling is not mutual. Our relationship is an odd one, in which I used to think I was in love with him and he knew. The feelings, unfortunately, not reciprocated. Recent events caused us to not speak for a few months, said events were, in fact, him and one of my very close female friends seeing each other behind my back. There is a lot of back story, lying and bitching involved that I do not care to detail but the overall result was, the girl and I are still friends but there's a hidden mistrust we don't speak about and my best guy mate and I are now smitten, having patched things up about two weeks ago.
I haven't seen him since before we had the argument that stopped us talking to each other, until today. We flirt, that's how we are. We look like a couple, we've always been this way, it's just how we work as friends. Before this entire thing happened, we had a weekend in which our friendship got slightly more friendly, quite a while ago. Tonight, we kissed, and there was nothing. I feel very little for him anymore, and as soon as this happened I switched off. I was normal, like how normal friends hang out, not draped over each other, we just sat. I think he thought I was kidding, however I realise now that I should have done this a long time ago, when I still felt something. His reaction was nothing other than chasing me, I gave him little attention and he was craving it.
I feel nothing for my guitar boy. Sure, I care for him but, something's missing now.
He's just a boy, again.
The other odd thing is, regretfully, facebook related.
LH was my first, and I was a girl obsessed when it came to him. I liked him anyway, throw in something like my virginity and you've got quite an attached girl on your hands. He liked me too, I know he did. He occasionally said things that gave it away, once he even half admitted it, following such tales of almost affection with, "but, you're too young."
Then there was, "I like you better when you're here with me, with everyone else you're different."
That was a killer. However, I was such a fool infatuated that I played along like it wasn't that important. He got what he wanted and I got his attention and affection in one way or another, I was somewhat satisfied. Until the day he told me about a girl he liked; an ex of his friend. I mean, I was there to listen and talk, and we had told each other secrets I wouldn't even dream of sharing with some people but that was too much. I also knew right from the beginning that he was moving away; to Leeds, he said, back with his family. I didn't see him for a week or so and that was it, he was gone. I found out not much later that he had, in fact, moved to Bristol. With his girlfriend. A new addition, just after me.
A little under a year ago a girl, who was involved with a friend of mine, told me in a toilet while she was drunk that he had been shagging one, maybe even two, other girls whilst he was seeing me. My first, tainted. Completely.
I didn't cry, I wasn't even that upset. I just took the information in and continued with my evening. And let it slowly eat away at me, I used to feel like it would never stop. I don't know if it has yet.
Today, I found him on facebook and added him. There was no emotion there when I did it, I know him, he knows me, therefore we fit the bill for 'facebook friends'. Something in me wanted to know what he was doing now, if he was with anyone, where he lived, remind myself of what he looks like.
I came home this evening to a perfectly reasonable comment on facebook, from him, listing the usual pleasantries one receives in a comment. I then looked at my received messages in my Honesty Box - I get very few - only to read one that said, "Haha, I popped your cherry! =P"
That insensitive bastard.
If only he knew.
After both of these contrasting comments, I'm not quite sure what the emotion I'm feeling right now is. I've never had it before. Part of me feels it's appropriate to cry, but my eyes are dry. Part of me doesn't really even care. I spent exactly 13 minutes staring at my laptop screen, not sure now whether my mind was blank or buzzing. I called Rosie and told her, she said what a friend should, whatever that is, but she understood that I just needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Her current 'we're just seeing each other' guy lives with Ben. I met Ben last week. He looks like LH, and I kissed him.
Something is slightly ashamed as well.
One was a mere realisation, an epiphany if you will. I have a best guy mate. The feeling is not mutual. Our relationship is an odd one, in which I used to think I was in love with him and he knew. The feelings, unfortunately, not reciprocated. Recent events caused us to not speak for a few months, said events were, in fact, him and one of my very close female friends seeing each other behind my back. There is a lot of back story, lying and bitching involved that I do not care to detail but the overall result was, the girl and I are still friends but there's a hidden mistrust we don't speak about and my best guy mate and I are now smitten, having patched things up about two weeks ago.
I haven't seen him since before we had the argument that stopped us talking to each other, until today. We flirt, that's how we are. We look like a couple, we've always been this way, it's just how we work as friends. Before this entire thing happened, we had a weekend in which our friendship got slightly more friendly, quite a while ago. Tonight, we kissed, and there was nothing. I feel very little for him anymore, and as soon as this happened I switched off. I was normal, like how normal friends hang out, not draped over each other, we just sat. I think he thought I was kidding, however I realise now that I should have done this a long time ago, when I still felt something. His reaction was nothing other than chasing me, I gave him little attention and he was craving it.
I feel nothing for my guitar boy. Sure, I care for him but, something's missing now.
He's just a boy, again.
The other odd thing is, regretfully, facebook related.
LH was my first, and I was a girl obsessed when it came to him. I liked him anyway, throw in something like my virginity and you've got quite an attached girl on your hands. He liked me too, I know he did. He occasionally said things that gave it away, once he even half admitted it, following such tales of almost affection with, "but, you're too young."
Then there was, "I like you better when you're here with me, with everyone else you're different."
That was a killer. However, I was such a fool infatuated that I played along like it wasn't that important. He got what he wanted and I got his attention and affection in one way or another, I was somewhat satisfied. Until the day he told me about a girl he liked; an ex of his friend. I mean, I was there to listen and talk, and we had told each other secrets I wouldn't even dream of sharing with some people but that was too much. I also knew right from the beginning that he was moving away; to Leeds, he said, back with his family. I didn't see him for a week or so and that was it, he was gone. I found out not much later that he had, in fact, moved to Bristol. With his girlfriend. A new addition, just after me.
A little under a year ago a girl, who was involved with a friend of mine, told me in a toilet while she was drunk that he had been shagging one, maybe even two, other girls whilst he was seeing me. My first, tainted. Completely.
I didn't cry, I wasn't even that upset. I just took the information in and continued with my evening. And let it slowly eat away at me, I used to feel like it would never stop. I don't know if it has yet.
Today, I found him on facebook and added him. There was no emotion there when I did it, I know him, he knows me, therefore we fit the bill for 'facebook friends'. Something in me wanted to know what he was doing now, if he was with anyone, where he lived, remind myself of what he looks like.
I came home this evening to a perfectly reasonable comment on facebook, from him, listing the usual pleasantries one receives in a comment. I then looked at my received messages in my Honesty Box - I get very few - only to read one that said, "Haha, I popped your cherry! =P"
That insensitive bastard.
If only he knew.
After both of these contrasting comments, I'm not quite sure what the emotion I'm feeling right now is. I've never had it before. Part of me feels it's appropriate to cry, but my eyes are dry. Part of me doesn't really even care. I spent exactly 13 minutes staring at my laptop screen, not sure now whether my mind was blank or buzzing. I called Rosie and told her, she said what a friend should, whatever that is, but she understood that I just needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Her current 'we're just seeing each other' guy lives with Ben. I met Ben last week. He looks like LH, and I kissed him.
Something is slightly ashamed as well.
Tuesday 2 September 2008
My brother is an addict.
It doesn't help that he has a particularly addictive personality, which must be a family trait because we all seem to have our moments in this house. But, my brother smokes weed every day. I know it sounds like a mild thing but it's slowly rotting away at his mind, he's better than he used to be with the amount he actually smokes now but still, it's never gone.
He even argues that it's good. I mean, I understand the initial appeal, but after a while I can't see the point anymore. There is nothing about his life that is so bad that he needs something to take him away from a real view of reality. I think it used to be that he was just bored and his friends were doing it, then it was just habit, now and then I tend to think it might be to hide from the fact that he's failing uni every time he tries, but the weed is the reason for that anyway so it just ends up being a viscious circle.
I am in no way someone speaking from only an outsider's experience, I'm not just an observer of his ways, I used to be a participant. I did it, because he did it. For an entire year I was out of my face, practically, 24/7. This was a bad stage for me. Luckily, I stopped before it had any real effect on me, hopefully. But I don't think Dave even really remembers much about life before he started smoking weed. This thought always gets to me. Also, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he fails at education, work, his own ambitions because of his lack of motivation which is all spurred by that one thing. I just pray that one day he'll wake up and realise.
Otherwise, he'll end up with nothing but debt, dealers, and no future.
He has gotten a lot better, though.
He even argues that it's good. I mean, I understand the initial appeal, but after a while I can't see the point anymore. There is nothing about his life that is so bad that he needs something to take him away from a real view of reality. I think it used to be that he was just bored and his friends were doing it, then it was just habit, now and then I tend to think it might be to hide from the fact that he's failing uni every time he tries, but the weed is the reason for that anyway so it just ends up being a viscious circle.
I am in no way someone speaking from only an outsider's experience, I'm not just an observer of his ways, I used to be a participant. I did it, because he did it. For an entire year I was out of my face, practically, 24/7. This was a bad stage for me. Luckily, I stopped before it had any real effect on me, hopefully. But I don't think Dave even really remembers much about life before he started smoking weed. This thought always gets to me. Also, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he fails at education, work, his own ambitions because of his lack of motivation which is all spurred by that one thing. I just pray that one day he'll wake up and realise.
Otherwise, he'll end up with nothing but debt, dealers, and no future.
He has gotten a lot better, though.
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