Thursday 18 December 2008

Hmpf.

Being jobless, out of college for Christmas and having nearly nothing to fill my days with means that I've started spending far too much time on this lovely thing on my lap that I adore. Wow.

Anyway, as a result my sleeping habits are quite thoroughly askew and I shall, no doubt, be posting more entries than usual. And by 'usual', I mean since I had a job and a life that I could happily fund that caused my complete lack of contact with my banters online.

I can never figure out whether it's a good thing or not, in the same way that I can never figure out whether I should do it. I'd be somewhat lost without, though. So, it stays.

The other day I did a very VERY stupid thing.

This blog has become so vague now, it hurts. I don't feel like I can write about any truth because of who may read it, that's not what I wanted it to be at all. I'm all for sparing feelings but when I hold mine back constantly, that's ridiculous.

Monday 15 December 2008

My House

My house looks like the inside of a Christmas decorations store.

It's VERY strange. And fills me with a horrible sense of Christmas cheer.

Scary as hell.

Thursday 4 December 2008

Stupid mistakes

When I was 14 I was arrested for the destruction of public property.
This 'distruction' was me being a complete idiot and writing on the wall of the Guildhall.
The Police could have told me off, called my parents, told me to clean it off - which I would've gladly done - or any number of things that wasn't arresting me. But no, they arrested me.
It could be one of THE stupidest things I have ever done in my entire life and I don't like admitting to it, for the most part I avoid the topic altogether.

I want to go to work at Camp America over the summer.
I have now been told that this might not be possible because I might not be given a visa due to the fact that I have been arrested and, apparently, no matter how small the conviction or caution (it was only caution though!!! A CAUTION! A slap on the freak'n wrist) it is extremely unlikely I will be granted a visa.

If I could kick myself in the face, I totally would.

Wednesday 3 December 2008

By the way

Can I just have a quick show of hands, and then a comment confirming that hand showing, if you know full well that I'm a complete pervert, joking or not? Most of the time joking, but you guys know this, right?

According to Jacob Dyer, I hide it well. Okay, so I know he hasn't met me but has he ever seen my videos? I even perve on girls. Sophie knows, I don't think we've ever had a non-perverted conversation.

Gotta love that girl, or at least, I do ;]

Hey baby, insulation?

A conversation about my house...


it got insulated the other day
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
Was it a painfull experience for you?
Anna Louise says:
well no, because it was the house not me
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
I thought you said "I got..."
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
Whoops.
Anna Louise says:
hahaha
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
I was like
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
-_-
Anna Louise says:
I thought that was the mistake
Anna Louise says:
haha
Anna Louise says:
that's how i talk dirty
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
...*Splutter*
Your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man says:
WHAT?!
Anna Louise says:
oh yeah baby

Tuesday 25 November 2008

Luke Francis

On Monday morning I got dropped off home early in the morning by my friend. I was content, and happy and didn't have a care in the world. My parents opened the door to me and I sat down to have breakfast with my Mummy before she dashed off to work. She had the news on and she was reading... I don't understand quite how she expects to take either in, but whatever. I heard brief outlines of the accident that had happened Sunday morning, a boy had fallen off his bike and died due to the head injuries. They mentioned his name, "Luke Francis", I stopped what I was doing, "What!?"
My Mum didn't really know what to do, I was screaming at the tv. Especially when they showed the picture of him, "NO!"
Over and over again, all I could say was 'no'.

I calmed slightly, phoned up Rosie, she had been asleep. Had she heard? No. I told her. She was in as much shock as I was. My parents left for work, I cleaned up my breakfast stuff and went back to bed. When I woke up there were a few moments of clarity when I forgot what had happened, what I had found out. And then it sunk back in and seemed to hit me even harder than before.
The day was just a long procession of things to keep me distracted and to prevent me from sitting around looking and feeling miserable. When I was standing at the train station to Chichester I felt the burning eyes of people looking at me, clearly looking a little distressed, every now and then seeming as though I might burst into tears. I wanted to tell everyone I passed what had happened, maybe then they'd understand. What I wanted them to understand, I don't know, but it was killing me that people were going about their ordinary lives without a care. And why shouldn't they? But it was driving me insane.
Since I found out I've been over thinking again, like before, it can dangerous to linger in it for too long though. My Mum's worried about me already, I can tell.
I went round to my friend's house, Dom, in the evening and we just sat around watching crap and talking about all the memories we had of him and everything about back then. Reminiscing was nice. But then, the only memories I have of Luke are good ones, clearly my memory's being kind. But to be honest, Luke was amazing. He was funny and energetic and insane and everyone thought he would live forever; all the stupid things he'd done before, we thought he was invincible.


Sunday 23rd November 2008 - RIP Luke Francis.

Friday 21 November 2008

jobsjobsjobs

Interview today, trial shift tomorrow.
Two different places - I'm very excited.
I really should get ready, I'm going to run out of time otherwise.... Hm.

Last night was a bust, moved on to Sunday night instead.
It's just hard keeping lots of secrets.

Ambiguity much?
What a pointless post.

Wednesday 19 November 2008

Shocked

Today I was in the car with my Dad listening to the amazing musical composition that is Teardrop, by Massive Attack. Now, I could handle my father not knowing the song. Not knowing the band was... surprising, but still, okay. BUT THEN!

Dad "Where did you get this song?"
"I downloaded it"
"From where?"
"Limewire, why?"
"It sounds really badly recorded."
"What? How does it?"
"That crackling noise."
*codfish moment*
"...Dad, that's an old record sound effect."
"Oh. What's the point?"
"What's the point of a guitar?"
"To make a sound."
"Right."

Wow.

Wednesday 12 November 2008

My advice

Think about the decisions you make in your life before you make them. Although impulse is a good thing to live by, it can often take you down paths that you don't like when you get to the end.

I don't want anyone else to feel the way I have done about the various choices I've made in my life. People don't say it enough, you really need to think first.

Monday 10 November 2008

Optimism

When I got my headache last week that didn't go away, my good mood spree disappeared because I felt like I had shrugged anything bad that had happened in long time and just decided to be okay about it. Now, you guys don't know this because I haven't posted in a while, but I was actually in a really good place with myself. Nothing really got me down, and even if it did, I was okay pretty quickly.
But everything got on top of me and I felt like I couldn't cope anymore, so I just got upset a lot. Which is understandable around the time of my being fired and then the headache. The never ending headache! Which, luckily, is pretty much gone.
I hope it's not just that the painkillers are in my system still so that's why I'm okay, but yeh - morphene level painkillers for the win!

BUT I'm finally in a good place again, so... good stuff.
I'm looking forward to every day this week. I'm really looking forward to the weekend too, soo... WOO.

Sunday 9 November 2008

idiotswhoworkontrains

I really hate it when I enquire about something, probably quite important, for example:
"Do I get an 'any time day ticket' to come back tomorrow?"
"Yes."
Now, at the time I thought this was very helpful - thank you, oh annonymous train gaurd at one of my local stations!
NO!!!
It doesn't last for the next day, I was told incorrectly and as a result had to buy another single ticket. I DON'T HAVE A JOB, YOU UNHELPFUL PRICK.

But, I'm alright really, because I just came back from Ian's. So, despite the slight hiccough, yay for seeing people I love <33

Wednesday 5 November 2008

This one took a while

I never get into the swing of things. My energy usually gets thrown into whatever new activity I'm doing and some things, as a result, suffer and often disappear from my attention, which is a shame.
A great shame.
College... It's okay. The class I've been moved into this year is incredibly different and a huge improvement from the one I was in last year. I still have the problem of the mere year age gap being oddly prominent, but for the most part I ignore it, there's no point in torturing myself. I'm slowly pushing my way into this group that's more like a family, I will create a place for myself, I need to. Jazz and Blues is the focus of this term and I'm loving it; I'm in college for three days a week but I love every single one of those days because each one gives me the chance to sing and that's all I want, all I've ever wanted in a college course to be honest. Who can complain...
Boys are a topic that I've just decided to drop. It's difficult, but what with my previous attachments not seeming to want to leave me, it's difficult to gain any new ones with sincerity. And boys just create a nuisance unless they're just friends, and I love my friends so just having friends for now is perfectly lovely. Another instinctive to do this is my faith, I need to bring my focus back to God, genuinely - I slipped too much and now I really and truly am trying so hard to stay on track.

So, I told you I got a job. That was amazing. I loved everything about it; place, location, people, everything. Saturday I was asked to leave.
Based on my performance when ill, which I didn't act up because I didn't want to seem like I was acting up, they decided I wouldn't be able to handle the pressure of the job when it became busier which it apparently would. So, they asked me to leave, no notice. Which... sucked. It still sucks. I am now jobless. Again. And going to something YouTube related, again. Which I can only just afford because I am unemployed, again.
History has a funny way of repeating itself, even more recent events in history.

Ian's on Saturday...
A smile stole across my face as I typed that sentence, I can't help it, and I can't stop it. The last time I saw anyone, apart from Jazza in Manc and Becky last weekend, was at NSG's 888 shindig.
Before that, my birthday in Glasgow. That feels so long ago now, so much has happened since then. I've watched some of the gathering videos from Unchliche, even watching something that I missed, I still get the same feeling as I do when I'm there for real. I can't really explain it. If you go, then you know and understand all too well the overwhelming feeling you get when you see all these people that you value so much, all in one place, doing things we'd do in our own time but with each other instead. I miss it, I miss the rush. Agh. I'm getting annoyingly soppy. For this kind of emotion, please see crying video. [ghey ghey ghey]

On Saturday, when I arrived home from seeing Becky in Portsmouth with some of her friends, I started having a really intensely painful headache. When I woke up the next day it was still there. Even now, still there. Monday evening I went to an emergency appointment at the doctors about it and they gave me antibiotics and Cocodamol. Should you ever experience ridiculously unrelenting intense pain, Cocodamol is your answer, unless of course you're dying or missing a limb or something equally unlikely. Cocodamol is like the superman of all painkillers, a mixture of Codine and Paracetamol. And the side effects are lovely too! So, the good news is that my intense headache is now a mild twinge in the background for the most part, the bad news is that to replace my headache I get lovely doses of nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, shaking and hot and cold flushes. They're not all the time, thank God, but every now and then when I'm feeling dandy and least expect it, there they are!
Scenario: Anna is getting ready for college, Anna is just about to leave the house, BOOM! Anna feels like she is going to throw up. Later...
Anna is in college between rehearsing and listening to the pleasant music being played by her fellow students, WAM! Anna almost falls over and passes out because suddenly she's dizzy. WHILST SITTING.

Damn side effects.

Friday 10 October 2008

Manchester

I'm going to Manchester today for a university open day tomorrow.
Hopefully I'll get to see Jazza, that'd be awesome cos I haven't seen him since Alex's gathering...

There are some down sides to work... Hmm. Anyway, got to shoot off to Manc! I'll let you know what I think, I've already had a look at the Cardiff Atrium =D

Tuesday 7 October 2008

Shutthefuckupannayoudepressinglittlegirl

I always, at least, TRY to talk to you online.
I text you about something if I really think you'll actually respond, you don't.
I call you, you don't pick up. You stopped calling me a long time ago.

I've said it before, I sort out one aspect of my life and another aspect will just go to hell. It's more the fact that some people have stopped trying.

That part freak'n kills me.
I just feel like it's only me now, in everything. Why the fuck did you leave? You don't even know what the hell is going on with me anymore, I wonder if you would notice if I just disappeared all together...
Hm.

Saturday 4 October 2008

My new job.

Working again is nice, it's nice to know that next saturday I will get roughly £75 or there abouts for the three shifts I've done this week, one of them being tonight.
I worked on monday, which was terrifying but I like to think that I picked things up quite quickly. I then worked yesterday for a another day shift which was more like a first shift than my first shift. I got lots of mistakes and accidents out of the way and sunk my self assurance WAY into the ground so that I started freaking out at the thought of dropping every single plate I picked up, not to mention my imagination running wild when holding a glass. Fun.
Tonight, before I take a nice three hour nap, I will go back to being terrified again because, not only, am I not doing a day shift, I'm also working upstairs. The previously mentioned 90s night club. I start at ten which means I'm being thrown right into the deep end when people will already be there, I'm not that fast at my job yet, drunken strangers scare me when I'm sober, I don't know how to make any of the cocktails AND I don't finish until 3. Which I'm told is actually more like 4/half 4. Hmm. I'll try to make these particular shifts as few as possible.
I then will go back to my friend's, Lauren, house and pass out in her house somewhere, wake up at some god foresaken hour and spend my entire day veggin' in her house until I have work tomorrow night again; the pub this time, still scary but not as late and my mum's picking me up to take me home to my own bed. Yum. Then I have a day shift on monday. Does it never end!?
The horrible part of this four day work scheduel is that it's actually my fault. I have a uni open day in Manchester on saturday and we're going up on friday so I can't work either, and I was down for both so they had to change me to the only available days left. Which just happens to make it four days in a row.
Ah well, more money for me, yum yum yum. How I can actually spend this money, I have no idea, because if this kind of work rota continues I will have no social aspect to my life other than the people i see at work and college. Here's how this week has, and will, be...

Thursday (gone):
-College 9-5
-See Tom in the evening
Friday (gone):
-Work 11-5
-Reg for an hour, hang out with Seb and Tom, say hello to Matt and other lovely Reg workers
-Go home
-Eat
-Go to sleep
Saturday (today!):
-Church membership day 9:30-4:30
-Come home
-Write in blog ^_^
-Sleep
-Go to work 10-3/4/4:30
-Get taxi to Lauren's
-Sleep
Sunday:
-Sleep
-Sleep
-Chill with Lauren and her little girl, Rosie, until work.
-Work 7(I think?)-12:30
-Go home
-Sleep
Monday:
-Go to work 11-4 (with Lauren, so that's nice)
-Go home
-Maybe see Tom
-Learn song I was supposed to for the next day in horrid panic
-Eat, chill, sleep
Tuesday:
-Go to college 9-1
-Go home and chill
-Do something, I don't know yet 'cause it has yet to happen. Jeezzz...
-Watch ANTM with Mummy
-Eat, sleep
Wednesday:
-Go to college 9-5 (pointless three hour break)
-Go home
-Chill, eat, chill, sleep
Thursday:
-Go to college 9-5
-Go home
-Eat quickly
-Go to work 7(I think?)-12:30
-Go home
-Sleep.

Which means I have roughly three days where I can have a social life, however!!! college is always an outside of the building requirement and I need to do assignments and learn songs for rehearsals and vocal technique. I'm going to kill myself!

But, otherwise, I really like work.
Night!

Thursday 2 October 2008

Memory

And my apparent lack of it.
Remembering to update my blog, which I so faithfully kept for a good few months, failed miserably when I started back at college. My last post was two days before I had my first day back into education and I haven't updated anything since. I discovered Twitter, which I've been keeping to but for some reason every time I came online and did my rounds, my blog went completely out of sight and mind; which is a shame because I love my blog.

I got a job since I last wrote anything, I've only had one shift so far and I've got my second tomorrow. I now work in a pub and club that are owned and staffed by the same people. The pub is very student orientated - The Fleet - and is where I spent many cold winter days in my youth sitting in to avoid hypothermia. Babylon, the club upstairs, however, is a 90s club. Need I say more? I'm told that I will eventually have to learn a dance to do in the beginning of the nights in that lovely place and my first shift in the waste land of bad music and even worse attendants is on saturday. A gorgeous five hour shift that starts at 10pm and ends at 3am; at which point I'm sure I'll be dragging myself into someone's house and passing out on a unfamiliar bed of a friend's. This will probably be Lauren. A girl I only knew of, and only by face, who goes to my college doing the university course of what I'm doing now, so we have lots in common. Not to mention, now we work together.

Want to know what I'm doing right now? I'm sitting next to a pedantic grammar whore twat who is obsessed with correcting ever little tiny fucking thing! I understand, honestly, I really do. When people use excessively and obviously incorrect grammar it is somewhat annoying, also makes me wonder if they were actually educated or not BUT, the way he goes about his obsessive little nit-picks is just down right rude and FREAK'N ANNOYING.

But enough about me getting annoyed at people constantly.
Life is good right now, I'm going to be getting money again soon which means I can live, and also come visit my lovely online friends who I feel expentially disconnected from right now. YAY.

I read Chris' blog today. His writing always makes me smile.
I miss people.

Wednesday 10 September 2008

Impulse as a start

I, as a rule, stand by not regreting anything. And at the end of most situations, I could say that I don't. But there are fleeting moments, and they usually occur when I do something by impulse. I'm all for living in the moment and doing things for yourself but, anyone who knows me has probably noticed, I overreact to things with such a dramatic force that I end up doing/saying/feeling things by impulse that I immediately wish I had not done.
For this, I just wanted to let people know that I'm sorry. A lot of the things I say are only my raw emotion talking, I'm an impulsive person, I say and do silly things and I apologise.

Since Chris, I haven't really been interested in guys. Well, no, I have, but at a very limited level. I like the attention and then I get scared any time they pay me a little too much, which is rather backwards and could be called 'leading people on'. In fact, yes, that's exactly what it is. I've known many people like this, which is probably why I do it so much. My best friend is equally like this with boys. Together we are a force to be reckoned with, and a scary one at that. We scheme like women but have the thought processes of men. We're overt, yet artful. Basically, we see, we want, and bloody well get. Buuut, recently, for me, it's been see, want, and then chicken out last minute because I'm really not that bothered and slightly creeped out by the entire scenario.
One thing I do like is that in having this mind-set, people keep asking me out on dates :D
The better part is turning them down. That's so deliciously satisfying in a way I have never encountered before; you should try it some time. I do not know why I was not doing this AGES ago. Also, and this has happened twice, both times I have turned people down, they've asked me out again - IT MAKES NO SENSE! But I bloody love it.
However, I still don't care. Things are still far too complicated.
Our weekly rendevouz to Route this monday resulted in Rosie and I spotting a group of five guys, every single one being attractive - I didn't even realise that possible. Usually a group of guys has at least one that isn't quite up to par.
I'm now judging guys.

Shoot me.

However, the group meeting was made ultimately lovely and entertaining by Luke, who is, possibly, the most hyperactive person I have ever had the pleasure to encounter in my entire life. The soul reason we started talking to all of them is because we were standing, completely overwhelmed and smirking by his convulsive moving, dancing by another name, but not in this particular situation. Not with him. Rosie stalked over and struck up conversation, excellent conversational skills that we both have, this was followed shortly with Luke offering me a scarily enthusiastic high five, missing my hand altogether, and slamming - with the full weight of his person - his hugely powerful hand into my arm. It still hurts.

Route never bores me.

Tuesday 9 September 2008

I was doing bloody well! I was okay for once, I been a bit down every now and then but I tell myself to snap out of it and I'm right back up again. I hadn't cried in weeks.

I'm spiralling over something pathetic and miniscule because you still affect me and I hate it.

Rage continuity

I'd like to be able to contradict people when they tell me my blog is very down cast and often consisting of me being angry or just plain negative. However, I'm about to be very negative, so I figure at least I'm keeping with some sort of continuity, at the end of the day.

For the first time ever, I had the smallest thought and wished for a second that I had never gotten involved with anyone on youtube. There is no privacy.
Not only do I feel, once again, completely isolated from my friends, due to my not being able to go to youstage, I now want to find MyShowbizName and scream at him until my throat hurts.
I tried to take it in good humor and, to a certain extent, I did. And can. But joking or not, not only is that down right rude, it's insensitive and fucking harsh.

And then it's even more harsh for Chris to fucking put that fucking quote on his fucking profile.
Put that one up? Take mine fucking down.
I know he only meant it playfull, but he knows me, and he should know better.

I'll write something more positive later, because until now, I was actually doing okay recently.

Sunday 7 September 2008

Two.

Two very strange things have occurred today, perhaps they were only a singularly strange thing for me, I'm not sure how another person would have dealt with such things.

One was a mere realisation, an epiphany if you will. I have a best guy mate. The feeling is not mutual. Our relationship is an odd one, in which I used to think I was in love with him and he knew. The feelings, unfortunately, not reciprocated. Recent events caused us to not speak for a few months, said events were, in fact, him and one of my very close female friends seeing each other behind my back. There is a lot of back story, lying and bitching involved that I do not care to detail but the overall result was, the girl and I are still friends but there's a hidden mistrust we don't speak about and my best guy mate and I are now smitten, having patched things up about two weeks ago.
I haven't seen him since before we had the argument that stopped us talking to each other, until today. We flirt, that's how we are. We look like a couple, we've always been this way, it's just how we work as friends. Before this entire thing happened, we had a weekend in which our friendship got slightly more friendly, quite a while ago. Tonight, we kissed, and there was nothing. I feel very little for him anymore, and as soon as this happened I switched off. I was normal, like how normal friends hang out, not draped over each other, we just sat. I think he thought I was kidding, however I realise now that I should have done this a long time ago, when I still felt something. His reaction was nothing other than chasing me, I gave him little attention and he was craving it.
I feel nothing for my guitar boy. Sure, I care for him but, something's missing now.
He's just a boy, again.


The other odd thing is, regretfully, facebook related.
LH was my first, and I was a girl obsessed when it came to him. I liked him anyway, throw in something like my virginity and you've got quite an attached girl on your hands. He liked me too, I know he did. He occasionally said things that gave it away, once he even half admitted it, following such tales of almost affection with, "but, you're too young."
Then there was, "I like you better when you're here with me, with everyone else you're different."
That was a killer. However, I was such a fool infatuated that I played along like it wasn't that important. He got what he wanted and I got his attention and affection in one way or another, I was somewhat satisfied. Until the day he told me about a girl he liked; an ex of his friend. I mean, I was there to listen and talk, and we had told each other secrets I wouldn't even dream of sharing with some people but that was too much. I also knew right from the beginning that he was moving away; to Leeds, he said, back with his family. I didn't see him for a week or so and that was it, he was gone. I found out not much later that he had, in fact, moved to Bristol. With his girlfriend. A new addition, just after me.
A little under a year ago a girl, who was involved with a friend of mine, told me in a toilet while she was drunk that he had been shagging one, maybe even two, other girls whilst he was seeing me. My first, tainted. Completely.
I didn't cry, I wasn't even that upset. I just took the information in and continued with my evening. And let it slowly eat away at me, I used to feel like it would never stop. I don't know if it has yet.
Today, I found him on facebook and added him. There was no emotion there when I did it, I know him, he knows me, therefore we fit the bill for 'facebook friends'. Something in me wanted to know what he was doing now, if he was with anyone, where he lived, remind myself of what he looks like.
I came home this evening to a perfectly reasonable comment on facebook, from him, listing the usual pleasantries one receives in a comment. I then looked at my received messages in my Honesty Box - I get very few - only to read one that said, "Haha, I popped your cherry! =P"
That insensitive bastard.
If only he knew.

After both of these contrasting comments, I'm not quite sure what the emotion I'm feeling right now is. I've never had it before. Part of me feels it's appropriate to cry, but my eyes are dry. Part of me doesn't really even care. I spent exactly 13 minutes staring at my laptop screen, not sure now whether my mind was blank or buzzing. I called Rosie and told her, she said what a friend should, whatever that is, but she understood that I just needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Her current 'we're just seeing each other' guy lives with Ben. I met Ben last week. He looks like LH, and I kissed him.
Something is slightly ashamed as well.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

My brother is an addict.

It doesn't help that he has a particularly addictive personality, which must be a family trait because we all seem to have our moments in this house. But, my brother smokes weed every day. I know it sounds like a mild thing but it's slowly rotting away at his mind, he's better than he used to be with the amount he actually smokes now but still, it's never gone.
He even argues that it's good. I mean, I understand the initial appeal, but after a while I can't see the point anymore. There is nothing about his life that is so bad that he needs something to take him away from a real view of reality. I think it used to be that he was just bored and his friends were doing it, then it was just habit, now and then I tend to think it might be to hide from the fact that he's failing uni every time he tries, but the weed is the reason for that anyway so it just ends up being a viscious circle.
I am in no way someone speaking from only an outsider's experience, I'm not just an observer of his ways, I used to be a participant. I did it, because he did it. For an entire year I was out of my face, practically, 24/7. This was a bad stage for me. Luckily, I stopped before it had any real effect on me, hopefully. But I don't think Dave even really remembers much about life before he started smoking weed. This thought always gets to me. Also, he doesn't see anything wrong with it, he fails at education, work, his own ambitions because of his lack of motivation which is all spurred by that one thing. I just pray that one day he'll wake up and realise.

Otherwise, he'll end up with nothing but debt, dealers, and no future.

He has gotten a lot better, though.

Wednesday 27 August 2008

Realisation

Literally minutes after posting my last entry, I read this in gc's.

"A lot of people would much rather psycho-analyse others, at a very amateur and rudimentary psychiatric level, as a way of distracting themselves from how fucked up they are themselves. If I wanted someone’s opinion on how my mind works and what I really need from life, I’d ask them. If not, then I’d suggest they iron out the problems of their own inner workings before jumping at the opportunity to criticise mine. Let’s see how bloody much they like it."


Yeah, you're right dude, I don't like it so much.

Nothing to do

I have no job.
No money.
No activity to par take in during the day.
I can't afford to go out at night.
I spend my days alone and my nights with my family, but mostly alone.

I'm slowly getting used to this being alone business. Which terrifies me.

There are three things keeping me entertained right now,
-An entire episode and season run-through of The Hills on MTV.
-Watching streamed films on my laptop that I search for based on jumping from actors, directors and writers. (This had become addictive)
-And lastly, Mahjong Titans. It used to be spider solitaire, but I got bored with the thing cos I never lost but the next difficulty level was impossible. I was stuck in a limbo, it was unpleasant.

The Hills is mind numbing but, I like it. I always have done, really, but currently, I'm addicted. But if that isn't on, I'm left to the many wonders, archives and stupid search engines of the Internet. Expanding my knowledge on film new, old, well known and rare. I now know that Melissa Joan Hart created a fifteen minute short film about a young girl sabotaging her sister's wedding because she had had an affair with the groom.
Searching for said short film led me to find a young gentleman by the name of Del, and his blog.
Another thing that's keeping me sane. Two minutes into reading said material, I suddenly realised it was in fact two hours later. I'm not even sure if or how that sentence made any sense but the point I'm trying to make is, how time flies.

I wish someone would read this and share it with the world. Unfortunately, I think I have about five readers and so, they are the only world I'll be reaching with this. A world, however, I'd be very lonely and unhappy without.

It's funny how people want others to read their blogs and yet the concept of them is technically one of privacy. You want your private thoughts to be known to complete strangers, and that's alright? Chris once told me that his blog was for no more than general witty banter, which I have to say is very well written general banter, but all the same he's right, he doesn't want to share with anyone he doesn't know. I get that, because he barely shares with me. Then you have people like Alex who go into detail with how they're feeling, what they're thinking, the works, he writes down, not to sound cliche but, his soul. He pours out almost his everything. Now, if gc had the same amount of viewers I'm sure he'd have equal amounts of readers.
Reading gc's blog makes me smile and laugh to myself, it reminds me of how talented he is, lazy but talented. To an outsider, I would imagine it would make you want to know him more. Reading Alex's blog makes you feel like you already know him, it makes me feel closer to him after having not spoken in a while, it makes me feel as though I'm a part of his life when maybe we're both a bit distant. But either way, it makes me feel.
Intellectually stimulated? Or feeling? And those are the differences.

And then you have Mhazz who's just an insane little girl that I (and everyone else) adore. Her blog is somewhere in between. Emotion with little detail. Things she's thinking but only parts.
Mhairi and the way she writes is like a painting you have to look at for a while. Something to stare at to realise that a lot of energy and time and passion was put into it, but it explains nothing. You have to make up your own side.

I just psycho-analysed my friends by the way they type. Shoot me.

By the way, if you find the reason you're reading this is because you have nothing to do, much like myself and the subject of the blog you're currently reading, go on the website tv-links and search for a film called Wristcutters. Don't let the name fool you, this film is one of the most amazing pieces of creative output I have ever seen. Which may say something about my taste in movies, but whatever, you've got nothing to do.

Sunday 17 August 2008

A change

For the better.
These unexpected two weeks have been the most influencial weeks of my life so far, or so I think. I feel refreshed, although ill, happy for the most part and even though I'm still having ups and downs, the downs are less frequent.
I've finally seen the things in my life that I need to change and this time, I actually want to.
God is good.
Some of you are going to really dislike this part of me but if it's something in my life that's keeping me up and happy and alright, then I don't see why or how it could be seen as a bad thing.

On a more horrid note, NO ONE has actually seemed to care that I've been gone, geez guys don't call or text at all, that's fine. Like, that really bugs me about some of my mates, they will just stop caring about some one unless they're around all the time or unless they're the ones making the effort, otherwise they just don't really give a crap. Not everyone, just some people. But, I am here on my own, so I am saying now that I'd really appreciate it if someone gave me a ring at some point, it's a bit lonely at times. Never past 12, though, I am not at all nocturnal here, I have to be making breakfast at 6:45. Yummy...
Also, youstage moving WHAT!? Some one please ring and explain.

Love love love love love LOOOVVVEEEE

Sunday 10 August 2008

Soul Survivor

I leave in a few minutes, so this is pretty dashed, my rents are just making coffee for the journey there.

I have so much stuff. Odd that if you're camping on your own you seem to take as much with you as if there were four of you. I've been bought food by my parents and I'll be few while I'm there anyway for free, so that's nice. I'll come back a few stone heavier.

Right, anyway, I'll blog when I'm there I guess, at some point anyway.

Gotta go, right now! See ya, text me if you know it =]]]]
I'll appreciate it on my own tonight :)

BYE!

Friday 8 August 2008

IDEA!!!

I know who I'm going to give my voucher card thingy to.
I know he'll appreciate it and I already owe him more than I should. He's an awesome guy and completely legend.

I'll give it to him today, oh gosh! I can't repay enough for what he's done and currently I can't repay him at all. But I will! And this is just my way of promising that I will, I'm no thief.

I wonder if he reads this or not, hmm.. Well I suppose I'll just find out =]]
Ooo, excited!

Thursday 7 August 2008

a few things.

I applied for the partner programme today.
I used to be very anti it because of the availablity people had to it. They're 'screening process' is bollocks and mostly non-existant. I liked the days when you were only made partner when you truely deserved it, and those few tubers that were partners were BIG. They had worked their way up and earned it. Unless, of course, we're talking about Smosh who simply got their big break for being two hot geeks. Hm, the things girls and creepy men will do for hot geeks.
Anyway, when they introduced the partner programme I swore to myself that I wouldn't sign up until I thought I'd earned it. So, I've gotten to a point where I was in a slight stand still with my videos and I don't like that - signing up to be a partner is part of my 'be more determined' plan. I want to be more determined to make videos, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. And I want to prove that I deserve it, so, for me, it's like a self reward AND and insinctive.

I'm going to the Vlog in the Park tomorrow. About which, I am very excited. I know that this gathering, in which not many people are going to, will be completely different from the others because it's based in a completely different place, with different intentions. So, although some of the aspects will be the same, I hope lots to start a new trend of individuality for gatherings. They're becoming a bit tedious.
Am I the only one who thinks we have too many these days? I mean, I'm all for meeting up, go for it, I'd love to see everyone all the time if I could! But arranging these big events that end up lasting longer and longer is just exhausting, and I hate realising that I can't go. They're always so expensive.

Also, I get to see Alex tomorrow. MEGA YAY.
I miss that boy so much. I'm going up with Drew, check this boy out --> www.youtube.com/DREWSCRUFF

PRIZES!

And let's face it, everyone loves those.
I want to do some sort of competition style thing in which I give a prize to someone. This said prize has been lying around my house since Christmas because neither me, nor my brother knew what to do with it. Well, that's a bit of a lie, we knew what to do but we just didn't.

iTunes cards with £15 credit. As I only just got an ipod and David didn't have one at all, we weren't exactly hugely up on the idea of taking up more space on our computers by downloading iTunes for absolutely no purpose. However, now I have a laptop with iTunes and an ipod, so yay! I'm going to use one of the cards.
But one of the cards I'm going to give away. Because I'm a giving sort of person. I was just going to give it to Alex because he's all loving of music and I know he'd appreciate a gift from me, but no. Competition sounded more fun, sorry Alex! Now, I just need to think of one.

Hmm... This could take a while...

Wednesday 6 August 2008

When.

Where is the line between someone you've met, friends, more than friends, and a relationship? And when does it become something that you're openly aware of? Most of the time, even if you're aware of a shift in status, the other person may not be. Then there's the lovely knowledge that you're both not going to discuss it.
What about having more feelings for someone than they do for you, or vice versa? Knowing you need to get out but you just can't shake them because either you're far too attached or you love the company and attention. Now, are you hurting yourself and the other person by staying close to them? Yes, probably. The worst part is you know it, so how do you equal the balance? Or, how do you let go without feeling like you've lost something?
Then, there's the lovely question of when can you become friends again after something's happened? I don't know. I never have done, because I want to think that I can be friends with everyone. So, with the other person there is little time of remorse and I simply move right back into friend status. As if nothing ever happened.
This, I've decided, is not a healthy route to go down. But, it's the only one I know. Being awkward and horrible isn't fun so keeping up appearances with smiles and nice gestures seems to be the only way I know how to handle such a situation.

I try to make other people happy. Especially when I know that I'm about to make them unhappy. Salvaging a situation, friendship and someone else's feelings, however, is a very hard thing to accomplish.

Thursday 31 July 2008

that sounds bad

I read the last post back and realised that I haven't painted the best picture of what Soul Survivor is. For now it does just sound like a Christian dating festival, however that's simply a side effect of shoving that many hormones into one place. And, believe it or not, a very polite, well mannered, mild side effect that would like a relationship afterwards if we don't live too far away, please.

Soul Survivor, in it's awesome totality, is, as I said before, a Christian festival that is filled with ten thousand young people from all over the country. It lasts two weeks, in two parts. Week A and week B, however this variates on what other events are going on around the time. It was set up and founded by the Soul Survivor church in Watford, where most of the people that run and organise the festival go as their place of worship. Many of the leaders are amazing musicians and making their living that way. Travelling musicians, talkers, comedians, etc - so many people - come and help to support this event, and participate in it's running. There are two main meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Seminars are run throughout the day and a few at night. you're not required to do, or go to anything though, it is all up to you. And the amount of non-Chrisitans I have met there is unbelievable, many of them find God through just being there and being part of it all but lots don't, they simply leave knowing more about God and Christianity and often, themselves.
Various cafes, a skate park and a market place are open all day as well, and well into the evening. The cafes are all different, and all offer their own atmospheres and enviroments. The skate park is literally that, with it's own cafe/chill out area. Some of the best skaters, boarders and riders I have seen, I've seen there. The market place is simply that, offering huge amounts of music, books, clothing, posters, LOADS of stuff. There are stalls set up telling people about what charities are going on and what things you can get involved in throughout the world and within England, including out of year and student programs.
Being on team means that you're working at the event, you get free entry and fed every meal all week. You're either working in the cafes, skate park, setting up, packing down, being a steward and controlling the meetings, enabling team, and so much more visible and behind the scenes. Not only is being on team really rewarding and available to those who, like me, are financially unstable at the moment, it also gives you a different bage for the week. Now, I didn't think this would make any difference to how my week would go last year BUT I found that people found it a lot easier to chat to me without wondering if it was odd to talk to someone they didn't know. People are doing this everywhere anyway but if you're wearing a bage and usually a teeshirt that incdicates you're on team, people tend to feel that it's easier to talk. This is amazing, I can't even explain it without repeating myself several times but it is an awesome thing to find people easily interacting with you.

On the whole, Soul Survivor is life changing, whether you're a Christian or not it is a real experience. Something unexplainable and like nothing else I have ever been through.

okay, alright

I'm not gone.
That didn't take too long. But I thought I'd bring to light my issues, not that I want to talk about them, just as a simple explanation for moods I may swing into. I have good and bad days, and within those days, I have good and bad moods. It doesn't take much but right now, I'm fine. Whatever, ignore it. I can't help but wanting to write when I'm not doing anything at home, read and write.

I had a realisation when exploring who I may see at Soul Survivor this year, most of my friends there are a culmination of boys scattered from different areas. This is no intentional thing, I like girls, I get on with girls, but I find myself needing to know them quite well or being initially wowed by their personality and this results in my not having very many female friends. Including the friends I make at Soul. But the friends I do make at Soul, regardless of gender tend to be ones that I stick with, get to know quite well and are always glad to see. And I get to see them every year at roughly the same time and observe how different they are to the last time we were at Soul. Some I occassionally meet up with throughout the year, which is nice because it really gives me someone outside of the church to be close with who's a Christian. Always a plus.
Ben Taylor I am particularly excited to see because this boy constantly is happy to see me, and treats me like there is no other girl in the world he'd like to give his attention to other than me. Which is lovely, plus we really connect on a level that I don't with a lot of people. Sure, we mess around and joke about but when we talk, we really do talk, mega deep conversations.

Soul Survivor is, inadvertedly, a Christian dating festival. A place to meet young Christians from all over the country - and further - and spend a week with them. This, unfortunately, is not excluding the opposite sex. Genders will mix, this is just natural. However, you stick roughly ten thousand 14-24 year olds in a giant field for a week and you're bound to get a drama or two, this generally takes the form of people pairing up.
Now, I see some of same people every year. You've got your preppy boys - a group of about six, they were a year, maybe two, older than me when I first encountered them and although it was clear they were strong Christians, girls were also an obvious hobby they couldn't ignore while at this faith enriching festival. The first year I was intrigued because they stood behind me during the first meeting of the week and did the most beautiful harmonies I had ever heard any male do. The year after that I saw them again and they vaguely remembered who I was from a brief encounter. Last year, they remembered me again, learnt my name and occassionally spoke to me. But I'm obviously not their type and so their attention was limited and girls who were size 8 and wearing topshop were much more intersting than trying to converse on even a mildly intelectual level with a girl on team who looked as though she'd just popped out of a skate clothing designed magazine. Apparently, that was me. Now, this would upset me somewhat if it weren't for having seen them flirting outrageously with every girl similar to the size 8 topshop wearing girls since I'd first met them.
Then, you have the outcasts. Now, I say this not because I consider them to be outcasts, but merely because that's what they are. Sadly, for people who don't fit in with the generic 'normal' persons that populate the earth, this does not change even in a place where you're supposed to accept all. And so, this group of eccentric, interesting, incredibly friendly and bright young adults get avoided like nobodies business. Consequently, if you show any interest amongst the boys of this group (and in some cases the girls) you get A LOT of attention back. They're people I get along with well, along with everyone else. Being on team last year meant I could discourage others from being impolite to these individuals, and conversation was made between people who would never even consider it.
The more recent group of people I've discovered are the ones that come back each year dressed in a new kind of fad. But bless them, they were the young ones when I no longer was, and society seems to affect their sense of fashion and everything 'cool' about them. They mix with themselves, each year bringing new people into their group that fit their criteria, but they're a nice bunch of boys and girls that liked me for some unexplainable reason. One little one, adored by all - including me - has a new summer romance each year, leaving her permenantly attached to whoever is overcome by her immense cuteness. She's the heart throb of their little pack.
Many more different stereotypes come into this but I'm sure you can imagine it all. Everyone's very accepting of everyone else, with some few exceptions. But, otherwise, Soul Survivor has it's own The OC-esque drama going on, as if it were a school or an episode of The Hills.

None the less, I can not wait to see the people I miss. Get back into God, as I said last year as well. Enjoy the general awesomeness that everyone should experience of such an amazing place, it is something truely fantastic. I leave on the 10th.

And then Sinead is coming to see me on the 18th, so that's nice too.

Tuesday 29 July 2008

Side note

I never sleep well anymore.

I either wake up constantly, can't sleep at all or have really strange dreams that leave me feeling exhausted. I researched some stuff on recent behavior including these dreams, I didn't like what I found.

Done.

It's not goodbye.

This may not actually happen, but I think I'm going to take a break for a while, from everything and everyone. For a long time I've been feeling... Well, I can't really describe what I'm feeling. But I feel as though suddenly my hard drive of a world is crashing and I can't really handle all of it.
The only way I can possibly explain it is by saying that I'm action packed with issues. These said issues have been brought to the surface more recently and it's really affecting how I am with myself, other people and in social settings. My mind is full of thoughts all the time, most of them pessimistic and I can't see how I'm ever going to find answers to any of the questions constantly battling in my head, mostly because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them.
I know there are so many people who would sit and listen and be patient with me, not even to give advice or judge but just to listen but for once in my life, I'm struggling to find the words. So, I've decided to look into therapy, counselling, some one to talk to who might be able to figure out what I feel and why.

I went out tonight to the Reg and Route. Had an argument with one of my best friend's, Neil, on the phone, wanted to leave then but didn't. Got to Route, wanted to leave then because it was boring but didn't. Two people that I did not want to see in the same situation were both there, which was painfully awkward and after having one give me serious words I had a panic attack followed by me coming home. He'll probably read this now, and want something of an explanation as to who the other person was, but it's complicated.
The weird thing is that when I was in Route, I stood on my own, I wanted to break down and I couldn't figure out why. There, in that place that I love, were loads of my mates, some of the greatest people I know, packed full of people to meet, with awesome music and I stood on my own and watched it all. I felt this huge urge to talk to some one I love, some one who just kinda gets me even thought they don't know what to say to some of the things I have to say, and out of a few people who I adore that were there, the only person I wanted was some crazy ginger Scottish twat. I didn't even want to talk to you, I just wanted you to be there, or just with you anywhere. I can't explain it, I won't even try to.

Anyway, my phone's dying a slow and painful death. So, I'm going to be a bit cut off for a bit. I'll lurk on the side lines but for now, I'm gone.

Monday 28 July 2008

Viewers

I realised a while ago that I really don't know who reads my blog; I, at first, was under the impression that no one did. I find myself fascinating because I'm an arrogant self-absorbed bitch, but I didn't anyone else shared this sentiment. That actually just translates into, I needed somewhere to write some crap when I got bored and I didn't think anyone else thought anything I had to say was in the slightest bit interesting. Even in person, it's a boarder.
However, this thought came up again when I was thinking about which encounter from my inserts to write about first. I've thought of many I could put in for the first time read, some who may read this, some who may not. I have a friend who made subtle hints for about three hours that he read my blog, something that he clearly found hilarious - the welsh are odd. I could write about him, but I can't see that as fair, I want the stories to have some amount of animosity.
I still don't have one to put up, yet, though. Nothing feels worthy enough to share.
I'll get there, the inner workings of my mind will be revealed a little more. But, hopefully, not loads. I can't have people finding out what a sexual pervert I am, that and I'm actually a complete and utter idiot. Ah, most of you probably knew that anyway.

OH! And I quit my job. I lost a few things this week, it's been... eventful.

Thursday 24 July 2008

I just don't get asked

Ever felt like you can get left out of your circles of friends?
And then you see pictures, hear stories and then they wack out the hilarious videos that you don't care about because they left you out of all of it.
You're immediate reaction is - what wanks.
But it shouldn't be, not really.

I don't know how I got to this point but I cannot seem to find a nice medium between my offline friends and my online friends. As soon as my offline life starts going well, that's when things fuck up elsewhere and I don't know what to do.
I mis everyone so much. I'm like the missing queen of youtube, but this time I'm not crying, I'm not upset in the same way; I'm resentful. Why wasn't I invited to things? Why don't I know all these people really well? Why don't people come visit me?

How selfish can I be? I know... But I can't help it. I feel like I'm being completely outcasted from the group that I only just became a part of.

bollocksbollocksbollocks.

The youtube lot are like 'true friend' stylie, so why do I feel so left out? I really hate looking at pictures or blogs about when a group of them met up or something because not only am I not in those ones, but I'm not even in the pictures of the meet ups that I do go to. I don't get it.
I don't like me right now (PLEASE, COULD I POSSIBLY SOUND ANYMORE PATHETIC!?) and I hate the way things are happening around me. I need to sort it out.

Oh, and I'm quitting my job.
In the next couple of days.

Wednesday 23 July 2008

my apologies

I'm not actually that angry.
And so I apologise for alerting people to my anger/upsetness. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Of course, in a world when fine is in fact not fine at all and I'm killing myself trying to come across as okay. The phrases "I'm fine" and "I'll be alright" have been used in copious amounts in the past five days. Anyway, don't ask, I don't want to talk about it. I'm fine, I'll be alright and the only people I really want to discuss anything on any matters of me not being fine is gc and sin.

I'm going to start doing inserts of a new theme. On a subject I discussed with Alex; throughout this series of short stories, if you will, some may be true, some may not. Either way, comments can be freely made, but I will not be made to feel ashamed of anything I write, whether it's the truth or not there will be some truth in it and my mistakes that I include have been made and made me who I am today. I am stronger because of what I've done, good or bad.

The Secret Confessions of a.... We'll decide at a later date shall we?

Monday 21 July 2008

right, well

I hate everyone, pretty much.
There's really specific things that can piss me off really quickly, otherwise I'd say I'm quite a cheery person and not easily annoyed but in this situation I'm just fucked off and want to kick some one in the eye!

What a fucking dicky wank stain fuck shit face douche bag.

I hope you fall on your face.
Generally, I don't, but right now I really really do.

FUCK.

Sunday 20 July 2008

Rule of thumb

I know that there's supposed rule that whoever your manager is, you will probably feel some amount of hate for them due to the fact that they're your manager and that means they get to be as dicky to you as they like and you have to put up with it.
Thing is, my manager, on the whole is alright. Well, no, certain aspects of him are alright. He's funny, entertaining, easy going but strict - but fair. SOMETIMES.
With me, he's like that part of the time and then, occassionally, decides to turn into crazy ass really stupidly bad manager - I could sue you, you bastard -crazy abusive person.
I'm all for discipline, go for it. And in his mind this means he'll yell for a little bit and then get over it. BUT when you start yelling and lecturing and telling me that, "At 18 you know nothing, and in the grand scheme of life and everything YOU ARE nothing" that's when it crosses the line over into abusive, harsh, and just a bit too much. Especially when he's going to go around saying things like that to me in front of other people at work, including customers.

All this because it was my last half hour of work, a couple came in, the front of the restuarant was empty and I, on autopilot by this time and not really thinking about it, sat them there. While doing so I suddenly thought about the fact that I had a completely empty section and that it was really stupid of me to put them there. Oh, but it was too late! I turned round to support manager, who's section it was, and my lovely boss man looking at me as though I was a complete idiot. This was then followed with questioning of why I did such a stupid thing, how could I possibly be so lazy, and then followed up with several different variations on the basic comment of "you're a liar" after I told him I didn't do it intentionally thinking that I would end up not having to take the table. I even said I would take them now and that it was a genuine mistake, but, no, it was too late. I was now in a web of "I hate blaggers" and "you're pathetic and lazy", along with a lovely helping of "I'm going to get rid of you".

Love, please do so! You're a dick and I've been wanting to leave for a LONG time. The only reason I stay is because it's convinient and would give me an easy job to take up to uni with me.


So, upon leaving - which was a God send - Support Manager comes on out into the car park, stomps over to the car that I'm in and says in a very chavy *you startin'!?* kinda way, "Have you got something to say to me Anna!? Right, if you're going to call me a bitch you might want to make sure I'm not in the next room!" And then stomped promptly away and back into the restuarant again. Oh dear. And this, people, is all down to stupid people that I work with. Another girl who's employed there having the exact same name as said support manager, I mentioned this particular girl in conversation before leaving and merely said that I thought she was a bitch to me, didn't like me and was generally horrible to me. Which she is.

I HATE EVERYONE.

Friday 18 July 2008

let the crazy out

Once I bit my mate and he got really angry and started yelling at me and telling me I was a freak and really weird and I was just laughing at him being angry and then I just started crying half way through the laughing.

There were about four other people there, embarrassing. But, mainly just

CRAZY....

Thursday 17 July 2008

oh, right

Well, I just found a mind expandingly awesome way to get over my "I am actually a girl with hormones, sometimes I act like it, so I'm going to freak out about something because that's how I FEEL" moment.

No, I do not mean mind expanding drugs, but instead a unhealthy dollop of pretentious twat barking literary wank. Which should be written more regularly, it has more truth than the author realises, and generally excells in the realm of decent material to read on the internet. Which, as a generalised rule, is non-existant. The internet? Seriously, porn and whiney annoying slags.
Now, you don't have to understand what that means, but if you do then you'd either find it hilarious because it's somewhat true and I'm bitch OR you're merely one person in particular and so you're probably offended but mostly likely slightly impressed at my nonsensical ramblings, also. Not to mention, you always like a bit of a attention(especially in my blog).


Not only did that make very little sense, it also just goes to show that girls are fun. Within the same day we can write a blog consisting of sliding opposite moods.

Eventually

As soon as I got back I was thrusted into going out every night and seeing people constantly.
I'm very tired.

But, in result, there will be no long winded story of my egypt travels. Unless I type out what I wrote down.

I've realised something; I'm terrified of change. Not with things around me, mostly, but with my own thoughts and feelings about things. I keep telling myself things in my head and then tell myself to stop thinking because if I was confident I wouldn't think about it at all, not in this way anyway.
I'm scared that things will be different, I'm scared of holding on but I'm scared of the loss if I let go. I need reassurance, I'm losing touch. I'm trying so hard to be positive and I'm totally excited but, still, I'm scared. I don't want it to be different than before, I like it the way things are now.

I'm just so fucking scared.

I'm not used to this, this normal thing that everyone's done or is doing and I never have. I feel like a little girl.

Friday 11 July 2008

Back from Egypt

I learnt a while back that a lot can happen in a couple of days when I went away for a weekend and was shocked at all the drama that took place while I was gone.

Ten days I piss off for...

Everything's fucking fallen apart, huh?
Some one needs to bloody well explain to me what the fuck went wrong. This is why you don't get too close in groups of people like this, things mess up. And they get easier to mess up, the closer you get. But I guess that's life.

Seriously though, ten fucking days.

Saturday 28 June 2008

odd song lyrics

"'Cause big girls don't cry..."

Yes, they do. We really fucking do.

Thursday 26 June 2008

rediscovered

Amy Studt.

She's a bit awesome.

Wednesday 25 June 2008

Epiphany.

It is in my friend Housie's opinion that "hot girls...fact.... are ALWAYS taken"

My response to this was "It's the hot girls that you think are nice as well that are always taken, the one's you think are funny and clever and interesting."
But ever thought that maybe it's not the case at all, that actually the one's you just think are hot are actually interesting and funny and clever and perfect for you BUT you'll never know, because there's a completely different frame of mind for both of you if you're both single.

This got us onto the discussion of why you're more attracted to those people who always turn out to be taken, because it's not a physcological thing of, only liking them more after you've realised, you really like them - concious decision - and then the blow of them being in a relationship pops up. BUT they're always so nice that you want to be around them anyway.

This really got me thinking about why. I came to this conclusion.
When you're single, there is more pressure to impress. You subconciously, or conciously, hide certain features of your life, personality, etc in a way that you think improves yourself on a first impression basis. With a first encounter with an attractive male, I used to not mention right off the back that I am a huge youtube geek and enjoy posting videos on the internet, chatting to people I've met on the internet and arranging to meet up with said people, that I met on the internet. It doesn't exactly ooze cool, or that I - to the ignorant attractive person i'm likely to meet out one night - consider my safety in a huge way.
However, and this is where you think about how unintentionally fake everyone is, since I've been with Chris I've had no inclination to hide anything about who I am. In conversation with new guys I've suddenly realised how much more open and comfortable I am and I've had a lot more attention too. Whether these two are connected, I'm not entirely sure BUT if my theory on how much you give away about yourself depending on your relationship status is correct, I imagine it probably is.

This, people, is why the taken characters we meet are so much more desireable. If you're in a happy, committed relationship you have nothing to lose, if I chat to some one and they decide that they don't like me then fuck 'em, that's fine - I've not lost or gained anything from them thinking that I'm not someone they'd like to get to know because I've got my friends, sure I'd love to make more, but the one's I've got are perfectly dandy, and I've got Chris and I am by no means looking or wanting for anyone else but him.

Me and Housie have never had such an in-depth conversation.

That's all, really.

stare.

Now, I live near this city called Chichester. It's got two very well known theatres in it, one more than the other. This evening my mother, father and myself went to the more prestigeous theatre to see The Music Man.
Right, let me explain that one of the main reasons this theatre is so well known is because so many famous people have performed there and, in this theatre and city, many famous people have been spotted to be there. So, my mum, first thing, goes "Ooo, look! It's *insert name here*!" I was only vaguely aware of who the person was; famous actress, ice skater, etc. I'm just a little ignorant, apparently. Anyway, you'd have thought that this woman would have attracted lots of attention. Oh, no! Not really.
I, on the other hand, being somewhat of an amazon woman AND wearing heels - they're only small but they make me look very slim and... nice - managed to attract the attention of every man who walked past me, of every age - most of them being pensioners, GET IN!
And generally was oggled at with most curious people, I can imagine their thought process now...

"FUCK, SHE'S TALL. BLOODY HELL, SHE'S TALLER THAN ME, AND THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE WITH HER!! EVEN THE MAN! ARE THOSE HER PARENTS?? CHRIST."

Now, if you imagine that voice being said very loudly in a rather cockney accent, that's how I expect all posh pretencious toffs sound like in their inner monologue. Ah, being a snob is fun.

So, yes. I attract more attention in large crowds than famous people you will never see again, due to my extreme height. Laugh it up.

Tuesday 24 June 2008

Anticipation

I go on holiday to Egypt in about five days. The prospect is terrifying...
I don't even know why, it's holiday; so why am I sort of dreading it? I hate the thought that this, what would normally be, enjoyable situation makes me feel horrible and like it's just a way of killing time before I get to do other stuff this summer. GHEY.

Went to Reg and Route last night with some mates. Was a really good night, Rosie had to leave though, so that sucked. But in Reg before Route I felt weird; going out is now something that is totally normal now. Something that I considered normal but only did occassionally, I now do all the time and it really does give me a very strange feeling; especially when I noticed that I didn't have butterflies of excitement anymore. It's still nice to go out, and I'm sure specific occassions I will get that feeling but still...
But I totally wouldn't mind doing Route regularly because it's full of my friends, cheap alocohol, I've met amazing people and I LOVE DANCING. With Rosie I'll dance to anything but by myself (yeah, shut up) or mainly with the guys I turn into another person; dancing to really heavy stuff that I love. I become one of the guys, which I am anyway, but more so. They get a little conflicted... -one of the guys... but girl dancing!? Confused!!!- Bless them.

I FUCKING MISS PEOPLE. And it's driving me insane.
And they always come up in conversations I have with people. For example, last night, talking about how to define attractive boys and who we knew who was 'classically good looking' and Rosie brought up our mate Charlie who was merely eye candy for a year until I decided I was going to actually talk to him; really nice guy, little arrogant (understatement), and looks a tad like David Tennent. NO! I'm sorry, but I HAD to insist that Liam is overwhelmingly better looking and looks more like David Tennent than Charlie. AND HE'S SCOTTISH! [obsession is slightly worrying] Also, Charlie is WAY to skinny.

EWWW!

Ah, I love you all who I don't get to see these days. You all appreciate me so much more than most of the people I get to see every day.

Anna

Monday 23 June 2008

Touched


I just finished watching Kidulthood.
My face is still wet.

Through two days in their lives when every action became crucial to the next step that was taken. This film is defined by 'every action has a reaction'. And people upset are rarely forgiving.

The last two minutes were epic, it was like I was actually there. You know how some films just seem to not really work, you don't really believe them, 'cause they completely fail to emotionally grab you and you haven't connected with the characters? Even the minor ones, I still felt for them.
I really can't explain everything about it, I just feel as though I've been dropped in the situation briefly and then pulled right back out again.

Anna

Sunday 22 June 2008

The List

Things to do during the summer:
- buy at least five new cds
- get another tattoo
- fill up my ipod with songs (just bought - get it in a couple of days)
- go somewhere on my own
- have an amazing time in egypt with jem
- go to liquid for the first time
- see Chris and Sinead and EVERYONE at least twice
- go to the upstaged supermegaawesomereally HUGE youtube gathering
- try and find an acting job
- have/go to a beach party
- go to Sin City with Rosie
- make ammends with Brandon and regain our friendship
- come back to God
- apply for SG and then look into it further if accepted
- stare at the stars with someone
- try and go to soul survivor so as to not break my tradition
- try and decide vaguely on a uni without just the want of being closer to Scotland

I may add more, but that's the list so far.
I want to get some things done this summer and these are them.

Anna

word vomit.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and in every way possible exhausted.
And yet, it's quarter to five in the morning as I write this and I can't find the determination to sleep. I literally feel as though if I tried to sleep, despite my exhaustion, I wouldn't be able to.

I read Alex's blog. It made me think about a lot of things.
ONE, I have a very big mouth and, for some reason, enjoy the thrill of embarrassing others by sharing something they said to only me in front of other people.
Or, perhaps this is just Alex. He told me my best guy friend was hot. Like really hot, and he meant it. But we both agreed that a lot of the people we know, internet and not, are some of the most beautiful people because they're normal. Not conventional, as such, just the kind of person you'd meet down your road, a friend you've had forever and never noticed, someone you met in the park some random summer evening. Beautiful.

Neil is like this. Neil is the epitimy of this, he is my boy next door - living literally round the corner from me. We argue, he's inconsiderate, I'm rather rude to him, we're there for each other always, he hates that despite his - perhaps - higher inteligence I can still out smart him with mere wit. Everything I hate about him, I love, and vice versa. The worst thing of all? I know that whether I showed up on his door step in ten minutes or ten years, he'd still hug me, he'd still look at me the way he always does, and he would still want to kiss me. Yeah, there was a two year period where our friendship was not this complicated.

I think he see's me as even more desireable now, compared to before. Because now, whatever my past and previous 'chosen lifestyle' - as he so delicately put it - I've got Chris. I'm completely committed to someone who's 600 odd miles away from me and he the only guy who fills my thoughts, I have no urge for anyone else.
Speaking of my lovely past, today at work we somehow got into a conversation about how many people we'd slept with. Now, this used to be something I'd boast about, when the number was lower. I am not, in any way, proud of how I used to be. I was a bit of a slut in my own right, but did it with such subtlety after a while that no one noticed, that started off as something I did because I realised they were private things. Then, it was out of shame. I became so ashamed of the way I lived that I stopped telling my best friends when I had sex. Now, I don't know if you've ever been a teenage girl before but, this is something you tell in detail to your close friends and giggle and compare and... I stopped doing it.
Thing is, on being told that I had, not proudly, slept with more people than the girl who engaged the conversation, she turned around and said, "How could YOU have slept with more people than ME?"
Wow.
I think she kind of gave herself the answer through her question.

But this got me thinking, I didn't used to be a very nice girl. And then something happened. I'm not even sure what, it wasn't a defining moment, it wasn't a particular experience, I just suddenly sat there listening to Rosie talk about her sex life and the many boys she juggles - bless her - and I suddenly burst out, "Rosie, I don't remember who with or when the last time I had sex was!" I realise this sounds like a terrible statement, but it meant I had stopped thinking about it, I wasn't interested, I wasn't keeping count anymore - only a bastard keeps count. Anyway, soon after that it became kind of horrible to sit there and listen to people talk about sex. Not only did I have no interest, in even the topic, I had no desire to hear about it, talk about it, or even think about it. The mere idea made me cringe. Then... then it became a few months and now it's been 6. And I still have very little desire to have sex. Well... weird topic right now.


My friend Jem has serious issues with people, letting them in, trusting them, etc. Her current view on relationships is secretly, and only to me, very bleak. Which is apalling because she has a boyfriend who loves her very much and she loves him too.
On friday she told me the news that a couple we knew from her local had split up. Two years, living together and engaged, and it just ended, just like that. I was genuinely shocked, neither of us saw that one coming. Jem's view on this was that you never knew when something's going to end, when some one's going to one day stop loving you or when things might change.
I was absolutely, I think disgusted is the right emotion, at actually maintaining those thoughts about relationships. It's like going into one and thinking that it's not going to last - what the fuck is the point??
It made me a little scared that it is just easy for people to stop feeling the same way, emotions can change. But, relationships are also about trust and commitment, especially one with the amount of distance me and Chris have. I wouldn't have kept this up with him for this long if I didn't want it to last, or if I wasn't serious about it and I know he wouldn't either. I just can't imagine how somone could have those pessimistic views on life, love and people and be happy; you wouldn't be. And that's sad.


MARATHON BLOG! Major thought, my bad.
This took me half an hour to write. Crumbs.

Anna