Everything about the female species in every way is meant to be fragile. In appearance we're all soft, in speech we're all soft, in movement we're (mostly) all soft. Generally we're just all soft.
But I'm hardly a delicate flower.

I feel like on the internet you can't express unhappiness, it gets shot down with, "get over it."

Well, you know what. I'm a little bit not okay. That's all. I just needed to get that out somewhere. And with the knowledge that not many people read this, it felt safe.

love? pfft.

It's no lie to say that when I like someone, I like them a LOT.
Experience has taught me to not let my guard down, ever, and so usually I don't. I'm pretty sure this one is the first one to hit me hard since GC. Because I just haven't cared since then, not really, not enough.

Whenever I let my guard down for even a second, I always get burnt. Whenever I stop putting up a defence between my emotions and my actions it always seems to go completely tits up for me.

So what's better, lovers? Is it worse to have had that love and held on to it, even if you lost it in the end? Or is it worse to have never even experieneced it?

Young though I may be, and stupid as I know it sounds - because, trust me, I do - I have never experienced love(romantic love). And it's made me a complete cynic.

party hard.

I have a million and one things to say but I'm sure I should never divluge what I've been up to of late.

I'll give you hints, though.
I went to a party, more of an adult party than the teenage hissy fit puke competition parties I've attended in the past (not all the time but, come on, we all know that's most of them). No, no, this was more... interesting than any of those ones have ever proved. It was out in the sticks, a village just outside of a city in Kent not too far from my lovely new home.
I went with Jess and Y. I was probably the only single girl there, and definitely the youngest, by far.

I can now never stand for anyone accusing me of being inexpereienced.
But if the entire night has taught me anything, it's that I like the old me better than this new me. I've changed, and I know I have. I think I'll go back to the way I was, I was happier then.

Enter, D..

No internet still after a week and a half. For flip sake, the university is supposed to provide so I feel I should be provided with such things.

Right, so! Jess had planned a trip to a rave in Broadstairs; another outer campus that specialises in mostly music and music related subjects. She invites me along, for which I was very excited and the plan was to trek down with Paliev and good times to be had by all. Please enter, D.
D is a boho hippie child in his own right - makes a lot of good music, smokes a lot of weed and raves like a mad man. Good laugh. Charming on first meet, and second meet for a matter of fact. Eyes that could kill, and I swear they did, a little bit. He looked at me as though I was the most beautiful thing in the entire place; intense.
Unfortunately, as the way of the world is with me usually, he had a girlfriend. Perfect. Flirt flirt flirt all night and then the next day I got the old, "it's complicated". I get that, I've done that, most things in life are seen as complicated - even if they're usually not. Which, they're usually not.
Perhaps I'm just bitter.
So, I was totally fine with this, I've met guys who flirt with me way more than he has done and they've been engaged and other similar committed situations.
We were invited to a house party for the next evening and attended willingly, if still slightly recovering from the previous messy rave night. D was going to be there and I, honestly, could not wait to see him again. Just normal conversation with him made me all happy and buzzed. We went, it was interesting/hectic/messy/drunken and filled with "terrible mistakes" (remember that one, that one comes back later on, as well).
I, like the fool that I am when intoxicated, fell into bed with a boy I barely know - Shep. Seriously, could I be any more stupid when I'm drunk? I am, by no means, blaming the alcohol, I just blame the way I am when I get drunk. So, I probably shouldn't drink that much any more. Ever. Silly, silly, SILLY girl = ME!
This, however, didn't seem to hinder D's attention to me, even though his girlfriend was there at the party. The rest of the night was a blur of conversations, me crying briefly (I'm not usually a drunk cryer, I just felt slightly foolish and embarrassed, I got over it quickly), smoking FAR too much and wondering where me and Jess were going to crash for the night; we were temporarily homeless.
Anyway, getting bored of this now...

We found somewhere to stay, D and two of his house mates came with to said place and hung out for a bit. D ended up asking for a place to fall asleep in, dragged me into some guys bed with him to JUST sleep - honest, nothing bad went on! We talked for about an hour and a half for nothing and everything and then he kissed me and we talked some more and then passed out.
The next day was a blow.
He texted me, "sorry, this has all been a terrible mistake".

He has stopped speaking to me and deleted me from facebook.
I mean how petty can one person be? I mean for goodness sake, grow a flippin' back bone, D. Oh, and his girlfriend broke up with him. Well done, you've got everything you wanted, D.
I really hope he reads this, and then gets a bit of a slap of reality. I'm still here to be friends with him, he ditched me.

Irritating

I want to hit girls who are painfully attractive, and go out with painfully attractive boys, who were in the year above me at school and flirted with me once when they were drunk in a pub on a student night a couple of weeks ago.


Stupid drunk boys..

Only slightly awkward

So!
I rang C and asked her if we were okay enough that I wouldn't make her, or my, evening awkward by being at the pub tonight - very mature of me, I think.
"Look, I just didn't want to lie to you or anything, you don't have to worry about things being awkward."
The entire minute's conversation was super awkward but then, considering our last incounter and the subject content, this was unsurprising.

I feel a lot better, though. If she still feels bitter then that's sad, and it's upsetting knowing things will never be quite as merry as they once were, but at least I know that I can spend my last evening untroubled. Mostly.

I'm a very troubled 19 year old girl.

A nicer feeling

Mildly contradicting myself inwardly now.
Another of my friends has come forward and told me how horrible I am in certain situations - let's call her C, and the other one R.
R and C live together in a shared flat with two others (cue Paul and Person Who Hates Me). They only know each other because of me and Rosie, because we're fun people who like to bring others together, yay!
So, me and R have made up and everything's fine and dandy, but only to the extent that nothing will ever be the same because in the back of my head all I can think about is that he basically told me, he isn't angry at me anymore because I'm not worth getting angry over. So.. I don't really matter to him? Or something.
He has also informed me that C is super angry at me, to the extent that a simple apology will not suffice. Why she did not tell me this herself I cannot fathom, something to do with not wanting to ruin my holiday at home or - whatever, I hate it when people keep junk from me that's about me, it's as bad as lying. In my opinion, anyway.
SOOO! I go to C, after being informed she's very angry, and she tells me that I've, "lost touch with how to treat people" and I'm "a great friend when it's just her and maybe a few others", but basically I'm a shit friend every other time - so, any social occasion we go to? Because it seems like I, "get bored really quickly and find someone else more interesting".
Apparently, it's not only her and R who think this and get this treatment from me! No no, it's Rosie and Step, too, just to name a couple.

I don't mean to sound so mocking. Kind of. But I've been hurt, quite simply, and feel the need to express this hurt.
At first I felt... well, a lot of things. She said, and has said before, some horrible horrible things to me. I didn't think about it when she's said anything before but I honestly don't know how anything will ever be okay between us again. I've basically been told my faults, in a vicious manner, and she's expressed her not wanting me to change who I am. So, the only possible outcome is I alter myself slightly and/or she gets to a point where she can not be angry at me anymore. But even when that happens, I will forever have the knowledge of all the things she's said (by the way, I love that song! I'm totally gunna go listen to it now).

When I realised this, I suddenly was less unhappy. I cried a flippin' lot, but Teddy spoke to me (Teddy would be my favourite boy ever) and made me feel better and reminded me that I've still got him and other people and a place to escape to, even if I don't always like it there.
If she ever needs me I will always be there. But I doubt I'll go running to her any time soon; the girl who claimed she was my REAL friend, (as opposed to all those imaginary ones I've got running about) friends don't do what she did.
So, the contradiction (inwardly) is that even though I'm like :( I'm also like :) which is weird.
Do you like that even though this was all rather "woe is me", I still managed to make some jokes? Yeah, me too.

IMPORTANT: I would like to note that it's not like I've not ever messed up or whatever, I have. Totally. But I admit that. And apologised for those things. I'm tired of apologising.

Hello 2010

I'm just going to say it. Everything I've wanted to for ages because I just can't do this anymore.
I have a friend - and this effects my other friend's opinions - who clearly thinks I'm an absolutely rubbish friend. I try. I really flippin' do; I'd like to think I'm quite a good friend, really, but nothing is ever enough for him.
It's like I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say, what I do, how I act because if I let me guard down for one second I've messed up again.
He hates going to clubs with me because I'm a bit of a social butterfly - but he knows I am. So, he tells me he hates it, tells me he doesn't want to go to clubs with me anymore and then when I go to a club and don't invite him he gets pissed at me. THAT DOESN'T WORK! Also, I'm sorry, but if I was going somewhere I usually ask who else is going and/or tell them to come along but this never happens the other way around with him. If he goes to the pub or anywhere I probably go to also I don't get an invitation - why? Surely, that's not fair.
I get sulked at because I haven't asked him to hang out with me yet, but when has he done it? Even once since I've been back in Portsmouth? Well, he hasn't! So, when I ask to hang out with him now it's replied in a begrudging way like I've pissed him off again but apparently, his words = "it's too much effort to be angry with you".
I'm sick of this. It's exhausting feeling like I've constantly messed up a friendship.

This is terribly written, I don't care. I'm so tired of it all. I don't know what to do.