Thursday 31 July 2008

that sounds bad

I read the last post back and realised that I haven't painted the best picture of what Soul Survivor is. For now it does just sound like a Christian dating festival, however that's simply a side effect of shoving that many hormones into one place. And, believe it or not, a very polite, well mannered, mild side effect that would like a relationship afterwards if we don't live too far away, please.

Soul Survivor, in it's awesome totality, is, as I said before, a Christian festival that is filled with ten thousand young people from all over the country. It lasts two weeks, in two parts. Week A and week B, however this variates on what other events are going on around the time. It was set up and founded by the Soul Survivor church in Watford, where most of the people that run and organise the festival go as their place of worship. Many of the leaders are amazing musicians and making their living that way. Travelling musicians, talkers, comedians, etc - so many people - come and help to support this event, and participate in it's running. There are two main meetings a day, one in the morning and one in the evening. Seminars are run throughout the day and a few at night. you're not required to do, or go to anything though, it is all up to you. And the amount of non-Chrisitans I have met there is unbelievable, many of them find God through just being there and being part of it all but lots don't, they simply leave knowing more about God and Christianity and often, themselves.
Various cafes, a skate park and a market place are open all day as well, and well into the evening. The cafes are all different, and all offer their own atmospheres and enviroments. The skate park is literally that, with it's own cafe/chill out area. Some of the best skaters, boarders and riders I have seen, I've seen there. The market place is simply that, offering huge amounts of music, books, clothing, posters, LOADS of stuff. There are stalls set up telling people about what charities are going on and what things you can get involved in throughout the world and within England, including out of year and student programs.
Being on team means that you're working at the event, you get free entry and fed every meal all week. You're either working in the cafes, skate park, setting up, packing down, being a steward and controlling the meetings, enabling team, and so much more visible and behind the scenes. Not only is being on team really rewarding and available to those who, like me, are financially unstable at the moment, it also gives you a different bage for the week. Now, I didn't think this would make any difference to how my week would go last year BUT I found that people found it a lot easier to chat to me without wondering if it was odd to talk to someone they didn't know. People are doing this everywhere anyway but if you're wearing a bage and usually a teeshirt that incdicates you're on team, people tend to feel that it's easier to talk. This is amazing, I can't even explain it without repeating myself several times but it is an awesome thing to find people easily interacting with you.

On the whole, Soul Survivor is life changing, whether you're a Christian or not it is a real experience. Something unexplainable and like nothing else I have ever been through.

okay, alright

I'm not gone.
That didn't take too long. But I thought I'd bring to light my issues, not that I want to talk about them, just as a simple explanation for moods I may swing into. I have good and bad days, and within those days, I have good and bad moods. It doesn't take much but right now, I'm fine. Whatever, ignore it. I can't help but wanting to write when I'm not doing anything at home, read and write.

I had a realisation when exploring who I may see at Soul Survivor this year, most of my friends there are a culmination of boys scattered from different areas. This is no intentional thing, I like girls, I get on with girls, but I find myself needing to know them quite well or being initially wowed by their personality and this results in my not having very many female friends. Including the friends I make at Soul. But the friends I do make at Soul, regardless of gender tend to be ones that I stick with, get to know quite well and are always glad to see. And I get to see them every year at roughly the same time and observe how different they are to the last time we were at Soul. Some I occassionally meet up with throughout the year, which is nice because it really gives me someone outside of the church to be close with who's a Christian. Always a plus.
Ben Taylor I am particularly excited to see because this boy constantly is happy to see me, and treats me like there is no other girl in the world he'd like to give his attention to other than me. Which is lovely, plus we really connect on a level that I don't with a lot of people. Sure, we mess around and joke about but when we talk, we really do talk, mega deep conversations.

Soul Survivor is, inadvertedly, a Christian dating festival. A place to meet young Christians from all over the country - and further - and spend a week with them. This, unfortunately, is not excluding the opposite sex. Genders will mix, this is just natural. However, you stick roughly ten thousand 14-24 year olds in a giant field for a week and you're bound to get a drama or two, this generally takes the form of people pairing up.
Now, I see some of same people every year. You've got your preppy boys - a group of about six, they were a year, maybe two, older than me when I first encountered them and although it was clear they were strong Christians, girls were also an obvious hobby they couldn't ignore while at this faith enriching festival. The first year I was intrigued because they stood behind me during the first meeting of the week and did the most beautiful harmonies I had ever heard any male do. The year after that I saw them again and they vaguely remembered who I was from a brief encounter. Last year, they remembered me again, learnt my name and occassionally spoke to me. But I'm obviously not their type and so their attention was limited and girls who were size 8 and wearing topshop were much more intersting than trying to converse on even a mildly intelectual level with a girl on team who looked as though she'd just popped out of a skate clothing designed magazine. Apparently, that was me. Now, this would upset me somewhat if it weren't for having seen them flirting outrageously with every girl similar to the size 8 topshop wearing girls since I'd first met them.
Then, you have the outcasts. Now, I say this not because I consider them to be outcasts, but merely because that's what they are. Sadly, for people who don't fit in with the generic 'normal' persons that populate the earth, this does not change even in a place where you're supposed to accept all. And so, this group of eccentric, interesting, incredibly friendly and bright young adults get avoided like nobodies business. Consequently, if you show any interest amongst the boys of this group (and in some cases the girls) you get A LOT of attention back. They're people I get along with well, along with everyone else. Being on team last year meant I could discourage others from being impolite to these individuals, and conversation was made between people who would never even consider it.
The more recent group of people I've discovered are the ones that come back each year dressed in a new kind of fad. But bless them, they were the young ones when I no longer was, and society seems to affect their sense of fashion and everything 'cool' about them. They mix with themselves, each year bringing new people into their group that fit their criteria, but they're a nice bunch of boys and girls that liked me for some unexplainable reason. One little one, adored by all - including me - has a new summer romance each year, leaving her permenantly attached to whoever is overcome by her immense cuteness. She's the heart throb of their little pack.
Many more different stereotypes come into this but I'm sure you can imagine it all. Everyone's very accepting of everyone else, with some few exceptions. But, otherwise, Soul Survivor has it's own The OC-esque drama going on, as if it were a school or an episode of The Hills.

None the less, I can not wait to see the people I miss. Get back into God, as I said last year as well. Enjoy the general awesomeness that everyone should experience of such an amazing place, it is something truely fantastic. I leave on the 10th.

And then Sinead is coming to see me on the 18th, so that's nice too.

Tuesday 29 July 2008

Side note

I never sleep well anymore.

I either wake up constantly, can't sleep at all or have really strange dreams that leave me feeling exhausted. I researched some stuff on recent behavior including these dreams, I didn't like what I found.

Done.

It's not goodbye.

This may not actually happen, but I think I'm going to take a break for a while, from everything and everyone. For a long time I've been feeling... Well, I can't really describe what I'm feeling. But I feel as though suddenly my hard drive of a world is crashing and I can't really handle all of it.
The only way I can possibly explain it is by saying that I'm action packed with issues. These said issues have been brought to the surface more recently and it's really affecting how I am with myself, other people and in social settings. My mind is full of thoughts all the time, most of them pessimistic and I can't see how I'm ever going to find answers to any of the questions constantly battling in my head, mostly because I feel like I can't talk to anyone about them.
I know there are so many people who would sit and listen and be patient with me, not even to give advice or judge but just to listen but for once in my life, I'm struggling to find the words. So, I've decided to look into therapy, counselling, some one to talk to who might be able to figure out what I feel and why.

I went out tonight to the Reg and Route. Had an argument with one of my best friend's, Neil, on the phone, wanted to leave then but didn't. Got to Route, wanted to leave then because it was boring but didn't. Two people that I did not want to see in the same situation were both there, which was painfully awkward and after having one give me serious words I had a panic attack followed by me coming home. He'll probably read this now, and want something of an explanation as to who the other person was, but it's complicated.
The weird thing is that when I was in Route, I stood on my own, I wanted to break down and I couldn't figure out why. There, in that place that I love, were loads of my mates, some of the greatest people I know, packed full of people to meet, with awesome music and I stood on my own and watched it all. I felt this huge urge to talk to some one I love, some one who just kinda gets me even thought they don't know what to say to some of the things I have to say, and out of a few people who I adore that were there, the only person I wanted was some crazy ginger Scottish twat. I didn't even want to talk to you, I just wanted you to be there, or just with you anywhere. I can't explain it, I won't even try to.

Anyway, my phone's dying a slow and painful death. So, I'm going to be a bit cut off for a bit. I'll lurk on the side lines but for now, I'm gone.

Monday 28 July 2008

Viewers

I realised a while ago that I really don't know who reads my blog; I, at first, was under the impression that no one did. I find myself fascinating because I'm an arrogant self-absorbed bitch, but I didn't anyone else shared this sentiment. That actually just translates into, I needed somewhere to write some crap when I got bored and I didn't think anyone else thought anything I had to say was in the slightest bit interesting. Even in person, it's a boarder.
However, this thought came up again when I was thinking about which encounter from my inserts to write about first. I've thought of many I could put in for the first time read, some who may read this, some who may not. I have a friend who made subtle hints for about three hours that he read my blog, something that he clearly found hilarious - the welsh are odd. I could write about him, but I can't see that as fair, I want the stories to have some amount of animosity.
I still don't have one to put up, yet, though. Nothing feels worthy enough to share.
I'll get there, the inner workings of my mind will be revealed a little more. But, hopefully, not loads. I can't have people finding out what a sexual pervert I am, that and I'm actually a complete and utter idiot. Ah, most of you probably knew that anyway.

OH! And I quit my job. I lost a few things this week, it's been... eventful.

Thursday 24 July 2008

I just don't get asked

Ever felt like you can get left out of your circles of friends?
And then you see pictures, hear stories and then they wack out the hilarious videos that you don't care about because they left you out of all of it.
You're immediate reaction is - what wanks.
But it shouldn't be, not really.

I don't know how I got to this point but I cannot seem to find a nice medium between my offline friends and my online friends. As soon as my offline life starts going well, that's when things fuck up elsewhere and I don't know what to do.
I mis everyone so much. I'm like the missing queen of youtube, but this time I'm not crying, I'm not upset in the same way; I'm resentful. Why wasn't I invited to things? Why don't I know all these people really well? Why don't people come visit me?

How selfish can I be? I know... But I can't help it. I feel like I'm being completely outcasted from the group that I only just became a part of.

bollocksbollocksbollocks.

The youtube lot are like 'true friend' stylie, so why do I feel so left out? I really hate looking at pictures or blogs about when a group of them met up or something because not only am I not in those ones, but I'm not even in the pictures of the meet ups that I do go to. I don't get it.
I don't like me right now (PLEASE, COULD I POSSIBLY SOUND ANYMORE PATHETIC!?) and I hate the way things are happening around me. I need to sort it out.

Oh, and I'm quitting my job.
In the next couple of days.

Wednesday 23 July 2008

my apologies

I'm not actually that angry.
And so I apologise for alerting people to my anger/upsetness. I'm fine. Everything's fine.
Of course, in a world when fine is in fact not fine at all and I'm killing myself trying to come across as okay. The phrases "I'm fine" and "I'll be alright" have been used in copious amounts in the past five days. Anyway, don't ask, I don't want to talk about it. I'm fine, I'll be alright and the only people I really want to discuss anything on any matters of me not being fine is gc and sin.

I'm going to start doing inserts of a new theme. On a subject I discussed with Alex; throughout this series of short stories, if you will, some may be true, some may not. Either way, comments can be freely made, but I will not be made to feel ashamed of anything I write, whether it's the truth or not there will be some truth in it and my mistakes that I include have been made and made me who I am today. I am stronger because of what I've done, good or bad.

The Secret Confessions of a.... We'll decide at a later date shall we?

Monday 21 July 2008

right, well

I hate everyone, pretty much.
There's really specific things that can piss me off really quickly, otherwise I'd say I'm quite a cheery person and not easily annoyed but in this situation I'm just fucked off and want to kick some one in the eye!

What a fucking dicky wank stain fuck shit face douche bag.

I hope you fall on your face.
Generally, I don't, but right now I really really do.

FUCK.

Sunday 20 July 2008

Rule of thumb

I know that there's supposed rule that whoever your manager is, you will probably feel some amount of hate for them due to the fact that they're your manager and that means they get to be as dicky to you as they like and you have to put up with it.
Thing is, my manager, on the whole is alright. Well, no, certain aspects of him are alright. He's funny, entertaining, easy going but strict - but fair. SOMETIMES.
With me, he's like that part of the time and then, occassionally, decides to turn into crazy ass really stupidly bad manager - I could sue you, you bastard -crazy abusive person.
I'm all for discipline, go for it. And in his mind this means he'll yell for a little bit and then get over it. BUT when you start yelling and lecturing and telling me that, "At 18 you know nothing, and in the grand scheme of life and everything YOU ARE nothing" that's when it crosses the line over into abusive, harsh, and just a bit too much. Especially when he's going to go around saying things like that to me in front of other people at work, including customers.

All this because it was my last half hour of work, a couple came in, the front of the restuarant was empty and I, on autopilot by this time and not really thinking about it, sat them there. While doing so I suddenly thought about the fact that I had a completely empty section and that it was really stupid of me to put them there. Oh, but it was too late! I turned round to support manager, who's section it was, and my lovely boss man looking at me as though I was a complete idiot. This was then followed with questioning of why I did such a stupid thing, how could I possibly be so lazy, and then followed up with several different variations on the basic comment of "you're a liar" after I told him I didn't do it intentionally thinking that I would end up not having to take the table. I even said I would take them now and that it was a genuine mistake, but, no, it was too late. I was now in a web of "I hate blaggers" and "you're pathetic and lazy", along with a lovely helping of "I'm going to get rid of you".

Love, please do so! You're a dick and I've been wanting to leave for a LONG time. The only reason I stay is because it's convinient and would give me an easy job to take up to uni with me.


So, upon leaving - which was a God send - Support Manager comes on out into the car park, stomps over to the car that I'm in and says in a very chavy *you startin'!?* kinda way, "Have you got something to say to me Anna!? Right, if you're going to call me a bitch you might want to make sure I'm not in the next room!" And then stomped promptly away and back into the restuarant again. Oh dear. And this, people, is all down to stupid people that I work with. Another girl who's employed there having the exact same name as said support manager, I mentioned this particular girl in conversation before leaving and merely said that I thought she was a bitch to me, didn't like me and was generally horrible to me. Which she is.

I HATE EVERYONE.

Friday 18 July 2008

let the crazy out

Once I bit my mate and he got really angry and started yelling at me and telling me I was a freak and really weird and I was just laughing at him being angry and then I just started crying half way through the laughing.

There were about four other people there, embarrassing. But, mainly just

CRAZY....

Thursday 17 July 2008

oh, right

Well, I just found a mind expandingly awesome way to get over my "I am actually a girl with hormones, sometimes I act like it, so I'm going to freak out about something because that's how I FEEL" moment.

No, I do not mean mind expanding drugs, but instead a unhealthy dollop of pretentious twat barking literary wank. Which should be written more regularly, it has more truth than the author realises, and generally excells in the realm of decent material to read on the internet. Which, as a generalised rule, is non-existant. The internet? Seriously, porn and whiney annoying slags.
Now, you don't have to understand what that means, but if you do then you'd either find it hilarious because it's somewhat true and I'm bitch OR you're merely one person in particular and so you're probably offended but mostly likely slightly impressed at my nonsensical ramblings, also. Not to mention, you always like a bit of a attention(especially in my blog).


Not only did that make very little sense, it also just goes to show that girls are fun. Within the same day we can write a blog consisting of sliding opposite moods.

Eventually

As soon as I got back I was thrusted into going out every night and seeing people constantly.
I'm very tired.

But, in result, there will be no long winded story of my egypt travels. Unless I type out what I wrote down.

I've realised something; I'm terrified of change. Not with things around me, mostly, but with my own thoughts and feelings about things. I keep telling myself things in my head and then tell myself to stop thinking because if I was confident I wouldn't think about it at all, not in this way anyway.
I'm scared that things will be different, I'm scared of holding on but I'm scared of the loss if I let go. I need reassurance, I'm losing touch. I'm trying so hard to be positive and I'm totally excited but, still, I'm scared. I don't want it to be different than before, I like it the way things are now.

I'm just so fucking scared.

I'm not used to this, this normal thing that everyone's done or is doing and I never have. I feel like a little girl.

Friday 11 July 2008

Back from Egypt

I learnt a while back that a lot can happen in a couple of days when I went away for a weekend and was shocked at all the drama that took place while I was gone.

Ten days I piss off for...

Everything's fucking fallen apart, huh?
Some one needs to bloody well explain to me what the fuck went wrong. This is why you don't get too close in groups of people like this, things mess up. And they get easier to mess up, the closer you get. But I guess that's life.

Seriously though, ten fucking days.