slag face

My cousin called me slag in jest and then was slightly taken aback when my response was to agree with him.
I think the best come back to insults is usually to just agree with the person, they rarely know what to say afterwards. Although, funnily enough, I only agreed because it's true, or it used to be. I was big ol' slag face from about half way through 2007 until the very beginning of 2009; with a 8 month period in this time when I just stopped being a slag face and went out with GC.

So, quite frankly, I have no issue with admitting my past behavior. Especially since most people had absolutely no idea because I was awesomely sneaky and, unlike most slags, didn't advertise my activities. I will talk about it now, openly, but not with pride. And the people who do talk about those things with pride are idiots - they weren't notches on my bedpost, only an asshole keeps count.

Ugh.

I'm sure in a permanent state of procrastination. Although, to be fair, today has been manic! So it's not really my fault.

I had a choir event; we went to Broadstairs which is about 40 minutes or so away from Folkestone and performed in this carol service in a church which isn't like the churches I'm used to and people kept asking me things which I didn't know the answer to because I don't go to a church with reverends! I go to a church with pastors. It's different - sad face. We got there at like 3 and the thing didn't start until half 5 so there was a lot of waiting around, and a lot of giggling at stupid things during silence moments.

- I would just like to briefly mention that my flatmate just yelled, "SUCK IT!!!", I think he's playing FIFA. I will never understand why you'd want to play a video game of football, but whatever!

Right and then when that was over we went to the Broadstairs campus for Canterbury Christ Church students - they have arty stuff like photography and commercial music, etc - and we did some of our songs over there and people were all smiely and it was fun. Thy want us to perform next year, too and I'm pretty sure they'll get us to do some other events too because we ROCK!.

Awesome, okay. Well, I didn't get home until late and then I asked Joe for his laptop and he took forever and now it's too late for me to do work and I just need to sleep in order to wake up super early and do LOADS of work then! YAY!!
Right... BYE.

RAWR!

Ihavesomuchworktodoit'sinsaneandithinki'mslowlylosingmymindandwhyamionhereandnotactuallydoingitrightnowi'mCRAZY!

That is all.

Ramble.

Today I went to City - which is always fun!
Sophia, a girl from uni, usually comes with me but today she said she had too much work to do. The weirdest part was she asked me if that was okay; I mean seriously, if it wasn't, what would she do - come anyway because I was pissed? No. Silly girl. She's an odd one, but absolutely lovely. She's a new Christian so for her everything is exciting and amazing and intense, it's really awesome to be around someone so into something so new in their life. I envy it because I've always known God, but I know I have something different with my relationship with him, not everyone is the same.
So, I went on my own and I acutally had a really good time. I met lots of people whose names I probably won't be able to remember when I go back in month but that's fine, we'll do it all again and I'll pick it back up in no time.
Afterwards me and Hani went with some other people to Nandos.

Some guy was like masachistically torturing himself by continuously eating fries with the super hot peri-peri sauce. He kept saying it hurt but carried on, I can't say I entirely understood the situation.

The bus back home was probably the worst part of my day. When I left Hani and walked to the bus, I thought I'd get a Shake Away on my way over, and consequently missed the bus which I found out only goes once an hour. I was literally, one minute late. So, I sat around in the freezing cold bus shelter for an hour with my hands slowly losing all feeling. I mean the actual bus journey wasn't that bad, I was just tired and wanted to get it over with.. and fell asleep at a few points until my head slumped forward so much that my headphones fell off and I hit head on the hand rail thing on the seat in from of me. Fun.

Home home home. I wish Joe hadn't come home so soon after I'd come arrived back, but what can you do.

Procrastinating again. I give up, I'm terrible at this whole ACTUALLY doing work thing. Plus reading is so much fun. Alex reccommended this book series to me by Scott Westerfeld and I honestly haven't been able to put it down. It's ridiculous. I love it! It's made me read loads of other things.

The beginning of the end... Of this year.

So, it's been almost three months since I moved away to uni and I'm going back in a week for a month over Christmas. I can't explain how much I miss my home, going back will be amazing.
It's been.. interesting. To say the least.
From my last post, you know that my Grandfather died. It was about two weeks into my being here; that was difficult. Along with being homesick, not really getting on with my flatmate and having a small issue back home that I had to deal with whilst being here at the same time, the entire experience has been one I couldn't have predicted in any manner.
A few weeks in I was became somewhat of a recluse. Living here literally changed how I am with myself and other people; and if you've met me, although I don't think that's necessary, you know that I'm anything but reclusive. But I didn't want to be anywhere near my flatmate, I didn't feel close enough to anyone to get comfort about my Grandfather, no one ever came to see me and I didn't want to intrude on people's lives all the time so, I spent a lot of time on my own. I wanted to go home, give up and just live my life in my parent's house in Portsmouth where I knew I had friends I could count on. But I didn't want the disappointment I knew would come with that.

Only God knows how, and I thank him every day for helping me through this, but I managed to start going out and meeting people outside of uni which built my confidence back up to hang out with my uni friends again and everything there is alright now. I found an amazing church called City Church - it's in Canterbury but I don't mind traveling to go somewhere I love. I quit smoking! It's been three weeks - and although even that mention of smoking kind of makes me want a cigarette, I know I've done one of the best things ever for myself and I couldn't be prouder. As a consequence I've gained a bit of weight, but that's coupled with my brief few of weeks of being a recluse; I comfort eat. And I know it'll be easier to lose now because I'll, even if slowly, find exercise easier.
I'm going to re-string this guitar I have, borrowed from my Mummy, and I WILL learn to play it. And then do some covers and write some songs and get some gigs. And I want to get a decent camera and do some photography and put it up on flickr and look at the world.

Boys aren't on my agenda at all. I can't escape old memories enough to make new ones and although I've had fleeting moments, there's been nothing substantial. Nothing that can compare. Nothing for ages. My attitude, as one who just isn't that interested, is apparently all the more interesting to the male of the species, and I can't figure out whether that's fun or irritating. I think both, some times fun but after a while irritating. Or just plain creepy.

God has completely turned me upside down and then the right way up again. I'm baffled and serene at the same time. Serenely baffled. I'm seeing my life through someone else's eyes, and this person is just ever so slightly more grown up than when I first arrived at university.

Now, I best stop procrastinating and actually do some work if I want to actually pass this course.
I'll try and update more often from now on. My bad. What can I say? I'm a student.

A shock

Today my Grandfather died.

I miss my family more than ever. I have never felt so far away, being at uni has suddenly become difficult. I wish I could just be with my parents and be there to cry with and comfort my Daddy.

He was a great man, and shall be missed greatly.

Slowly destroyed

I have never cried so much in my life than I have in the last two weeks.

I'm upset to go, but staying is destroying me.

Either way, I have a reputation to uphold, and it's proving more difficult than I thought. When the world thinks that you perceive yourself to be better than others, even if you don't there is no convincing them. I believe myself to be no more perfect than anyone else just because I have faith, humanity is flawed, myself doubly so.

I wish I didn't care, but I do.

The inspiration

I consider myself dramatic, in pretty much every aspect of my life. It's not something I always choose, you can only help who you are some of the time. Ambiguity is a good talent too, huh?
So, recently I'm all over the place. Happy, sad, happy, sad - I can't cut my emotions a break, my brain must be on a the edge of a mental breakdown with all the thoughts flying through it, constantly contradicting each other, bloody hell. So much is going on that I can't seem to pin down one feeling at a time.
But since I met a stranger, who moved me more than any of the people in my life ever have done, I kinda feel like I'm in limbo, and everything is just.. cool. I don't think this person will ever know quite how much their influence has stuck with me; they weren't even trying. In one moment I suddenly saw what I needed to do, the drive that was required, to do what I want to do with my life. The musical aspect, anyway. But it all runs into everything else. I'm gunna take up guitar, finally and try my very hardest to quit smoking because now it's something that I really want to do, instead of something I know I should do.
All the time now music is running through my head, all mashed up into one big musical amazement, which makes no sense whatsoever and I am flippin' loving it. Everything is inspirational, everything is something I can write a song about, I have an entire discography forming in my head.

This all sounds crazy and honestly, if you could get inside my head, that query would definitely be confirmed. But I'd like to thank, and always will, the man who inspired me by doing nothing at all, bearing part of his soul on stage to a group of.. mostly underage teeny-bopper fangirls, and me. Thank you to the man who merely said, "hello", and gave me a gift.
I remain, no fangirl, but definitely a fan.

Greg Holden, thank you. Listening to you in a dingy London venue changed me.

I have some very close friends who I've always prided honesty with, absolute honesty, nearly all the time. This sometimes results in hearing things that the other person may not want to hear but it's always been out of friendship and a caring nature. I'm now harbouring such negative feelings towards one of these "friends" and I can't even bring myself to confront them about how much of a rubbish person they're being, especially about me behind my back.

When did I suddenly become such hard work to be friends with that some one could actually complain about having to see me?

I can't tell you, not even via something you may or may not read can I tell you, because I don't want to tell you directly, I don't want to tell you in an email and be cryptic and I don't want you to get really pissed off at me when it's YOU who's upset me!

So, I'm stuck. I will carry on pretending things are fine, when they're not, because all of a sudden my eyes have been opened to how much of a crappy friend you really are. And it hurts so flippin' much.

Phone business

A couple of months ago, my phone broke. It's purple and gorgeous and I'm attached to it and it broke. Some of the buttons just stopped working and after attempting the "turn it off and on again" trick, I then could not turn it on again because some of the numbers that were in my pin code were not working... Great!
So, I took my phone to 3 and they took it and fixed it and then gave it back to me a few days later, very quick, very good. THEN a week and a half later my phone breaks again, the same problem. I took my phone back to 3 - at this point slightly disgruntled - and asked if they could replace it. The response to this was that it was probably replaced when it was fixed because it was a more internal problem. I bloody doubt it. Right, so they took my phone again and "fixed" it AGAIN and everything was fine.
For about a month.
And then suddenly, a few weeks ago, my phone breaks AGAIN with the same problem. My word, at this point I wasn't just disgruntled, I wanted to hurt people! Especially the stupid flippin' girl at 3 when I went there and she says that they can't send my phone off for fixing unless I can provide proof that I purchased my phone from that store. I obviously don't have this because it's not something I carry with me all the time and because this is a new policy. My point was that she COULD HAVE just typed my name into her little stupid computer and found out that I bought my phone from here, but NO, apparently she wasn't allowed to do that because that makes perfect sense and therefore is far too easy.
This girl, who trust me, was definitely not taught the "the customer is always right" rule. I wasn't even getting angry at her and she was acting as though I was. Well, love, I could do considering you've taken my phone twice already and it's still not right.
She then TAKES my phone, after telling me she can't send it off to be fixed, and starting looking at it, struggles with taking the back off and then starts to take the battery out. THIS is a completely retarded thing to do because as she's doing this I'm telling her that it's the same problem, the buttons do not work and I can't turn it off because if I do I can't get back into it because I have a pin and THE BUTTONS DO NOT WORK!!!
She then takes my battery out and then puts it back in and then turns my phone back on, only to offer me my phone to type in my pin, to have me say that I've literally just explained that I couldn't do that. Being slightly more pissed off by her now, but not really showing it, I then mentioned how now I have no phone because I can't get into it (because she just turned it off, idiot girl).
She then looks at me and says something to the general idea that it wasn't her fault and that she didn't know I had a pin, did she? I should have told her. I then quickly thanked her (WHYYY??!!) and walked out briskly, fists clenched, holding back the want to scream as much as I possibly could.
I walked into Carphone Warehouse, and walked up to a, conveniently, attractive guy called Alex.

"Hey... Alex! I would like to start by apologising for any misplaced anger towards you, it's not you, it's ALL because of 3. I now hate them. Can you help me?"

He was smiling by the time I was half way through this speech,

"A lot of people feel that way about 3. So I will try."

I clearly love him by this point. LOVE him. I could marry him. Settle down and have children with him. Anyway, I tell him what's up, I ask for my phone to be fixed and he says they have the same policy BUT he does it anyway - see! He loves me too!! He sends my poor broken phone off and after a week and a half I haven't heard anything, I was confused. I try ringing them and I don't get through to anyone, and then I get an automated phonecall message thingy saying that due to the nature of the problem, it's going to take an extra 10-14 days. But that's okay, that's fine, as long as it's fixed, EVENTUALLY.
Today I got another automated phonecall telling that my phone is back and ready to pick up. FINALLY!

What have I learned?
Boys will do anything for you in a shop if you looked disappointedly cute enough.
The girl in the 3 store is a gobby cow, who doesn't listen, with an attitude problem.
And people in the 3 store are generally retarded if they don't think that the first thing anyone does when something doesn't work is to TURN IT OFF AND ON AGAIN!

I feel way better now.
Awesome.

Tomorrow? Hello Alex >_<

It's been a while.

Today I wished I kept a diary. I remembered how much I loved writing and how I've always thought it to be a very good creative outlet. I miss keeping my thoughts somewhere other than my brain, it feels better to say things and then feel the release of not having them all locked up. That sounds retarded, I know, but try not to think about it. So, I'm back.

I turned 19.
I went on tour.
I got very good grades. VERY good grades.
I got into a university that I'm still unsure about; Canterbury Christ Church, on the Folkstone campus, to do Performing Arts. I do like it there, I love it there. But I'm scared of not knowing what's going to happen and being completely aware of who I'm living with and whether I'll enjoy this course, if it's the right thing to do.
I'm still smoking, unfortunately.
I'm still going to Church and I love it and I love God and everything's still difficult there, but when is life not a struggle?

My love life is completely non-existant and I, honestly, like it that way. Of course, I'm not going to deny that it is nice to have someone, but I like not having the hassle and confusion that boys bring, and the risks on my morals and beliefs. Hmm, plus it often gives you this false validation that fades after about ten minutes.

I really want to tell a story.
I think it's about time it was told.

Odd, that.

It's a bit strange that if you look back on quite a few of my posts I'll mention that I'm at college. I don't know what it is about college but for some reason it gets me writing this thing when the rest of the time, when at home, I rarely do - which is appalling and I wish it were different but every time I say I'll change I never do so, meh.

Tomorrow we go on tour, me and my class, for college around the Isle of Wight which I'm very much looking forward to. I think four venues altogether, but I could be wrong. The last one will be the best, bringing over some people from the mainland which'll be fun, a proper gig feel to it, not that the others don't really have that.
Everyone keeps saying about getting trashed every single night, not only can I not fund that, I can also not manage that. I'd kill myself, my liver would have a panic attack and never speak to me again and I quite like the relationship we've got at the moment. Especially because I was rather abusive towards it recently, it wasn't very nice of me, so now I've got to really work at keeping it happy. However I am now certain that my gag reflex is in great working order, along with realising I've got some majorly unused stomach muscles that now I'm aware of due to great pain. So, my body's all in working order, why would I then want to abuse the hell out of it? There's having a good time and then there's destroying yourself, and I think I'm okay with not doing that for a while, thank you very much.
I will enjoy myself, by all means, and I will partake in a few drinks but I'm not going to go mental... Friday night shenanigans kinda killed my love for mental nights out for a bit.

My birthday soon. I'll be 19.
I'm quite excited, actually. People keep telling me that I'll feel no different, which, honestly, I think is a really stupid thing to say because of course I know I won't feel any different, every day I age and I'm not idiotic to think that one specific day is going to completely how I feel and look, it's not like everything jumps forward a year. What twats.
The really stupid part is when I kept saying that I KNOW I WILL FEEL NO DIFFERENT, I'm just looking forward to being 19, they continued to say it will feel no different. OH MY GOD! WHAT RETARDS AM I DEALING WITH!?
I wasn't even talking to them... I swear, some people don't even deserve the right to speech, they don't use it wisely or well or correctly or coherently. Rtards.

RIGHT! After using many capitals, I'm going to depart, I have rehearsals in a bit and need to run off to that. I really hope this goes well, we have one more set of rehearsals tomorrow morning before we run off to the ferry port and get on with the tour. It's all happening very quickly and quite frankly I am just scared... but in a good way, I think.
Wish us luck!

Mild fail

Bit like a lot of other parts of my life...
Hmm, these things happen though, you know?
The reason I was inspired to post today was because some one I know, vaguely, sent me a message telling me they spent their lunch break reading my blog. Which, if I'm being honest, I think is a crazy way to pass the time of your day but then, if you know what I think then that means that you're reading this and, in which case, I thank you; I never considered my life or my thoughts at all interesting except to me, and even then..

A few updates...
VEDA (Vlog Every Day in April) has been going quite well. I've missed two days so far, which, for me, is actually very good. Considering my lack of motivation and organisation. I really want some structure to my life. I'm taking the very scary steps of going to sleep at normal hours unless deliberately intentional. Last night I went to bed at 11. Now, I'm sure I didn't actually sleep until, at least, 12 but I felt so much better for it this morning, just resting is still better than keeping my mind actively doing things and thinking. Thinking is a terrible pass time, I should really stop.

I didn't get into a single drama school so it's back to being clueless about the rest of my life for me, until next year comes around and I can begin to panic and stress out over it all over again. Oh, joy! That's how i enjoy living my life, how about you? Currently my focus is hellbent on college and actually getting work done instead of telling my parents I'm "getting it done" so often that I start to believe it myself. It's difficult but I'm learning to sit down and just get on with it. Ew. Kinda hate it, though.

So, other than that nothing is happening with my life. Apart from my doing vague and inconspicuous things that I shouldn't, and told myself I wouldn't, do. I feel guilty about these things, but only because I don't feel guilty at all, and my lack of guilt is getting to me a bit. Weird.

Tonight is the charity gig my class and I had to organise, as a promotions company, and put on together. I hope it goes well, I hope ticket sales are better than I think they'll be. Minor panic there, but only in the back of my mind and only to the extent that it would suck if the night sucked. Basically, the word 'suck' is rotating on my mind about everything to do with tonight, apart from loads of my friends in one place, that part is amazing.

LIKE YOUR FACE.

Today was made of win

I went to Thorpe Park with my class from college which was awesome and amazing and if i have time at a later date I shall explain in more detail as to why it was so much fun, but for now I must keep it brief because I am getting ready to go to Route and get my groove on with my friend Hani who I've known forever! She just turned 18! :D

Also, tomorrow, I plan on making a video. This may fail. But I plan on it.

Aaaannnnd... I'm done.

yo.

I went to Manchester on Tuesday for a drama school audition and stayed with Jazza, which was lovely and reminded me that I haven't done a post in ages. So, I thought I'd try to get back into the swing of things.
I've decided that even if my posts aren't awesome or insightful or amazing, it doesn't matter as long as I keep up to date with them, because that was the point of it all in the first place. Also, my posts began to get a bit... down. Things were getting kinda on top of me so, when things were good I wasn't writing about it and when they were bad all I wanted to do was rant, but didn't because then I felt like all I was writing about was terrible things and that I just moaned about everything. Which I don't. I'm actually an annoyingly positive person but, things just went a bit bad for a while.

BUT, I'm going to start 'counselling' sessions with a woman who lives near me so I can get things out that way.

Just to update...
I'm not going to America this summer anymore due to stress and it all being too much and EVERYTHING. I don't think I will get into drama school this year, which is okay because I think I'd like to have a year of growing up and having to work full time, experience and what not. AND... I'm running out of things to say so BYE! =D

After thought

I would like to state first, that this is obviously not fact - I don't think it is - but all my own opinion based on my own faith driven and moral beliefs and my life experience so far. My opinion is something which I am entitled to, and my opinion does not make me an idiot. Thanks.
Now, please continue.

After my last post I've been thinking a lot (and the comment left on it). Mostly about the fact that I'm thinking a lot, but not saying my thoughts. Not even here, because for a long while I felt like I couldn't because of my audience, not that I'm even really aware of who reads this anymore, if anyone.
And so, I say with all my heart, the world is kind of retarded when it comes to dating and relationships. Growing up we all feel the need to be in a relationship when most of us aren't ready for the type of commitment a relationship should really have. Most couples don't even have that level of commitment when they're are in their twenties, so why even try in your teens.
Fair enough, I've known and seen a few relationships that have started young and maintained themselves until marriage and are still going strong; my aunt and uncle just celebrated their 25th anniversary, and she was only 17 when they were married. But, for me, I just don't really understand the point of dating until I fully understand myself and feel ready for it. And when I say ready for it, I mean prepared for a relationship with someone that will lead to marriage.
Yes, marriage.
Now, that statement may sound a WEE BIT extreme for all you casual daters out there, but let me put it this way, why be in a relationship with someone when you can't see it going anywhere? In my mind, there is no point, you're just killing time, and you'll probably just end up hurting yourself and the other person if you can't see a future in it. Not to mention, most people kinda give pieces of themselves away when they get close to someone, and then if that doesn't work, you're left with less and less to give each time - when you finally get to the person you're meant to be with, will there be anything left?

My last relationship left me broken. And I can openly admit that, although I'm over what happened, I'm still not really over the person or the relationship in itself. When it ended, I ran around being chased by guys I wasn't interested in, only because I was lacking the person I really wanted, I just liked the attention. So, I did stupid things and broke myself down more to the point where I came back to my old view on life.
Before I was 16 I was convinced that no sex before marriage was the best thing for me, and for other people too, but each to their own. I went down a bad path, the wrong one, for me that is. I just ended up being an emotional mess, sex just complicated things so much more than I thought it would. Now, I didn't think anything I was doing was bad until about six months ago, but by that point I'd driven myself into a hole so deep, I had to reach up to touch rock bottom. I did something about it, or rather life had other plans for me, brought me back to my old way of thinking, and actually living that way as well.

I don't think I would restrict myself to dating until after university, but then I'm not going to give myself a deadline. I pray about guys - which is allowed - but I also pray that I can just focus on God and my family, friends and just being me for a while, 'cause I kinda lost who I was. And I'm awesome, so that sucks, heh.
I don't think I really want to meet my future husband yet, but when I do I know that I'll be entering into, not just a relationship but, a friendship too. It won't be about sex, it'll be about me, him, and God. Oh yeah, christians only please?

So, to everyone who knew a different me before, I'm not really different in myself, I'm still the amazingly self assured girl who's a bit too loud and probably makes you laugh even though she's not funny. I'm still pretty rude and a little crude, and the flirting thing? Well, I've tried to tone it down as much as I can but some things are just me. The only difference now is, I've got God back in my life, and I couldn't be happier.

Absolute rubbish

I am sat down in the computer suite at my college and, I swear, the stupidest kid I have ever encountered is sitting about three computers away from me.
He just made the most bone headed ignorant comment I've heard from a, probably, 16/17 year old boy. And I quote,
"Looks are the be all and end all. I only get with women on the basis of looks."

My. Word.

I then looked around to see who this pig headed ass face was and he was marginally attractive, but I wouldn't look twice; looking once is a stretch. But that comment was actually enough to make me want to throttle him. And apparently blog worthy. Just a mild point, as well; 'women'? I'm sorry, boy? How many 'women' do you actually know? I'm a woman, at a push, but I'm still a lot more womanly than the slaggy girls you probably end up with. If any.
OMGOSH.

What kind of moron boys do I go to college with!?

A girl he was talking to just said she didn't like her boyfriend that much, but she'd stay with him anyway. WHAT!?
People only a year or two below me at college are bloody retards.

geek geek geek

I freak'n LOVE Stargate.
Sat with my mum watching Stargate Continuum!

I'm such a geek it hurts, sometimes.

So, that party

It was HILARIOUS!
The only uncool thing of it was Heidi (birthday girl) getting upset and walking off.. Scary when it's the middle of the night and snowing like there's no tomorrow, and she's only wearing three quarter lengths and a strap top. Scary as hell.

Otherwise the night was amazing, had a really good time and I believe I've made some new friends. So, yay :D
But this morning I had to walk back from college to mine, which I was totally okay with, my friend dropped me at college as he was going there anyway and hopped out and walked on home. However, I realised that I had left my keys in my house on the way home and suddenly had no idea what to do - it was ten in the morning. So, in the end, I had to walk to my dad's work, which took me 45 minutes and get keys off of him, and then walked home again, another 30 miniutes. It wasn't fun, the roads and pavements were covered with icey snow and slipped up every five minutes. I now have a very bruised bum.

I just found out that Brandon, a guy I've known on t'internet for over six years now, is joining the Navy. Now, this is awesome and I'm super happy for him BUT this summer we'd been talking about meeting for the first time. This has been discussed for over a year now and is approaching faster because now it's the new year and it's only a few months away until I actually jump on a plane and go out to the states to work. Him joining the Navy means now I don't think it will work anymore. I can't imagine being able to see him while I'm working, I finish for exploration around America in August, which is when he's going to be shipped off.
Now I'm super bummed, but had to kinda come to face with the fact that it may never happen and when this was mentioned to him, I don't think he took it well. It's not that I don't believe that he wants to see me, or has any intention to, I just don't want to think too optimistically and then feel this rubbish about it again. It kills me that I haven't already met the dude.

And LASTLY!!!
I totally just made a video. Don't expect good things, please. The last video was a total whim.

I have friends

I never really had friends in college. And if I did, it was like... one. And rarely did I see them outside of college. So, I had 'in college' friends but that was it. Otherwise, I kinda ended up sticking to my mates outside of it, even they happened to go to my college too, they were still from outside of it. BUT now I have friends in college and the proof is from a bunch of us going out on thursday to this club called Waster. It was SO MUCH FUN.

Now, I'm getting ready to go to a party. With my friends from college :D

The decision

It was like a hard slap in the face; my realisation that I had to step up and actually take responsibility for my life, now. At first it was terrifying... I mean, it still is, but I'm adjusting to it because I know that if I put hard work in now it will all pay off and I'm so excited for the outcome.

In the next few weeks/months I have to...
- call the U.S. embassy and ask about a Visa
- apply to bunac
- learn 3+ (the + is a likely outcome) audition monologues and read the play that each one is from. And know it.
- attend 8 auditions all over the country. And one in Wales.
- practice monologues every day.
- learn and perfect a 45 minute set of songs for Isle of Wight tour (which I will probably try and persuade people to come to)
- learn and perfect three songs for vocals class in and out of college.
- practice singing every day
- finishing details for events management (actual temporary promotions company putting on a gig)
- promote promote promote! (btw, tuesday 28th April, 7:30pm, top floor, Club 8, Guildhall Walk - prices, bands and djs tbc, probably around £3) Oh, yes!
- hand in two improved essays from last year... please, no one of concern read that bit.
- recording sessions
- lose 3stone - no arguing, I don't think I'm fat. I'm not deluded. I just want to be more comfortable with my weight and I have gained SO much in the past two years. Plus, getting all hair cut off would be more favourable with cheek bones and jaw line looking gorgeous and lovely. And visible.

Wow. I've got my work cut out for me.

I freak'n love it. I'm ready.

I couldn't think of a title

I sat here, on my bed, wanting to eat a lot of junk food; comfort. No idea why it suddenly spurred, but it did. So, I went downstairs to see if I could try and solve my problem of want, I couldn't. Instead I decided it would be better to smoke.
I'm clearly an idiot.

Last week I stopped smoking for a week and a half, just because I didn't feel like it. I realised that quitting wouldn't be that difficult. That was, until, college on Thursday. Everything was fine, and then I arrived, and it was all downhill from there. I've been quite good though, only smoked last night because I was out, which is, admittedly, a terrible reason to smoke but otherwise I've been good. I just figure right now screaming, hitting things (or people), and over eating would cause a more negative outcome than if my goal is to quit, but I smoke when I have any of the aforementioned cravings.

I stood out in the cold, wearing a tee shirt and joggers, with a slight rain, and I just simply... stood there. Nevertheless, all that, and now typing it up, makes me feel slightly better.
Not so bitter.

So, what started out as an entry with a terrible mood, is ending as not that terrible after all.
Life is complicated, most of the time. But I can try and deal. And I will.

UGH

I having real trouble sleeping of late.
This has meant that I've been catching up on youtube a bit and re-discovering the love I had for so many people I used to watch and have just forgotten about because I cut myself off from the whol thing for such a long time.


So, one of my new year's resolutions was to get better organised. Although, I had considered cutting out youtube altogether, 'cause that would help, instead I just want to prioritise better so that I can include youtube in the things I enjoy doing. Along with this blog, where I often start writing things and then never post them...
College, uni auditions, seeing people, the occassional drinking session, church and God - which is higher on the list, but this isn't in order - and last but definately not least, some time for myself. Where I can chill on my own without anyone or anything else. Maybe a book. Maybe a few songs. But that's it.

I miss the old days, things were easier. I was so much more care free. Now I think about things, too much, and it's become my ultimate downfall.

What I would say

I have completely no desire to talk to a certain person ever again, whether they like it or not.
I don't want to talk about it and it's no one who reads this so I feel I can openly say with complete ambiguity how I, very vaguely, feel about/towards them at the current moment. And have done for the entire day. And probably will continue to for the rest of... well, a long time.

To the person of consequence,
I seriously hope for the rest of your life you never forget, for even a minute, what you did because then it would mean that for a brief moment you could've felt even a little glimmer of happiness, and you don't fucking deserve that.

And now that that's done and dusted, I can quite honestly say that the main reason I posted this entry was because
A - I've been thinking that all day. It's been a freak'n long day of absent stares and thinking far too much, and generally around the above's topic, of which the reader has no idea and
B - I don't care that none of you understand because, in all honesty, I just think that if I did get a chance to say that to said unmentioned person it would be the most epic of pwns in my history of pwns, definately in my top five, and they would not know how to respond.

Except knowing them, they'd probably just turn around and say something fucky because they're an asshole and are just like that. For fuck sake, I entered the New Year depressed, crying and angry and lacking a reason in my head to stop being or doing any one of those things. Since then nothing's gotten better and I'm mostly still feeling and thinking the exact same things.
It kind of gets worse but I'm sure it's just me.

Today my mother said one of the most understanding things she could ever say to me,
"I some times forget how hard it is to be your age"