Two.

Two very strange things have occurred today, perhaps they were only a singularly strange thing for me, I'm not sure how another person would have dealt with such things.

One was a mere realisation, an epiphany if you will. I have a best guy mate. The feeling is not mutual. Our relationship is an odd one, in which I used to think I was in love with him and he knew. The feelings, unfortunately, not reciprocated. Recent events caused us to not speak for a few months, said events were, in fact, him and one of my very close female friends seeing each other behind my back. There is a lot of back story, lying and bitching involved that I do not care to detail but the overall result was, the girl and I are still friends but there's a hidden mistrust we don't speak about and my best guy mate and I are now smitten, having patched things up about two weeks ago.
I haven't seen him since before we had the argument that stopped us talking to each other, until today. We flirt, that's how we are. We look like a couple, we've always been this way, it's just how we work as friends. Before this entire thing happened, we had a weekend in which our friendship got slightly more friendly, quite a while ago. Tonight, we kissed, and there was nothing. I feel very little for him anymore, and as soon as this happened I switched off. I was normal, like how normal friends hang out, not draped over each other, we just sat. I think he thought I was kidding, however I realise now that I should have done this a long time ago, when I still felt something. His reaction was nothing other than chasing me, I gave him little attention and he was craving it.
I feel nothing for my guitar boy. Sure, I care for him but, something's missing now.
He's just a boy, again.


The other odd thing is, regretfully, facebook related.
LH was my first, and I was a girl obsessed when it came to him. I liked him anyway, throw in something like my virginity and you've got quite an attached girl on your hands. He liked me too, I know he did. He occasionally said things that gave it away, once he even half admitted it, following such tales of almost affection with, "but, you're too young."
Then there was, "I like you better when you're here with me, with everyone else you're different."
That was a killer. However, I was such a fool infatuated that I played along like it wasn't that important. He got what he wanted and I got his attention and affection in one way or another, I was somewhat satisfied. Until the day he told me about a girl he liked; an ex of his friend. I mean, I was there to listen and talk, and we had told each other secrets I wouldn't even dream of sharing with some people but that was too much. I also knew right from the beginning that he was moving away; to Leeds, he said, back with his family. I didn't see him for a week or so and that was it, he was gone. I found out not much later that he had, in fact, moved to Bristol. With his girlfriend. A new addition, just after me.
A little under a year ago a girl, who was involved with a friend of mine, told me in a toilet while she was drunk that he had been shagging one, maybe even two, other girls whilst he was seeing me. My first, tainted. Completely.
I didn't cry, I wasn't even that upset. I just took the information in and continued with my evening. And let it slowly eat away at me, I used to feel like it would never stop. I don't know if it has yet.
Today, I found him on facebook and added him. There was no emotion there when I did it, I know him, he knows me, therefore we fit the bill for 'facebook friends'. Something in me wanted to know what he was doing now, if he was with anyone, where he lived, remind myself of what he looks like.
I came home this evening to a perfectly reasonable comment on facebook, from him, listing the usual pleasantries one receives in a comment. I then looked at my received messages in my Honesty Box - I get very few - only to read one that said, "Haha, I popped your cherry! =P"
That insensitive bastard.
If only he knew.

After both of these contrasting comments, I'm not quite sure what the emotion I'm feeling right now is. I've never had it before. Part of me feels it's appropriate to cry, but my eyes are dry. Part of me doesn't really even care. I spent exactly 13 minutes staring at my laptop screen, not sure now whether my mind was blank or buzzing. I called Rosie and told her, she said what a friend should, whatever that is, but she understood that I just needed to talk to someone, anyone, about anything. Her current 'we're just seeing each other' guy lives with Ben. I met Ben last week. He looks like LH, and I kissed him.
Something is slightly ashamed as well.