word vomit.

I'm tired. Physically, mentally, and in every way possible exhausted.
And yet, it's quarter to five in the morning as I write this and I can't find the determination to sleep. I literally feel as though if I tried to sleep, despite my exhaustion, I wouldn't be able to.

I read Alex's blog. It made me think about a lot of things.
ONE, I have a very big mouth and, for some reason, enjoy the thrill of embarrassing others by sharing something they said to only me in front of other people.
Or, perhaps this is just Alex. He told me my best guy friend was hot. Like really hot, and he meant it. But we both agreed that a lot of the people we know, internet and not, are some of the most beautiful people because they're normal. Not conventional, as such, just the kind of person you'd meet down your road, a friend you've had forever and never noticed, someone you met in the park some random summer evening. Beautiful.

Neil is like this. Neil is the epitimy of this, he is my boy next door - living literally round the corner from me. We argue, he's inconsiderate, I'm rather rude to him, we're there for each other always, he hates that despite his - perhaps - higher inteligence I can still out smart him with mere wit. Everything I hate about him, I love, and vice versa. The worst thing of all? I know that whether I showed up on his door step in ten minutes or ten years, he'd still hug me, he'd still look at me the way he always does, and he would still want to kiss me. Yeah, there was a two year period where our friendship was not this complicated.

I think he see's me as even more desireable now, compared to before. Because now, whatever my past and previous 'chosen lifestyle' - as he so delicately put it - I've got Chris. I'm completely committed to someone who's 600 odd miles away from me and he the only guy who fills my thoughts, I have no urge for anyone else.
Speaking of my lovely past, today at work we somehow got into a conversation about how many people we'd slept with. Now, this used to be something I'd boast about, when the number was lower. I am not, in any way, proud of how I used to be. I was a bit of a slut in my own right, but did it with such subtlety after a while that no one noticed, that started off as something I did because I realised they were private things. Then, it was out of shame. I became so ashamed of the way I lived that I stopped telling my best friends when I had sex. Now, I don't know if you've ever been a teenage girl before but, this is something you tell in detail to your close friends and giggle and compare and... I stopped doing it.
Thing is, on being told that I had, not proudly, slept with more people than the girl who engaged the conversation, she turned around and said, "How could YOU have slept with more people than ME?"
Wow.
I think she kind of gave herself the answer through her question.

But this got me thinking, I didn't used to be a very nice girl. And then something happened. I'm not even sure what, it wasn't a defining moment, it wasn't a particular experience, I just suddenly sat there listening to Rosie talk about her sex life and the many boys she juggles - bless her - and I suddenly burst out, "Rosie, I don't remember who with or when the last time I had sex was!" I realise this sounds like a terrible statement, but it meant I had stopped thinking about it, I wasn't interested, I wasn't keeping count anymore - only a bastard keeps count. Anyway, soon after that it became kind of horrible to sit there and listen to people talk about sex. Not only did I have no interest, in even the topic, I had no desire to hear about it, talk about it, or even think about it. The mere idea made me cringe. Then... then it became a few months and now it's been 6. And I still have very little desire to have sex. Well... weird topic right now.


My friend Jem has serious issues with people, letting them in, trusting them, etc. Her current view on relationships is secretly, and only to me, very bleak. Which is apalling because she has a boyfriend who loves her very much and she loves him too.
On friday she told me the news that a couple we knew from her local had split up. Two years, living together and engaged, and it just ended, just like that. I was genuinely shocked, neither of us saw that one coming. Jem's view on this was that you never knew when something's going to end, when some one's going to one day stop loving you or when things might change.
I was absolutely, I think disgusted is the right emotion, at actually maintaining those thoughts about relationships. It's like going into one and thinking that it's not going to last - what the fuck is the point??
It made me a little scared that it is just easy for people to stop feeling the same way, emotions can change. But, relationships are also about trust and commitment, especially one with the amount of distance me and Chris have. I wouldn't have kept this up with him for this long if I didn't want it to last, or if I wasn't serious about it and I know he wouldn't either. I just can't imagine how somone could have those pessimistic views on life, love and people and be happy; you wouldn't be. And that's sad.


MARATHON BLOG! Major thought, my bad.
This took me half an hour to write. Crumbs.

Anna